Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Conflicting dating theories

Regarding the Chase saga: I last left off when I was upset and agonized over hoping I'd hear from him on a Friday night. Thank goodness I had fun plans with friends the next night to take my mind off of him and my disappointment. Unfortunately, a very wise guy friend was present, who offered to compose a "chill" text message for me telling Chase which area of town we were hitting up that night and inviting him to join.

Chase wrote back shortly afterwards to say he was currently at a bar a couple miles away. I wasn't sure what to say, since he obviously had already set up shop with friends there, but I wasn't about to go ditch my plans to go running to him, especially since he wasn't exactly down the street. Drunken decisions again got the best of me, when I allowed another girl to convince me to tell him I was at X bar and that he should come dance with me. I heard nothing for a while, and then he asked if I was going to dance with him. At this point, his spelling was off, and I could see a little bit of drunk text syndrome taking over.

Since I'd already been out with my friends for most of the night and they wanted to go home soon, they told me it would be permissible for me to go meet him. Only thing was, Mr. Chase was too far gone to text me coherently anymore. He called me to ask what the plan was, and since I was on my way home and my phone was about to die, I told him he could come over (bad M!), and he agreed to the plan. (He has slept over a couple times before but was well-behaved, if you know what I mean.) I knew it was bad to do this, but I just wanted to see him. He called again right before I got home to say he was stopping at his place then coming over, but combined with his state at that point in the night, this stop at home meant he was unlikely to actually make it to my place. I hoped he would, but he didn't show.

He texted me a couple times that week, and I'm quite certain he doesn't remember talking on the phone that night. The text conversations were really short. I wasn't sure why he was reaching out if he didn't want to talk that much or suggest that we see each other. He did ask if I was going to a festival the next weekend, which didn't end up working out on my end. Even though he didn't end up going either, he didn't suggest seeing each other otherwise.

Admittedly it does bother me that he acts like, and says, he really likes me when he's drinking, and then barely acknowledges I exist when he's sober. I don't need someone like that. I'm too old for that. But I still had feelings for him, and this is where two different arguments come up against each other. One side says that guys can be shy and that they won't ask girls out, even ones they really like; the girl has to make it abundantly clear that it would be well-received, or she has to do the asking herself. Part of me was trying to convince myself he might be one of those guys, but he asked me out perfectly fine for this event downtown. This side of thinking, inspired by this podcast, says guys like girls that aren't passive and who take some initiative with guys - that it's okay to let a guy think you might like him.

The other voice, the other side of the argument, says that if he likes me enough, he will make things happen between us; if he isn't making his interest clear to me and asking me out, then there is no genuine interest.

At this point, the second argument is winning. I'm not trying to talk to him, I'm not thinking about him as much, and I'm trying to talk to and date other guys again. I really am getting over him pretty well, but I just thought I'd update you all on where the story has settled. ;) My goal is to start getting excited about a couple of other guys so that when Chase resurfaces, I'm in a really great place instead of being overeager and still pining. My roomie has been the one to coordinate all the groups that have led to Chase and I running into each other, but she's been traveling a lot lately; as a result, I haven't run into him by accident since the last time she schemed for Chase and I to meet. Chase and I also go to school together but are on opposite schedules and haven't run into each other there yet. I'm sure I'll see him one way or another soon, but if he's not trying to text me or call me or make plans, I would much rather just talk to him the next time I see in person rather than plot my next "accidental" meeting or use my energy trying to craft the perfect texts. In person is just easier.

Part of me wishes I hadn't ever met Chase, even though I really and truly adored him. I was in this awesome headspace before him, this "look at my badass, single, party-filled life" mentality, and was just so excited about possibilities, about being free of Dreamy, about having a post-MBA job offer already signed. I'm trying to get that back. I hate that meeting him and being disappointed by him took it away and made me start to doubt myself.

In other news, I've been pretty good at spotting red flags with new (dating app) guys. There is one who was demanding about me switching over from the app to texting/giving him my phone number, who brought up the word "sleepover" within the first few texts, and who sends a bunch of texts and questions before I've responded to the first. RED FLAGS. Irritating. He is asking if we're still going out now, to which I greeted with silence. Responding, "Sorry, I just don't think we're a match," is going to lead to more questions, more texts, and probably insults - so I'm going to keep silent on this one. I just wish he would get it - spelling this type of thing out is not going to be pretty.

Cross your fingers for me, please!


  1. I have to say that I agree with your concerns about Chase only showing real interest when he's drunk. That's not a good sign and you definitely deserve better than that.

    Also, I spent YEARS rationalizing shitty, dismissive behavior from guys, giving them the benefit of the doubt in face of questionable behavior. I finally learned that it's not that complicated, and men are pretty simple, straightforward creatures ultimately. If he wants to see you, he will make the effort. If he only reaches out when he's drunk, lose his number because that's lame and you're not just a drunk dial!

    Good luck! :-)

    1. I instigated the text message convo on a drinking night, so getting a drunk call that night was probably my fault. While he definitely has not been impressive lately, he hasn't drunk dialed otherwise. You're right though -- it's time to expect higher standards and dismiss everything else!

  2. We've all done slightly desperate and needy things when drunk, it happens :) What's frustrating is that when you recognize you're being a little pathetic by asking him to come over and HE DOESN'T SHOW! That has happened to me before and it sucks. Because you know he's not going to make it up to you with a date or anything.

    It is concerning that he shows interest while drinking, but then gets too drunk to do much about it. Combined with his past, he doesn't fully seem to be in relationship mode. Your plan of focusing on other guys is a good one, and who knows where things may end up in a few months with Chase.

    Bluemoon is right, men are pretty simple and straightforward. To add to that, they are also pretty selfish - not always in overt mean ways, but they put themselves first, even if it means leading on a perfectly nice girl.

    1. Yeah, I really wanted him to show - even though he was drunk, I convinced myself that if he saw me one more time, he'd remember how much fun we have, and we'd get back on track with seeing each other regularly. I think I've done enough to show him I'm interested, so if in a few months he decides he is too, it's his turn to make a move.

      The leading people on thing is so weird to me - sometimes it's crazy to think about how differently guys and girls operate. I know guys will almost accept any girl to get some physical action, but as a girl, I'm not interested in starting anything with anyone unless I genuinely like the guy! Thanks, it's always interesting to hear your perspective on situations, and the "guys are selfish" idea is a good one to keep in mind to help screen guys in the future.