Monday, May 25, 2015

New Developments

I haven't had the talk with Dreamy yet. I saw him for a few hours this weekend but didn't stay at his place for long. Our time with each other was actually fine and enjoyable, so it made bringing up bad news difficult; I also was not ready to talk about breaking up, and writing my last post set me at ease and got some of the negative feelings out of my mind. To be clear, though, I still don't want to continue the relationship. I won't see him for a couple of weeks because I am going to visit my parents a few states away, so maybe the distance will help throw off our routine and get me to finally admit what is on my mind.

The new development is an exciting one. My female roommate moved out for the summer, and a grad student from a different business school has moved in for the summer - and this new roomie is a guy. I have never lived with a boy before, but ex-roomie waited too long to find someone to sublease her room; so here we are. I saw a few pictures of the guy after we agreed to room together, and I wasn't sure how things would shake out in person. He moved in this weekend, and he is really, really cute and has a laid-back, charming personality that I like. It is exciting to feel this way again... I have a crush! I have not disclosed to him that I have a boyfriend, and Dreamy does not know I have a male roommate. It's a sticky situation, but Hot Roomie is out of town now for a couple weeks, plus I won't see Dreamy for a couple weeks - buying me some time to sort my life out. The pup is not a fan of Hot Roomie yet but hopefully he will come around. :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A Shift

Without question there are reasons it has been so long since I've written. For a while, it was because things on the relationship front were smooth. Since then, it has been because I have been doubting my feelings again. Unfortunately, in dating, I place too much weight on mystery. The initial attraction to Dreamy was largely attributable to this. I got to know him slowly, and since he travels for work, I only saw him once a week. In a matter of days will mark a year since we began dating. After all of this time, I feel I have a good sense of Dreamy's personality; but the catch is, I don't like what I see. Even considering the facts I learned from the beginning of our time together, such as huge struggles he endured when he was younger and the value he places on integrity, I feel in many ways I do not like my boyfriend as a person.

Now I can see the problem in online dating. With Dreamy, it allowed me to create - and for too long, hold onto - a picture in my head of him that wasn't entirely accurate. I began to doubt my feelings the first time I saw him interact with his friends, about four or five months after we started dating. This is where I was exposed to new sides of his personality - sides which now are the ones that are predominant when I am with him. It makes me sad it took me so long to figure someone out; I kept ignoring those exact doubts and giving him more time, yet my issues with him all come down to those very traits I sensed that early on.

Dreamy is extremely opinionated and particular. It bothers me that he is not more laid-back; I feel if we were to ever get married, he would get the say in everything - and I would not be a happy wife. I see this from everything from picking home decor to choosing a date activity; the rare time I suggest a bar, restaurant, or date idea, usually he completely craps on it or just ignores what I have said. While I thought he was incredibly good looking at first, his personality has become such a big part of how I "see" him that I no longer find him physically attractive.

While he has many good qualities, I feel if I loved him, I would overlook the bad things. It's great that my dog likes him. But I do not think I will ever love Dreamy like I want to love a boyfriend or future spouse. We never talk about feelings, though. We had a small argument last week but it wasn't enough for me to begin revealing my doubts. I have been very pleasant around him, because I still view him as a friend. In short, if I were to break up with him, he would not see it coming - I haven't voiced any of my complaints because we always talk about "things" - houses, work, dogs - and he talks most of the time. If I want to add anything to what he says, lately, I have to interrupt him or talk over him (because he won't stop talking when I start). More and more I foresee a loveless and unfulfilled future with him, but I don't know how to get out of this. We already text very little (and he always texts me), and most weeks he calls me once - so pulling away to "give him a hint" would literally mean me not responding to him. He has been very good to me in certain ways, and we have been together essentially a year, so it is clear I owe him much more respect than a fade out.

I feel like this is a guy I cannot reveal my feelings to anymore, so I don't know how to say the words to break up with him. I don't want to keep going through the motions though. I want to feel something with someone, but being committed like this means I can't move on until I end it. It's just not going to be pretty when I do.