People like to say, "Don't feel weird about what I'm about to say, but-" and then they say something that is difficult to look past. This kind of statement is often returned with the false promise that things are all good, that there's nothing to feel weird about, etc. If you really like a guy, then sometimes you really can forget about whatever silly thing he's just told you. If deep down, you don't really like the dude, then a situation like this will let you know for sure.
And such is the case with Asian Fetish Boy.
Now, I'm not Asian by any stretch, but I found out fairly soon that I was talking to a guy with an Asian fetish - and that things wouldn't ever work out with us. He talked about all different Asian cultures nonstop and the different languages he had started learning, trips he took, books he read. His social cues were a little off, because he couldn't tell that I had to knowledge on any of these topics and had nothing to contribute to the conversation. He seemed like a nice guy, though, and with some hesitation, I agreed to go to an Asian spa with him, per his request (the specific origin of the spa will remain a secret to protect my identity, of course).
It's definitely weird for a not-super-manly guy to request to go to a spa. I told him it wouldn't be weird, even though it was definitely odd and it was only a second date. And it changed things with us for good...
So the deal was, we'd each go to our respective locker rooms and we'd each see a lot of naked old people of our respective gender. I'd get in some tea-scented hot tubs, hang out a bit in the sauna, and take a shower in the ladies' locker room, then meet him in the communal area (clothed in a flimsy robe thingy) to sit in different hot saunas.
The ladies' room was heavenly. The hot tubs really were like sitting in a fragrant cup of hot tea. They smelled amazing and I wanted to stay all day. The nice thing about being an adult is that now I don't care about being naked in front of people, whether it's in a locker room or in the bedroom (haha), so it was nice to just walk around baring it all without any cares.
Anyway, when our proposed time limit was up, I was sad to put on the robe and go out to the common room. Not many people were there, so when we go into the first sauna room, no one else was there. And I don't even need to give you three guesses to let you figure out what Asian Fetish Boy does...
He starts to try to make out with my face.
The bad news is, we're less than 30 minutes into our date, and I already know it will never work out between us. He was a horrible, terrible, nasty and disgusting kisser. My face got all slobbered on. I really didn't know what to do, because we had at least five more sauna rooms to try, and you betcha that he was going to try to suck face in every single room. It was very awkward, and whatever rapport we'd built on the first date was totally erased and my interest in him had gone down to less than zero. We're talking negative numbers.
Basically I dealt with the situation as best I could. I pulled away as quick as I could from the kiss, kept telling him this room was too hot/I was ready to go to the next room, and I'd try to find the rooms that had other people in it so he couldn't kiss me. Of course, when we'd go into a populated sauna, he'd be ready to leave again in like 60 seconds. I tried to keep myself as quiet and boring in the conversation as I could so that he'd lose interest. He tried to kiss me a couple more times, but I kept my trap shut as tightly as possible and barely let him touch me.
The really weird part about this sauna thing was this unspoken pressure to hook up in some way when you're in a room alone together, and the awkwardness that ensues when you discover you really don't like the person you're stuck in that room with - you're just not interested in any way.
This disaster date happened a few months ago and I still shudder thinking about it. When we left, he asked if he'd see me again. I curtly and noncommittally gave him an "mmhmm" and drove off AFAP (as fast as possible). Never spoke to that dude again.
I hope he can admit to himself one day that he really just needs to date an Asian already, and that he's delusional to think otherwise.
In other news, been seeing a good bit of Peter lately but only in groups, going out on weekends. He made me very happy the other night. His friends were going to the same bar that I was already planning to go to one night recently, so he decided to show up there with them. When we finally found each other he was drunk and hilarious, and there was immediately lots of kissing. As I thought would happen, I've been neglecting Blue ever since I reconnected with Peter. I haven't seen him one time since, so tonight will be the first night I've seen Blue in a while. He's going to be cooking me dinner. Nice, right? It's really difficult for me to focus on two guys I really like, especially because I have a preference for Peter, but tonight will be good. Seeing him in person again will really help me figure things out, although I won't be putting any pressure on myself to make any decisions about either guy.
We shall see...
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Crazier night
When you're dating several people but realize there is one you really like, dating the others starts to feel overwhelming and burdensome.
So, what I did was I got rid of all of them but Blue. I was feeling a lot happier just focusing on one guy...
And then this weekend happened.
Going back to my "crazy night" in April, you may recall I mentioned Peter, this guy I had liked a ridiculous amount and for way too long. He was that guy for me, the one who leaves your life who you never get out of your head completely. Unfortunately back when we were in contact (and even on dates), there was a lot of talking and no action. Well... I had another Peter spotting this week. Some friends and I were out one night dancing it up, and it didn't take me long to notice Peter in the room. I managed to avoid staring at him for a good bit of the night. Lately I travel in a group of dance-loving people, so we basically closed down the place. The bar was emptying out, and there were about five people left on the dance floor. Off to the side, I notice Peter - randomly talking to my guy friends.
Talk about a major OMG moment.
So I continued dancing, looking in the opposite direction. My girl friend there asked me if I wanted to come sit in the corner with her and another friend, so I followed her and confided about how much I had liked this guy... And how he was standing there, talking to our friends. Peter's friends had totally disappeared, and my group was the only one left in the room. So I collected all the balls I had, and with the help of some EtOH, I walk right up to him and say, "I think I know you... Peter?"
It's been quite a long time - a couple of years - so I was surprised to hear him say my first and last name (I'm sure I never told him the latter) and say he'd thought about me. He was visibly intoxicated, but he was able to say some of the right things to make it seem like this was a good meeting.
