Not ready

The last setting I described with Chase was nothing short of bliss. That feeling kept with me throughout the week, heart practically bursting. We hadn't planned anything for the following Friday, but my roommate kind of schemed so that Chase and I ended up out together in the same group again. We were both surprised to see each other there, but it shouldn't have been as surprising as we took it since it's the same people with us almost every time. I was a little offended he hadn't reached out to me personally, but since his guy friend (best friend), Lee, had told me once that Chase was shy, I gave him a pass. We were happy to see each other, and we essentially had a repeat night of wonderfulness.

A few drinks in, I was given the piece of information I needed to understand why Chase hadn't contacted me that night. Earlier that night, Lee told Chase that things had happened between Lee and I earlier in the year. I was shocked both at Chase's honesty for telling me that he knew as well as at the fact that Lee told him. I literally almost started to cry on the spot, saying, "That makes me really upset." I felt like Lee was trying to come between Chase and I, and what happened with Lee didn't mean anything - we've never been interested in each other for real. Chase said it made him uncomfortable but that he was glad that he knew. In a way, I was relieved too, so that I didn't have to hide it from him; yet I didn't want it to change anything between us. I told him that he has to know that what he and I have is nothing like what was between Lee and me. Chase said he knew that. We talked through it a little more. Chase said, still, I really like you. I know we were drinking, but he ended up telling me he loved me several times that night. I didn't say it back because I wanted to take it with a grain of salt, and I didn't want to embarrass him by taking it too seriously when I wasn't sure how he meant it. It's crazy to think about though, because I was really feeling those feelings too. I just kept telling him back that he is a sweetheart. We managed to have another amazing night. I remember telling him that I was so happy, and he said, me too.

We hadn't texted during the week, but we were going back and forth on Saturday after he went home. It was mostly about nothing, but silly me, remembering Lee's comment that Chase was shy, dropped my normal MO and decided to go for it, asking what he was doing that night. His slowness to respond immediately filled me with dread. We had stayed up way, way, too late, so I knew that sleeping explained some of the delay, but when I kept hearing back from him, that anxious feeling wouldn't go away. He ended picking me up pretty late and we went out to meet Lee and some others. I felt so awkward (plus sober) and closed off, though; even though we ended up out together, the way he responded still made me feel rejected. We had good conversations that night, but it was different. I was distant, and we were more quiet than normal. We weren't as affectionate because we had already discussed that Lee was super annoyed at us about that so we were going to be good. I knew Chase had morning plans with his family but tried not to be disappointed when he didn't come inside after taking me home at the end of the night.

As this week went on, the feeling of dread kept growing. When we were with each other, he had been asking me a lot about going to a concert this weekend, but neither of us had tickets at the times we discussed it. I was hoping that maybe it would come up last minute and that would mean we'd be spending a lot of weekend time together, but he never got in touch this week to confirm it or talk about it again. I should have just said yes right then instead of being vague about going, so that we would have already had plans.

I didn't want to feel that terrible anxious feeling of possibly being rejected or not received warmly, so I haven't reached out to him again. Still, I've felt so heartsick and lonely not hearing from him. I hate that it has been killing me even though I've only known him a month.

I went out last night to a school event and didn't know Lee would be there. I had a few drinks and then confronted Lee about what the heck was going on with his BFF Chase - that I hadn't heard from him since last weekend. Lee told me that Chase likes me, to calm down, that Chase is in school and working at the same time so he's been busy. But things really started to come together when Lee said, he probably shouldn't be mentioning this to me, but Chase just had his heart ripped apart by some other girl. I've looked at Chase's pictures so I knew exactly who the bitch was, but I think it's been a couple months now, if not more. Lee said he thinks that Chase is not ready to be in a relationship again but acknowledges that he does fall fast. He said that if I want a relationship, then I probably am just going to have to wait around for him for a little bit.

The more time I've had to process it, the more at ease I feel about it:  at least not talking to me is not an outright rejection of me - it could be that he's just still thinking about this other girl. That still sucks, but I keep telling myself that if I am better than her, more charming, more put together, more in shape, then I'll win him over (silly, I know); at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of girl that waits around for a guy. But again, I didn't develop feelings during my last relationship, so maybe someone I have strong feelings for is worth holding out for. I don't know. I stopped seeing/talking to other guys since Chase and I last talked about that topic, but now I don't know if I should feel dumb for doing that. What keeps going through my mind too is that all of our heart-to-hearts have been after several drinks. How much of this is real? When he was with me in those amazing times, it didn't seem like another girl was ever on his mind. At the same time, I may still have nothing to have inner debates about, nothing to wait around for, because Friday night is almost over and I still haven't heard from the guy. I'm so confused. I don't want to be the one to initiate contact first, and I don't see how Chase could turn off the switch, and go from hot to cold, this fast. I just can't swallow that this might be over already.

Having real feelings for someone is no fun sometimes.