Saturday, September 19, 2015

Not ready

The last setting I described with Chase was nothing short of bliss. That feeling kept with me throughout the week, heart practically bursting. We hadn't planned anything for the following Friday, but my roommate kind of schemed so that Chase and I ended up out together in the same group again. We were both surprised to see each other there, but it shouldn't have been as surprising as we took it since it's the same people with us almost every time. I was a little offended he hadn't reached out to me personally, but since his guy friend (best friend), Lee, had told me once that Chase was shy, I gave him a pass. We were happy to see each other, and we essentially had a repeat night of wonderfulness.

A few drinks in, I was given the piece of information I needed to understand why Chase hadn't contacted me that night. Earlier that night, Lee told Chase that things had happened between Lee and I earlier in the year. I was shocked both at Chase's honesty for telling me that he knew as well as at the fact that Lee told him. I literally almost started to cry on the spot, saying, "That makes me really upset." I felt like Lee was trying to come between Chase and I, and what happened with Lee didn't mean anything - we've never been interested in each other for real. Chase said it made him uncomfortable but that he was glad that he knew. In a way, I was relieved too, so that I didn't have to hide it from him; yet I didn't want it to change anything between us. I told him that he has to know that what he and I have is nothing like what was between Lee and me. Chase said he knew that. We talked through it a little more. Chase said, still, I really like you. I know we were drinking, but he ended up telling me he loved me several times that night. I didn't say it back because I wanted to take it with a grain of salt, and I didn't want to embarrass him by taking it too seriously when I wasn't sure how he meant it. It's crazy to think about though, because I was really feeling those feelings too. I just kept telling him back that he is a sweetheart. We managed to have another amazing night. I remember telling him that I was so happy, and he said, me too.

We hadn't texted during the week, but we were going back and forth on Saturday after he went home. It was mostly about nothing, but silly me, remembering Lee's comment that Chase was shy, dropped my normal MO and decided to go for it, asking what he was doing that night. His slowness to respond immediately filled me with dread. We had stayed up way, way, too late, so I knew that sleeping explained some of the delay, but when I kept hearing back from him, that anxious feeling wouldn't go away. He ended picking me up pretty late and we went out to meet Lee and some others. I felt so awkward (plus sober) and closed off, though; even though we ended up out together, the way he responded still made me feel rejected. We had good conversations that night, but it was different. I was distant, and we were more quiet than normal. We weren't as affectionate because we had already discussed that Lee was super annoyed at us about that so we were going to be good. I knew Chase had morning plans with his family but tried not to be disappointed when he didn't come inside after taking me home at the end of the night.

As this week went on, the feeling of dread kept growing. When we were with each other, he had been asking me a lot about going to a concert this weekend, but neither of us had tickets at the times we discussed it. I was hoping that maybe it would come up last minute and that would mean we'd be spending a lot of weekend time together, but he never got in touch this week to confirm it or talk about it again. I should have just said yes right then instead of being vague about going, so that we would have already had plans.

I didn't want to feel that terrible anxious feeling of possibly being rejected or not received warmly, so I haven't reached out to him again. Still, I've felt so heartsick and lonely not hearing from him. I hate that it has been killing me even though I've only known him a month.

I went out last night to a school event and didn't know Lee would be there. I had a few drinks and then confronted Lee about what the heck was going on with his BFF Chase - that I hadn't heard from him since last weekend. Lee told me that Chase likes me, to calm down, that Chase is in school and working at the same time so he's been busy. But things really started to come together when Lee said, he probably shouldn't be mentioning this to me, but Chase just had his heart ripped apart by some other girl. I've looked at Chase's pictures so I knew exactly who the bitch was, but I think it's been a couple months now, if not more. Lee said he thinks that Chase is not ready to be in a relationship again but acknowledges that he does fall fast. He said that if I want a relationship, then I probably am just going to have to wait around for him for a little bit.

The more time I've had to process it, the more at ease I feel about it:  at least not talking to me is not an outright rejection of me - it could be that he's just still thinking about this other girl. That still sucks, but I keep telling myself that if I am better than her, more charming, more put together, more in shape, then I'll win him over (silly, I know); at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of girl that waits around for a guy. But again, I didn't develop feelings during my last relationship, so maybe someone I have strong feelings for is worth holding out for. I don't know. I stopped seeing/talking to other guys since Chase and I last talked about that topic, but now I don't know if I should feel dumb for doing that. What keeps going through my mind too is that all of our heart-to-hearts have been after several drinks. How much of this is real? When he was with me in those amazing times, it didn't seem like another girl was ever on his mind. At the same time, I may still have nothing to have inner debates about, nothing to wait around for, because Friday night is almost over and I still haven't heard from the guy. I'm so confused. I don't want to be the one to initiate contact first, and I don't see how Chase could turn off the switch, and go from hot to cold, this fast. I just can't swallow that this might be over already.