Normally I'm way too nice to guys I really like, but again liquid courage was guiding my way. When he told me he wanted another chance, I put on a show of being skeptical (he was the one that disappeared on me). So, fast forward, I leave the bar and he takes my hand, holding it the entire walk back to my friends' house. A couple hours later, it's just the two of us, and we're almost home. He asks if it's okay if he can take me out again, and I put on my skeptical show again (even though I'm hella excited inside) but end up telling him he can if he really wants to. Finally he asks to kiss me, and we have our first kiss. Took long enough - literally years - but thankfully it was great.
He asked what I was doing the next night, so we kind of merged plans so we could go out in another group. I set my expectations low, figuring he would sober up the next day and not say anything to me. He ended up following through, though.
He had a lot less to drink that next night, but he still acted like he wanted to be there. It ended up being a great night, and we had second kisses and other fun things. It's crazy to me... After I stopped hearing from him years back, I kept thinking I wished I had gotten to kiss him once, just to take the memory with me. I never thought we'd speak again, and definitely never thought any of this would happen if we did. I am excited about what else could happen, but I also am not getting any hopes up. I got the little fantasy I wished for, and I know my life can be fine without him.
What I am worried about, is that my future actions related to liking Peter will mess things up with Blue. I hate juggling two guys I really like. It feels pretty bad. But Peter is making me forget the good things I have with Blue. I'd say Blue is a little cuter, and definitely taller, but Peter is on my mind much more. I want to keep both of them around, in case something goes wrong with one of them, but I feel bad about doing that.
To be continued...
So, what I did was I got rid of all of them but Blue. I was feeling a lot happier just focusing on one guy...
And then this weekend happened.
Going back to my "crazy night" in April, you may recall I mentioned Peter, this guy I had liked a ridiculous amount and for way too long. He was that guy for me, the one who leaves your life who you never get out of your head completely. Unfortunately back when we were in contact (and even on dates), there was a lot of talking and no action. Well... I had another Peter spotting this week. Some friends and I were out one night dancing it up, and it didn't take me long to notice Peter in the room. I managed to avoid staring at him for a good bit of the night. Lately I travel in a group of dance-loving people, so we basically closed down the place. The bar was emptying out, and there were about five people left on the dance floor. Off to the side, I notice Peter - randomly talking to my guy friends.
Talk about a major OMG moment.
So I continued dancing, looking in the opposite direction. My girl friend there asked me if I wanted to come sit in the corner with her and another friend, so I followed her and confided about how much I had liked this guy... And how he was standing there, talking to our friends. Peter's friends had totally disappeared, and my group was the only one left in the room. So I collected all the balls I had, and with the help of some EtOH, I walk right up to him and say, "I think I know you... Peter?"
It's been quite a long time - a couple of years - so I was surprised to hear him say my first and last name (I'm sure I never told him the latter) and say he'd thought about me. He was visibly intoxicated, but he was able to say some of the right things to make it seem like this was a good meeting.
Normally I'm way too nice to guys I really like, but again liquid courage was guiding my way. When he told me he wanted another chance, I put on a show of being skeptical (he was the one that disappeared on me). So, fast forward, I leave the bar and he takes my hand, holding it the entire walk back to my friends' house. A couple hours later, it's just the two of us, and we're almost home. He asks if it's okay if he can take me out again, and I put on my skeptical show again (even though I'm hella excited inside) but end up telling him he can if he really wants to. Finally he asks to kiss me, and we have our first kiss. Took long enough - literally years - but thankfully it was great.
He asked what I was doing the next night, so we kind of merged plans so we could go out in another group. I set my expectations low, figuring he would sober up the next day and not say anything to me. He ended up following through, though.
He had a lot less to drink that next night, but he still acted like he wanted to be there. It ended up being a great night, and we had second kisses and other fun things. It's crazy to me... After I stopped hearing from him years back, I kept thinking I wished I had gotten to kiss him once, just to take the memory with me. I never thought we'd speak again, and definitely never thought any of this would happen if we did. I am excited about what else could happen, but I also am not getting any hopes up. I got the little fantasy I wished for, and I know my life can be fine without him.
What I am worried about, is that my future actions related to liking Peter will mess things up with Blue. I hate juggling two guys I really like. It feels pretty bad. But Peter is making me forget the good things I have with Blue. I'd say Blue is a little cuter, and definitely taller, but Peter is on my mind much more. I want to keep both of them around, in case something goes wrong with one of them, but I feel bad about doing that.
To be continued...
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Adventures in Guy Land
I've met a few new people - ahem...new guys since my last post and have completely lost interest in Rugby Guy. The good thing is, I know he'll be fine getting along without me. He's a big boy. The bad thing is, I haven't told him I'm done with him yet. He ended up tagging along in a friend group that was going out for drinks on the Fourth of July, and that day I think I really realized I was done with him.
He asked about my plans for Friday - the next night - and I told him I was going to a concert so I wouldn't see him. He texted me Friday asking for my friend's number so he could go out with my group of friends while I was at the concert. I gave the number to him but my friend purposefully left him hanging about their plans.
I met a guy at the concert Friday night, and he's really cute, tall, in great shape, and has a great job. My hangups about him are 1) He lives an hour away from me, 2) He smokes cigarettes and that's nasty, 3) He seems very eager, and 4) He's not the best kisser - kind of sloppy. He just moved here and lives in a small town outside of the city, so I can see why he's excited to have met a girl. I'll consider him for a little longer but I have my doubts.
