Sunday, June 2, 2013

Not this again

It's beating a dead horse to bring him up again, but the truth is I was likely in love with Paolo when he broke things off. I didn't see how my life would go on after we broke up. I had nothing to look forward to and I thought I couldn't look at any other guy the way I saw and adored Paolo. It was foolish, as warning signs were there and I ignored them. Since then I've written him off as the ultimate commitment-phobe.

How long does it really take to fall in love? In just a few weeks, at least internally, I started to reach obsessing status with August. I started to get really hopeful, because I didn't think I would feel again for a long time after Paolo. August and I have seen each other three weekends in a row, and I met his friends this past one. Minutes after my last post, he texted and then called me about our plans. It seemed like all my doubts had been unfounded - that I was being dramatic. An hour after posting I was over at his place with his friends as planned.

August remained so sweet to me and was treating me so well I couldn't believe it. We bid farewell last weekend with talk of seeing each other the next weekend. We'd spent time together three different days last week, and all things considered together, it seemed like we were on the fast track to relationship status. He remained respectful and didn't even try to get sex from it, although he had the opportunity multiple times.

I texted him midweek, and he wrote back immediately but wasn't too talkative. I dismissed it - I wrote him back late in the evening and didn't ask him any questions or give him much to follow up on. He didn't say another word and then it was Friday. I feel like I take too much and don't give enough when it comes to talking to guys, so I initiated contact with him again, asking what he had going on this weekend. Total silence.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I tried to keep myself busy, lamely but hopefully waiting to hear from him - hoping the case would be the same as last week's episode of poor communication. It wasn't. It was different. Eventually I hit breaking point, and it became late enough in the day where I knew I wouldn't hear from him. If he wanted to just text a few words, he would have. I moped for the rest of the day. I feel like the heartbreak has hit rock-bottom.

My dad called in the evening. While I was talking to him, August called as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't click over to answer August's call but figured I'd give it at least an hour and then try back. I swung from miserable to happy and relieved. I got off the phone with my dad only to see August hadn't left a message. No text. Nothing. It didn't seem like it rang that long, but I have a brand new phone so I wasn't sure. I wondered for a moment if he called by accident and hung up.

I consulted Google for advice about when to call him back, and ultimately just went for it and called an hour later. No answer. It seemed like the one person I was waiting to hear from did indeed accidentally call me. He didn't pick up his phone a mere hour later and hasn't contacted me since, so it seems like the only explanation.

I feel dumb for feeling so torn up over August, but deep down, my gut instincts told me I might be dating my future husband. Honestly, he seemed very serious about us and like he was really into me. He has a history of staying in relationships for a very long time, and he's stated he's looking for something long-term. I have no idea what happened to make him lose interest in just a few days, but in this situation it's been long enough where it's completely unacceptable that he disappears without saying anything. If only you guys could read our initial messages from OkCupid, you would understand what I mean and how different things have been with him. It's crazy to me to have so much interest from him, to zero. From so much courtesy, to zero.

At first I thought I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of trying to contact him again, but now I feel that I need to talk to him a final time before walking away for good. I've drafted up a biting text that normally I wouldn't send, but I just need to get a word in even if he doesn't return any words of his own. At minimum, I want to let him know his behavior is not ok.

Writing this has made me feel better, but I'm still feeling empty inside. Love is the primary thing I want in my life right now. Now that I've been so close a couple of times recently it hurts that much harder to have my heart broken. It makes it so hard to trust a guy again, when I have one that totally trips me up. Hell, it's hard to trust myself, when I can be so wrong as to think a guy is one of those rare genuine gentleman, and then he turns out to be an inconsiderate ass at the core. It worries me that my radar can be so far off to be hopeful about a future with a guy who ends up not respecting me at all. To be fair to myself though, he's said (in what I thought was a humble, genuine way) that he's a guy that really does respect women.

I have a date with a new guy tonight (since I'm writing this post at 5 AM technically) and it's coming at a good time to help me keep my mind off of August. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready. The impact of August's actions will be running in the background. It's going to be really hard to believe and trust the guys that come after him. I don't find guys I like often, but when I do, I fall much more quickly than I'm comfortable with.

What I still can't believe it that I lasted five more months with commitment-phobe Paolo than I did with self-advertised "long-term" August.


  1. I'm sorry to hear about August, M. It's hard when you feel a deep connection with someone instantly and really see a future.... unlike 99% of dates you go on.

    My unsolicited advice is not to contact him again. Him not being responsive is closure enough. The men who are hot/cold like that are so aggravating and immature... having been on the receiving end of their attention and subsequent inattention, I realize they aren't worth a minute of my emotions.

    Hope your new date went well! Hugs.

  2. Thanks Sabrina, hugs back! I know, when that good 1% disappears, it's the worst feeling.

    So he finally called back and we talked. Things were left a bit open-ended, but he shared the reason he thinks we might not be compatible in the future...and it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. There are a million things that you might worry about for a breakup reason - that his friends don't like you, that maybe you smelled bad one day, that he doesn't feel like he can talk to you and you're boring, that he's not physically attracted - but it wasn't any of those.

    I told him I was really hurt he ignored me most of the week but that I respected him for getting in touch. For now I'm just going to date a bunch of other people and get my mind off of him. If it's meant to be later, then it will be.

    Hope you and the Consultant are getting on well! <3