Having real feelings for someone is no fun sometimes.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Nope, he blew up

Remember the guy from Tinder who cannot stop texting? Last week I mentioned that he demanded I call him after I stopped returning his texts. Well, there are new developments. Yesterday, he demanded that I "communicate with him" because he needs to know "what's going on with us." Apparently it's not obvious that nothing is going on with us.

I told a group of friends about him and that he's a braggy guy, but furthermore, I don't feel bad about calling it off because of his date game. Not that it's about what a guy buys me, but he was telling me alllll about how he doubled his salary with his last career move; nevertheless, the first date was a coffee date (i.e., he only bought me coffee) and on the second date, we split the check at dinner (he couldn't even treat a girl who is a student to dinner). So he has literally invested almost nothing in this "relationship."

Given this information, I asked the group whether or not I should respond to his demands, and their overwhelming response was that I don't owe him anything (exactly what I was thinking) and that I should BLOCK him instead. So I blocked him on my phone. He doesn't have the social intelligence to interpret silence and subtleties like canceling a date, and if I was more explicit about not being interested, I thought he would a.) be offended and lash out or b.) try to argue with me about what he thinks my feelings really are.

Unfortunately, my MacBook also receives my text messages, and it didn't get the memo to block the dude. So now I see the additional texts that he's sent, and now he's outright name-calling. I think I might finally have him blocked for real, but these new messages make me upset. I just want nothing to do with him or his messages. At least I'm proud of myself for having my red-flag radar on point post-Dreamy.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Something new

After my reunion with Chase, I mentioned I saw him the next night. What I didn't mention was that it was a much tamer evening - barely affectionate, and he only stayed out with our friends for a couple hours. He dropped me off at home in a cab and then went his own way, and I began to wonder if we really had what I thought we had. When I walked in the door of my apartment, Chase's guy friend and my roomie were already there, doing homework. Since I was home early, I announced to them that I might go out to a different bar in a few minutes and started to message some friends who were out already. Guess Chase's friend thought I was trying to meet up with guys, because he asked, "How many dudes are you dating?!"

I took it as a joke and told him I had just gotten rid of one [Hinge Guy] and mentioned one other, but that I liked Chase better. ;)

Earlier that night, Chase had mentioned to me that he was planning to go to an event downtown the next day and asked if I was interested. I said I was, but then I didn't hear from him at all the next day (except for a Facebook friend request). Since it was a long weekend anyway, I decided to keep my mind busy and go out with a different group of friends instead.

The next day, I was feeling more and more anxious about Chase. I hadn't heard from him and it was starting to sink in that he probably wasn't interested after all - really, I was the one who "initiated" things by asking friends to find an excuse to reintroduce us. But that afternoon, I about jumped for joy when I got a message from him saying he was going to the event today (one of those nerdy conferences where people dress in costume) and out tonight and that I should join. I was feeling a little rough after three nights in a row of parties, and while I took my time responding to him, I immediately started getting dressed and doing my makeup.

I met Chase downtown, and he took my hand right away. It made me so happy. He asked about how my previous night had gone and confessed he had consulted with his guy friend about texting me, which I thought was cute and flattering.  He apologized that he had been exhausted and not himself a couple nights earlier. I told him it had made me unsure whether or not he really wanted to be there, but he told me, no, he was definitely interested. It was amazing how he made me feel better so quickly.

We got drinks inside one of the hotels and wove through the crowd to meet up with Chase's guy friend and another girl. Chase was definitely seeming like himself, at least, as much as I knew him so far. He remained very attentive, reaching out to hold my hand or resting his hand on my back. We had a great time chatting and walking around, commenting on the costumes and the bizarre people present.