Last weekend we went to a guy's apartment to meet up with a group then go out to the bars. There were seven or eight people there including myself, but I noticed one guy in particular right away - the one that lived at the apartment. All of us ended up piling into a tiny cab to go out. Supposedly the guys had called for a larger cab, but it was way better with the small one. I somehow ended up sitting half on the cute guy's lap and half on another guy's lap. I talk kind of loudly, so the ride there was really funny. The cute guy kept shushing me and not surprisingly it was pretty cute the way he did it. ;)
I talked to Cute Guy a good bit at the first bar, but then we got separated in the walk to the second bar. I was really worried I'd lose him for the rest of the night, but thankfully he finally showed up at our next destination and we talked some more. We found ourselves at the bar and he kissed me. And he was excellent - one of the better kissers in quite a while. I definitely noticed this fact, but he later complimented me on my kissing skills. Nice! So we kind of kissed a lot the rest of the time we were at the bar, and all of a sudden it was last call and it was time to go home. So we got into another cab - a van this time, darn! - and headed back to Cute Guy's apartment. My car was there, but I definitely couldn't drive. So he invited me to stay there. I did sleep in his bed, but I either blacked out or fell asleep within minutes of getting inside the apartment. So I don't think anything too exciting happened.
Cute Guy's friend JJ is really into my roomie, so the four of us went out on an unlabeled weekday outing a few days after our first meetup. It's funny though, because Cute Guy and I like each other, but my roomie does not like JJ. It was awkwardly but unspoken-ly a double date. I realized before we went out to dinner that I knew absolutely nothing about Cute Guy except that he said he's normally a pretty quiet guy. We ended up having a lot in common, though, and I may see him again this weekend when the group goes out.
New guy number three is really, really exciting. He has gorgeous blue eyes, so I'll call him Blue. I usually date guys who look more like boys than men - shorter guys, who are in shape but not very muscular. Blue is different - he looks like a man. Honestly I'm surprised he's interested in me, but things have been pretty different this year in getting to date the guys I've wanted to date. I wasn't expecting much for our first date. He wasn't too talkative online and wrote pretty short messages, but I just decided to give him a chance since he was cute and he wanted to see me.
Our first date was really great. We went to a rooftop bar on a warm day and just got along really well. It was so unexpected. Blue and I went out again last weekend (while I was ignoring Rugby Guy) and had dinner. During our first date, we had talked about this secret bar, so after dinner we decided to see if we could get into the bar. Well, we plotted how we were going to get in, but I ended up messing it up so we had to make other plans. Some of my friends were going out dancing, so we decided to meet up with them. Normally I love to dance, but the music wasn't great and I wasn't that tipsy. I was feeling a little self-conscious and awkward dancing in the group/in front of Blue, but then Blue and I started dancing together and it was all better. He's fun to kiss as well - he makes it kind of like a game and it's just really endearing. Just the way he looks at me makes me really like him.
Blue's really good-looking, he got along with my friends, and also, his arm muscles are fantastic. We like to do a lot of the same things as far as lifestyle goes - going out dancing, nice restaurants, having nice drinks. That's honestly something I like a lot in a guy - can't stand when they want fast food and cheap ass beer at dive bars all the time and they don't want to go to clubs.
In other words, so many guys... I am excited for the rest of the summer to play out. :)
He asked about my plans for Friday - the next night - and I told him I was going to a concert so I wouldn't see him. He texted me Friday asking for my friend's number so he could go out with my group of friends while I was at the concert. I gave the number to him but my friend purposefully left him hanging about their plans.
I met a guy at the concert Friday night, and he's really cute, tall, in great shape, and has a great job. My hangups about him are 1) He lives an hour away from me, 2) He smokes cigarettes and that's nasty, 3) He seems very eager, and 4) He's not the best kisser - kind of sloppy. He just moved here and lives in a small town outside of the city, so I can see why he's excited to have met a girl. I'll consider him for a little longer but I have my doubts.
Last weekend we went to a guy's apartment to meet up with a group then go out to the bars. There were seven or eight people there including myself, but I noticed one guy in particular right away - the one that lived at the apartment. All of us ended up piling into a tiny cab to go out. Supposedly the guys had called for a larger cab, but it was way better with the small one. I somehow ended up sitting half on the cute guy's lap and half on another guy's lap. I talk kind of loudly, so the ride there was really funny. The cute guy kept shushing me and not surprisingly it was pretty cute the way he did it. ;)
I talked to Cute Guy a good bit at the first bar, but then we got separated in the walk to the second bar. I was really worried I'd lose him for the rest of the night, but thankfully he finally showed up at our next destination and we talked some more. We found ourselves at the bar and he kissed me. And he was excellent - one of the better kissers in quite a while. I definitely noticed this fact, but he later complimented me on my kissing skills. Nice! So we kind of kissed a lot the rest of the time we were at the bar, and all of a sudden it was last call and it was time to go home. So we got into another cab - a van this time, darn! - and headed back to Cute Guy's apartment. My car was there, but I definitely couldn't drive. So he invited me to stay there. I did sleep in his bed, but I either blacked out or fell asleep within minutes of getting inside the apartment. So I don't think anything too exciting happened.
Cute Guy's friend JJ is really into my roomie, so the four of us went out on an unlabeled weekday outing a few days after our first meetup. It's funny though, because Cute Guy and I like each other, but my roomie does not like JJ. It was awkwardly but unspoken-ly a double date. I realized before we went out to dinner that I knew absolutely nothing about Cute Guy except that he said he's normally a pretty quiet guy. We ended up having a lot in common, though, and I may see him again this weekend when the group goes out.
New guy number three is really, really exciting. He has gorgeous blue eyes, so I'll call him Blue. I usually date guys who look more like boys than men - shorter guys, who are in shape but not very muscular. Blue is different - he looks like a man. Honestly I'm surprised he's interested in me, but things have been pretty different this year in getting to date the guys I've wanted to date. I wasn't expecting much for our first date. He wasn't too talkative online and wrote pretty short messages, but I just decided to give him a chance since he was cute and he wanted to see me.
Our first date was really great. We went to a rooftop bar on a warm day and just got along really well. It was so unexpected. Blue and I went out again last weekend (while I was ignoring Rugby Guy) and had dinner. During our first date, we had talked about this secret bar, so after dinner we decided to see if we could get into the bar. Well, we plotted how we were going to get in, but I ended up messing it up so we had to make other plans. Some of my friends were going out dancing, so we decided to meet up with them. Normally I love to dance, but the music wasn't great and I wasn't that tipsy. I was feeling a little self-conscious and awkward dancing in the group/in front of Blue, but then Blue and I started dancing together and it was all better. He's fun to kiss as well - he makes it kind of like a game and it's just really endearing. Just the way he looks at me makes me really like him.
Blue's really good-looking, he got along with my friends, and also, his arm muscles are fantastic. We like to do a lot of the same things as far as lifestyle goes - going out dancing, nice restaurants, having nice drinks. That's honestly something I like a lot in a guy - can't stand when they want fast food and cheap ass beer at dive bars all the time and they don't want to go to clubs.
In other words, so many guys... I am excited for the rest of the summer to play out. :)
Friday, June 28, 2013
Playing the Field?
Spring and summer have really brought the guys out to play this year. I've been embracing the philosophy of dating multiple guys at a time, but it's getting complicated. Things have started to become regular with a new guy - we'll call him Rugby Guy - and I've noticed he hasn't been logging into the dating site much lately. However, in my experience, when I've been really into one guy in particular, I will stop logging in on a regular basis after we've gone on a few dates. I do notice that some guys continue to log in frequently, even if things between us seem to be going well. And since I haven't claimed anyone as an official boyfriend in quite a while, it's safe to say that the previous observation is fairly telling. Those guys didn't work out for me.
Rugby Guy's profile does say he's looking for a serious relationship, but we know statements like that can be honest or purposely deceptive, depending on the guy. The thing is, I'm starting to feel bad that I'm still dating around. Rugby Guy and I have had some sexytime, as Sabrina cleverly calls it, and even though he's the only one I'm sharing that with right now, I still feel guilty that I'm talking to other guys. Hell, I've been planning dates with other guys and am still starting conversations with new ones. That being said, I am a fiercely loyal girl. If I'm really into someone, enough that we decide we're going to be exclusive, I don't break that. That's one of my great qualities, I think, that I don't cheat. But if I think I were about to get serious with someone other than Rugby Guy, I would need to decide between the two guys and stop seeing one of them.
I'm not sold on Rugby Guy yet, and he hasn't asked me to be, either. He's slowly opening up, and I'm seeing more and more that we could have something great - but I definitely need more time to see things through.
The thing I'm wondering the most is when I will know it's time to stop dating around. I don't want a guy to think I'm a hoe, seeing a million other dudes, but I also know it's good for the guy you're into to realize that you're in high demand - so that he will step up his game and actively do something if he wants you to be with only him. I've put all my eggs in one basket several times before, without commitment from the other party, and that ended up being a bad idea because I was the one who got hurt.
I guess with guys in the past, I've pretty much known/strongly suspected they were seeing other people, so I thought it was totally ok for me to do the same. With Rugby Guy, I think he's actually serious and might not be trying to talk to anyone else anymore... But I don't want to count on that and silently hold out for him without us discussing it. Lately I've been thinking I don't really believe in having "the talk," so this is gonna be a hard situation... Let's just hope it figures itself out!
Rugby Guy's profile does say he's looking for a serious relationship, but we know statements like that can be honest or purposely deceptive, depending on the guy. The thing is, I'm starting to feel bad that I'm still dating around. Rugby Guy and I have had some sexytime, as Sabrina cleverly calls it, and even though he's the only one I'm sharing that with right now, I still feel guilty that I'm talking to other guys. Hell, I've been planning dates with other guys and am still starting conversations with new ones. That being said, I am a fiercely loyal girl. If I'm really into someone, enough that we decide we're going to be exclusive, I don't break that. That's one of my great qualities, I think, that I don't cheat. But if I think I were about to get serious with someone other than Rugby Guy, I would need to decide between the two guys and stop seeing one of them.
I'm not sold on Rugby Guy yet, and he hasn't asked me to be, either. He's slowly opening up, and I'm seeing more and more that we could have something great - but I definitely need more time to see things through.
The thing I'm wondering the most is when I will know it's time to stop dating around. I don't want a guy to think I'm a hoe, seeing a million other dudes, but I also know it's good for the guy you're into to realize that you're in high demand - so that he will step up his game and actively do something if he wants you to be with only him. I've put all my eggs in one basket several times before, without commitment from the other party, and that ended up being a bad idea because I was the one who got hurt.
I guess with guys in the past, I've pretty much known/strongly suspected they were seeing other people, so I thought it was totally ok for me to do the same. With Rugby Guy, I think he's actually serious and might not be trying to talk to anyone else anymore... But I don't want to count on that and silently hold out for him without us discussing it. Lately I've been thinking I don't really believe in having "the talk," so this is gonna be a hard situation... Let's just hope it figures itself out!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Stepping Back
I've been thinking about writing this several times but I haven't felt ready yet. I still don't feel ready or like I've processed everything but I just feel like writing would make me feel better.
My daydreams entitled "I'm Dating My Future Husband" have come to an abrupt, unwelcome halt. August is an incredible guy. He's so many things I've been looking for, plus he has all these characteristics I didn't know I wanted but now I do. He's looking for a wife and a long-lasting future with someone. After an incredible whirlwind of dates and even hanging out with him and his friends for an entire weekend, as you know, I got sudden silence from him. It really got to me. He'd been so warm to me, so interested, and I wasn't used to him being cold.