When we were a ways behind the other two people in our group, he told me that his friend had said I was dating a bunch of people. I freaked out inside. I didn't know whether this fact was helping me or hurting me, but since we had both had a couple drinks at this point, I told him I had been going on dates but that a lot of the guys were kind of lame (completely the truth). I asked him if he was dating anyone as well, and he said he wasn't. I was a little shocked that by this point, we had already talked more about feelings and dating more than Dreamy and I had in a year. Chase kept telling me vulnerable things, and I shocked myself by what I was able to say back; I normally clam up completely when it comes to discussing feelings. I was surprised to observe Chase unapologetically state what was on his mind; further, it was in a way that brought me closer to him, a way that was so cute instead of scaring me off.

Chase is a really funny guy - his mannerisms and the way he interacts with people, the way he rolls his eyes jokingly or pretends to push your face away. It's hard to explain how entertaining he is, but it's silly and adorable and I love it. When the dance floor started, we became so wrapped up in our own world that we lost the rest of the group. I had the absolute best time. It was a night that I want to remember for a long time. He was so cute and was so sweet to me. He came home with me (and behaved himself). He's the most perfect kisser. It's not often that I have the feeling of missing a guy, but I can't wait to see him next.

With the bliss that comes along with Chase, there is pain associated with ending things with another guy. The Tinder guy has gotten really needy and has been raising a lot of red flags, and additionally, I realized I would be embarrassed introducing him to friends. He's good-looking but the things that come out of his mouth are things that make me not want to associate with him. We've only been on three dates, so I just stopped responding to his messages and believe the choice to do so is appropriate; however, he keeps texting. In one of the last couple messages, he demanded that I call him ASAP because we had talked about seeing each other that day (and I wasn't responding to him anymore). I essentially sent a break-up text and added that I felt too ill to talk on the phone that day, which was true. I don't owe him anything. (He has committed several dating faux pas that back this up and which counted alone should have been enough to dismiss him.) However, he misinterpreted my text and thought I was only saying I was sick, not that I didn't want to see him anymore. I'm just going to leave it alone and hope he doesn't blow up. Thank god he doesn't know where I live.

In spirit of not leaving things on a bad note, I'm really optimistic about what is coming next this year. Part of me feels vulnerable and scared, hoping that nothing can keep me from what I might have. Part of me feels paralyzed, not knowing how to handle something that is truly great. But mostly, I hope that something so positive will outshine all of my fears and the hard things that come along with something new.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Overcoming a questionable start

You may or may not remember Chase, the boy with "amnesia" from my last post. Well, I have some excellent, tremendously exciting news: my friends found a way to re-introduce us!

As I was embarking on my third date with one of the Tinder guys, I got a text from my girl friend saying that Chase was coming out to the event our other friends had planned for the night. I made a total player move and ended the Tinder date fairly early in order to make it to the event where Chase and my friends would be (at one of those awesome new game, bowling, and bar combination venues).

I knew that meeting Chase again would be awkward, given that he didn't remember me but that his guy friend likely filled him on what happened that night. We kind of awkwardly avoided talking to each other at first, but after I had a couple drinks, of course I began feeling more comfortable about discussing our little situation (and so did he).

"So what exactly happened?" he asked, as he hadn't heard my version of the story yet.

I told him we had had a lot of fun, we danced, and he had told me some pretty funny details (such as volunteering his middle name). He said when he woke up the next day, he had this feeling that he'd had a really good night but couldn't remember why or what had happened.

It's weird, but blackout Chase thankfully has similar taste as regular Chase. After we talked things out, it's almost like we picked right back up where we had left off: there was a lot of kissing and dancing, and I had so much fun. He gives me really good feelings, and he's not like these other guys I've been meeting lately, who get clingy really quickly and who almost try to keep track of you at all times (they ask what you're doing virtually every day - which is very irritating).

He met up with us the next night as well for a little bit. I like him. I'm a little worried that he won't ask me on a real date, because we've just been together in group settings at bars. Based on a few words that our mutual guy friend said to me, I've also inferred Chase is not always an initiator with the ladies. I've been reading this book lately that essentially says a guy may like you enough to put in X and Y effort (e.g., kiss you at a bar) but that doesn't mean he likes you enough to follow through with Z action (e.g., take you on dates and be in a relationship with you). This is a really eye-opening mindset for me but has inspired a bit of pessimism as well. In the future, with a guy I really like, I feel like I am going to be bothered with worries about the quality of his actions and what that means in terms of the strength of his feelings for me.

But I'm not going to chase Chase, even though I feel this odd compulsion to do so. I am going to sit back, wait, and hope he makes moves on his own.