While I was on a date with this Asian guy (I met him when I was undeniably tipsy at the pool, and I remember his English being much more fluent poolside) and he was in the restroom, I checked my phone and was shocked to see a missed call from August. I'd had one the night before too, but I thought it was an accident or a pocket-dial because he never left a message. After a weekend moping over not hearing from August, I was ridiculously giddy again in a nanosecond. I'm not fond of the fact that I do that.
I have no self control and had to call him back that night, literally seconds after Mr. Asian dropped me back off at my place. I'd had coffee before the drinking date with Mr. Asian, so the combination of caffeine and a very strong bourbon cocktail left me feeling very ready to have a li'l chit-chat with August. We got a couple of sentences of small talk in before I started in on exactly what I was thinking.
"It was really hurtful that I didn't hear back from you at all this weekend."
He threw in some comments about being busy with errands and apartment shopping. Then he told me, "I've been doing a lot of thinking over the week about us, and there are some hesitations I have that make me unsure."
Of course I was quite curious to hear what they were, and I told him as much.
I don't want to give my real identity away, just in case some technology stalker freak from my past figures out this is my blog (I'm paranoid like that), so I wish I could tell you exactly what August said so you would know how RIDICULOUS his thinking is. Essentially it's a disagreement over eating habits, and it could likely be resolved if we talked about it a little more (or if he tasted my cooking) - especially since we'd been doing a lot of activity dates and had eaten a total of two meals alone together.
After he told me about this issue, I said, "Is that really a big enough concern to give up on something good that's going on?" If you have real feelings for someone, this wouldn't be something you'd throw away a relationship over.
"I know it's silly," he said, "and I think you're so great. I've had a really good time with you, and I wonder if in a week or a month from now I'm going to regret this and want to text you or call you up. But I just never thought I would marry a girl who XX."
Talk about confusing.
I told him I won't be waiting around for him to decide I'm worth his time again. He said he agreed that I shouldn't do that. I told him the choice was up to him.
In normal-person speak, he seemed to be trying to say he felt a physical/emotional connection with me, but this one particular fact about me is a dealbreaker. I must add, he's basically known most of this fact since the beginning of us emailing one another.
I was confused as hell. He even said he discussed this issue with his friends and that his friends love me and think he's being dumb.
I asked, "Do you have any other issues with us? Are you sure that's all?" There had to be something else - something he didn't like about me on the inside. Pretty sure he thinks I'm a hottie, so it can't be that. ;)
He came back with, "Well, I know you're not into sports like I am. That's something I really enjoy and is important to me."
Ridiculousness #2. What?? I have told him (and I have email proof), that I like going to live games (if I have a giant beer in my hand, it's a great time!) but don't root passionately for any teams in particular. I'm just happy to be there and don't care who wins the game. I told him that I'm a girl and there are going to be some differences in interests (such as shoe shopping), but that I'm happy to be involved in things he likes.
I just feel like now that he doesn't understand me. I'm a flexible and adaptable person. I'm willing to do a lot for a guy that I genuinely care about. I'm happy to compromise. The character flaw that came out in him over our conversation is that he doesn't like one of my particular interests, and he's not willing or ready or even ready to talk about compromise even part of the way over it, even though I would be. He knows so little about my belief in this issue - he just knows the surface - so I think he misunderstands. He says I deserve a guy who will like me for these things, but that he's having trouble with them.
What this phone call with him tells me is that he doesn't like me enough to overlook our small differences. That he is willing to throw me away because of a small thing he is scared of. Part of me thinks this warrants another conversation with him, to assure him we'd be okay, but the other part doesn't believe him - that this stupid little thing is just an excuse to avoid telling me why he really doesn't think we'll work.
Stupidly I'm going on other dates, trying to busy myself in conversation with other perfectly nice guys, but my mind won't get off of August. It's not even one of those "You want it because you can't have it" things - I was incredibly interested much before he started going cold. I'm stupidly waiting for him to call or text, telling me he was wrong and he misses me.
I know like with Paolo, I'd get over it eventually, but I just don't want to let August go. August said he wanted to be friends and see me still occasionally, but I just told him we'd be seeing about that.
If I'm being honest with myself, I know I don't have much to lose by being assertive and either
(a.) getting further closure from him so I can move on
or (b.) persuading him to have another conversation about our issues to clarify misunderstandings and try again.
But fellow readers, I graciously invite any of you to bring me back down to earth. How often has an invite to another conversation, or an invite to try again, lead to an actual relationship or marriage?
My daydreams entitled "I'm Dating My Future Husband" have come to an abrupt, unwelcome halt. August is an incredible guy. He's so many things I've been looking for, plus he has all these characteristics I didn't know I wanted but now I do. He's looking for a wife and a long-lasting future with someone. After an incredible whirlwind of dates and even hanging out with him and his friends for an entire weekend, as you know, I got sudden silence from him. It really got to me. He'd been so warm to me, so interested, and I wasn't used to him being cold.
While I was on a date with this Asian guy (I met him when I was undeniably tipsy at the pool, and I remember his English being much more fluent poolside) and he was in the restroom, I checked my phone and was shocked to see a missed call from August. I'd had one the night before too, but I thought it was an accident or a pocket-dial because he never left a message. After a weekend moping over not hearing from August, I was ridiculously giddy again in a nanosecond. I'm not fond of the fact that I do that.
I have no self control and had to call him back that night, literally seconds after Mr. Asian dropped me back off at my place. I'd had coffee before the drinking date with Mr. Asian, so the combination of caffeine and a very strong bourbon cocktail left me feeling very ready to have a li'l chit-chat with August. We got a couple of sentences of small talk in before I started in on exactly what I was thinking.
"It was really hurtful that I didn't hear back from you at all this weekend."
He threw in some comments about being busy with errands and apartment shopping. Then he told me, "I've been doing a lot of thinking over the week about us, and there are some hesitations I have that make me unsure."
Of course I was quite curious to hear what they were, and I told him as much.
I don't want to give my real identity away, just in case some technology stalker freak from my past figures out this is my blog (I'm paranoid like that), so I wish I could tell you exactly what August said so you would know how RIDICULOUS his thinking is. Essentially it's a disagreement over eating habits, and it could likely be resolved if we talked about it a little more (or if he tasted my cooking) - especially since we'd been doing a lot of activity dates and had eaten a total of two meals alone together.
After he told me about this issue, I said, "Is that really a big enough concern to give up on something good that's going on?" If you have real feelings for someone, this wouldn't be something you'd throw away a relationship over.
"I know it's silly," he said, "and I think you're so great. I've had a really good time with you, and I wonder if in a week or a month from now I'm going to regret this and want to text you or call you up. But I just never thought I would marry a girl who XX."
Talk about confusing.
I told him I won't be waiting around for him to decide I'm worth his time again. He said he agreed that I shouldn't do that. I told him the choice was up to him.
In normal-person speak, he seemed to be trying to say he felt a physical/emotional connection with me, but this one particular fact about me is a dealbreaker. I must add, he's basically known most of this fact since the beginning of us emailing one another.
I was confused as hell. He even said he discussed this issue with his friends and that his friends love me and think he's being dumb.
I asked, "Do you have any other issues with us? Are you sure that's all?" There had to be something else - something he didn't like about me on the inside. Pretty sure he thinks I'm a hottie, so it can't be that. ;)
He came back with, "Well, I know you're not into sports like I am. That's something I really enjoy and is important to me."
Ridiculousness #2. What?? I have told him (and I have email proof), that I like going to live games (if I have a giant beer in my hand, it's a great time!) but don't root passionately for any teams in particular. I'm just happy to be there and don't care who wins the game. I told him that I'm a girl and there are going to be some differences in interests (such as shoe shopping), but that I'm happy to be involved in things he likes.
I just feel like now that he doesn't understand me. I'm a flexible and adaptable person. I'm willing to do a lot for a guy that I genuinely care about. I'm happy to compromise. The character flaw that came out in him over our conversation is that he doesn't like one of my particular interests, and he's not willing or ready or even ready to talk about compromise even part of the way over it, even though I would be. He knows so little about my belief in this issue - he just knows the surface - so I think he misunderstands. He says I deserve a guy who will like me for these things, but that he's having trouble with them.
What this phone call with him tells me is that he doesn't like me enough to overlook our small differences. That he is willing to throw me away because of a small thing he is scared of. Part of me thinks this warrants another conversation with him, to assure him we'd be okay, but the other part doesn't believe him - that this stupid little thing is just an excuse to avoid telling me why he really doesn't think we'll work.
Stupidly I'm going on other dates, trying to busy myself in conversation with other perfectly nice guys, but my mind won't get off of August. It's not even one of those "You want it because you can't have it" things - I was incredibly interested much before he started going cold. I'm stupidly waiting for him to call or text, telling me he was wrong and he misses me.
I know like with Paolo, I'd get over it eventually, but I just don't want to let August go. August said he wanted to be friends and see me still occasionally, but I just told him we'd be seeing about that.
If I'm being honest with myself, I know I don't have much to lose by being assertive and either
(a.) getting further closure from him so I can move on
or (b.) persuading him to have another conversation about our issues to clarify misunderstandings and try again.
But fellow readers, I graciously invite any of you to bring me back down to earth. How often has an invite to another conversation, or an invite to try again, lead to an actual relationship or marriage?
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Not this again
It's beating a dead horse to bring him up again, but the truth is I was likely in love with Paolo when he broke things off. I didn't see how my life would go on after we broke up. I had nothing to look forward to and I thought I couldn't look at any other guy the way I saw and adored Paolo. It was foolish, as warning signs were there and I ignored them. Since then I've written him off as the ultimate commitment-phobe.
How long does it really take to fall in love? In just a few weeks, at least internally, I started to reach obsessing status with August. I started to get really hopeful, because I didn't think I would feel again for a long time after Paolo. August and I have seen each other three weekends in a row, and I met his friends this past one. Minutes after my last post, he texted and then called me about our plans. It seemed like all my doubts had been unfounded - that I was being dramatic. An hour after posting I was over at his place with his friends as planned.
August remained so sweet to me and was treating me so well I couldn't believe it. We bid farewell last weekend with talk of seeing each other the next weekend. We'd spent time together three different days last week, and all things considered together, it seemed like we were on the fast track to relationship status. He remained respectful and didn't even try to get sex from it, although he had the opportunity multiple times.
I texted him midweek, and he wrote back immediately but wasn't too talkative. I dismissed it - I wrote him back late in the evening and didn't ask him any questions or give him much to follow up on. He didn't say another word and then it was Friday. I feel like I take too much and don't give enough when it comes to talking to guys, so I initiated contact with him again, asking what he had going on this weekend. Total silence.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I tried to keep myself busy, lamely but hopefully waiting to hear from him - hoping the case would be the same as last week's episode of poor communication. It wasn't. It was different. Eventually I hit breaking point, and it became late enough in the day where I knew I wouldn't hear from him. If he wanted to just text a few words, he would have. I moped for the rest of the day. I feel like the heartbreak has hit rock-bottom.
My dad called in the evening. While I was talking to him, August called as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't click over to answer August's call but figured I'd give it at least an hour and then try back. I swung from miserable to happy and relieved. I got off the phone with my dad only to see August hadn't left a message. No text. Nothing. It didn't seem like it rang that long, but I have a brand new phone so I wasn't sure. I wondered for a moment if he called by accident and hung up.
I consulted Google for advice about when to call him back, and ultimately just went for it and called an hour later. No answer. It seemed like the one person I was waiting to hear from did indeed accidentally call me. He didn't pick up his phone a mere hour later and hasn't contacted me since, so it seems like the only explanation.
I feel dumb for feeling so torn up over August, but deep down, my gut instincts told me I might be dating my future husband. Honestly, he seemed very serious about us and like he was really into me. He has a history of staying in relationships for a very long time, and he's stated he's looking for something long-term. I have no idea what happened to make him lose interest in just a few days, but in this situation it's been long enough where it's completely unacceptable that he disappears without saying anything. If only you guys could read our initial messages from OkCupid, you would understand what I mean and how different things have been with him. It's crazy to me to have so much interest from him, to zero. From so much courtesy, to zero.
At first I thought I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of trying to contact him again, but now I feel that I need to talk to him a final time before walking away for good. I've drafted up a biting text that normally I wouldn't send, but I just need to get a word in even if he doesn't return any words of his own. At minimum, I want to let him know his behavior is not ok.
Writing this has made me feel better, but I'm still feeling empty inside. Love is the primary thing I want in my life right now. Now that I've been so close a couple of times recently it hurts that much harder to have my heart broken. It makes it so hard to trust a guy again, when I have one that totally trips me up. Hell, it's hard to trust myself, when I can be so wrong as to think a guy is one of those rare genuine gentleman, and then he turns out to be an inconsiderate ass at the core. It worries me that my radar can be so far off to be hopeful about a future with a guy who ends up not respecting me at all. To be fair to myself though, he's said (in what I thought was a humble, genuine way) that he's a guy that really does respect women.
I have a date with a new guy tonight (since I'm writing this post at 5 AM technically) and it's coming at a good time to help me keep my mind off of August. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready. The impact of August's actions will be running in the background. It's going to be really hard to believe and trust the guys that come after him. I don't find guys I like often, but when I do, I fall much more quickly than I'm comfortable with.
What I still can't believe it that I lasted five more months with commitment-phobe Paolo than I did with self-advertised "long-term" August.
How long does it really take to fall in love? In just a few weeks, at least internally, I started to reach obsessing status with August. I started to get really hopeful, because I didn't think I would feel again for a long time after Paolo. August and I have seen each other three weekends in a row, and I met his friends this past one. Minutes after my last post, he texted and then called me about our plans. It seemed like all my doubts had been unfounded - that I was being dramatic. An hour after posting I was over at his place with his friends as planned.
August remained so sweet to me and was treating me so well I couldn't believe it. We bid farewell last weekend with talk of seeing each other the next weekend. We'd spent time together three different days last week, and all things considered together, it seemed like we were on the fast track to relationship status. He remained respectful and didn't even try to get sex from it, although he had the opportunity multiple times.
I texted him midweek, and he wrote back immediately but wasn't too talkative. I dismissed it - I wrote him back late in the evening and didn't ask him any questions or give him much to follow up on. He didn't say another word and then it was Friday. I feel like I take too much and don't give enough when it comes to talking to guys, so I initiated contact with him again, asking what he had going on this weekend. Total silence.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I tried to keep myself busy, lamely but hopefully waiting to hear from him - hoping the case would be the same as last week's episode of poor communication. It wasn't. It was different. Eventually I hit breaking point, and it became late enough in the day where I knew I wouldn't hear from him. If he wanted to just text a few words, he would have. I moped for the rest of the day. I feel like the heartbreak has hit rock-bottom.
My dad called in the evening. While I was talking to him, August called as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't click over to answer August's call but figured I'd give it at least an hour and then try back. I swung from miserable to happy and relieved. I got off the phone with my dad only to see August hadn't left a message. No text. Nothing. It didn't seem like it rang that long, but I have a brand new phone so I wasn't sure. I wondered for a moment if he called by accident and hung up.
I consulted Google for advice about when to call him back, and ultimately just went for it and called an hour later. No answer. It seemed like the one person I was waiting to hear from did indeed accidentally call me. He didn't pick up his phone a mere hour later and hasn't contacted me since, so it seems like the only explanation.
I feel dumb for feeling so torn up over August, but deep down, my gut instincts told me I might be dating my future husband. Honestly, he seemed very serious about us and like he was really into me. He has a history of staying in relationships for a very long time, and he's stated he's looking for something long-term. I have no idea what happened to make him lose interest in just a few days, but in this situation it's been long enough where it's completely unacceptable that he disappears without saying anything. If only you guys could read our initial messages from OkCupid, you would understand what I mean and how different things have been with him. It's crazy to me to have so much interest from him, to zero. From so much courtesy, to zero.
At first I thought I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of trying to contact him again, but now I feel that I need to talk to him a final time before walking away for good. I've drafted up a biting text that normally I wouldn't send, but I just need to get a word in even if he doesn't return any words of his own. At minimum, I want to let him know his behavior is not ok.
Writing this has made me feel better, but I'm still feeling empty inside. Love is the primary thing I want in my life right now. Now that I've been so close a couple of times recently it hurts that much harder to have my heart broken. It makes it so hard to trust a guy again, when I have one that totally trips me up. Hell, it's hard to trust myself, when I can be so wrong as to think a guy is one of those rare genuine gentleman, and then he turns out to be an inconsiderate ass at the core. It worries me that my radar can be so far off to be hopeful about a future with a guy who ends up not respecting me at all. To be fair to myself though, he's said (in what I thought was a humble, genuine way) that he's a guy that really does respect women.
I have a date with a new guy tonight (since I'm writing this post at 5 AM technically) and it's coming at a good time to help me keep my mind off of August. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready. The impact of August's actions will be running in the background. It's going to be really hard to believe and trust the guys that come after him. I don't find guys I like often, but when I do, I fall much more quickly than I'm comfortable with.
What I still can't believe it that I lasted five more months with commitment-phobe Paolo than I did with self-advertised "long-term" August.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Irritated
I've told multiple people now that I'm dating my future husband. Things have been so good, but I think speaking these words is coming back around to bite me in the ass.
August and I had a great date earlier in the week, but since he's been unreliable and frustrating. I've been really irritated over it, because normally he's very communicative. Of course I start to overanalyze and wonder what it all means - if he's losing interest or just busy.
It started after earlier in the week, when he invited me to hang out with him and his friends Friday (which was last night). I had Friday dinner plans but told August I'd text him and see where he was after. So I had this prior invite from him, you see, and so when I did text him during Friday dinner he kind of just blew me off and made no mention of us hanging out at all later. I was trying to push the conversation toward figuring out when he'd be at the bars so I could join, but he just wasn't helpful at all. It made me really confused, because he seemed like he had really wanted me there earlier. I just let the text conversation end, because he just made me feel unwanted.
We'd had definite plans for this afternoon (Saturday) but only a general timeframe. So the morning comes and goes and he's made no mention of our plans today. I told myself I'd wait and not say anything until he did, but I caved and shot him a curt text about meeting him. Over an hour later (definitely after the timeframe we'd discussed), he finally texts me back and says he's held up with something else at his friend's house. I'm glad he texted back, but I'm also pissed and irritated. I wonder if the evening would have went by with nothing from him if I hadn't said something first.
This is the type of shit Paolo used to do. I'm going to have to have a talk with August, but it's going to be hard. Everything has been great up until now, but I feel like I'm going to come off really bitchy when I bring this up. When I'm around him, I've been sweet as sugar so it's a side he hasn't seen. Is it too much to ask to just confirm plans? Sabrina talks about this all the time, so maybe it's just drilled into my brain, but I thought confirming plans was common courtesy.
Another thing that is awkward for me with him is the meeting the friends thing. He went to undergrad in town, so he knows loads of guy friends here. They hang out all the time and he's been talking about me coming with him to all these events he and the guys have coming up. It makes me excited, but at the same time, I don't have big groups of friends I party with here. I usually hang out with friends one-on-one or similarly small groups. I don't keep guy friends around too long because they always want more, and I don't have too many large group events that go on regularly that I'd even bring him to. What's he going to do, hang out as a third wheel when a girlfriend and I have dinner? I just feel like he's going to think I'm lame and don't have any friends because I haven't talked about inviting him along to anything that's going on in my life. I feel like this is one of those deep worries I don't want to talk with him about.
Aside from that, he'd better kiss ass today and make it up to me, because even after writing this rant-seeming blog post, I'm still mad at him!
August and I had a great date earlier in the week, but since he's been unreliable and frustrating. I've been really irritated over it, because normally he's very communicative. Of course I start to overanalyze and wonder what it all means - if he's losing interest or just busy.
It started after earlier in the week, when he invited me to hang out with him and his friends Friday (which was last night). I had Friday dinner plans but told August I'd text him and see where he was after. So I had this prior invite from him, you see, and so when I did text him during Friday dinner he kind of just blew me off and made no mention of us hanging out at all later. I was trying to push the conversation toward figuring out when he'd be at the bars so I could join, but he just wasn't helpful at all. It made me really confused, because he seemed like he had really wanted me there earlier. I just let the text conversation end, because he just made me feel unwanted.
We'd had definite plans for this afternoon (Saturday) but only a general timeframe. So the morning comes and goes and he's made no mention of our plans today. I told myself I'd wait and not say anything until he did, but I caved and shot him a curt text about meeting him. Over an hour later (definitely after the timeframe we'd discussed), he finally texts me back and says he's held up with something else at his friend's house. I'm glad he texted back, but I'm also pissed and irritated. I wonder if the evening would have went by with nothing from him if I hadn't said something first.
This is the type of shit Paolo used to do. I'm going to have to have a talk with August, but it's going to be hard. Everything has been great up until now, but I feel like I'm going to come off really bitchy when I bring this up. When I'm around him, I've been sweet as sugar so it's a side he hasn't seen. Is it too much to ask to just confirm plans? Sabrina talks about this all the time, so maybe it's just drilled into my brain, but I thought confirming plans was common courtesy.
Another thing that is awkward for me with him is the meeting the friends thing. He went to undergrad in town, so he knows loads of guy friends here. They hang out all the time and he's been talking about me coming with him to all these events he and the guys have coming up. It makes me excited, but at the same time, I don't have big groups of friends I party with here. I usually hang out with friends one-on-one or similarly small groups. I don't keep guy friends around too long because they always want more, and I don't have too many large group events that go on regularly that I'd even bring him to. What's he going to do, hang out as a third wheel when a girlfriend and I have dinner? I just feel like he's going to think I'm lame and don't have any friends because I haven't talked about inviting him along to anything that's going on in my life. I feel like this is one of those deep worries I don't want to talk with him about.
Aside from that, he'd better kiss ass today and make it up to me, because even after writing this rant-seeming blog post, I'm still mad at him!
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