Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A Shift

Without question there are reasons it has been so long since I've written. For a while, it was because things on the relationship front were smooth. Since then, it has been because I have been doubting my feelings again. Unfortunately, in dating, I place too much weight on mystery. The initial attraction to Dreamy was largely attributable to this. I got to know him slowly, and since he travels for work, I only saw him once a week. In a matter of days will mark a year since we began dating. After all of this time, I feel I have a good sense of Dreamy's personality; but the catch is, I don't like what I see. Even considering the facts I learned from the beginning of our time together, such as huge struggles he endured when he was younger and the value he places on integrity, I feel in many ways I do not like my boyfriend as a person.

Now I can see the problem in online dating. With Dreamy, it allowed me to create - and for too long, hold onto - a picture in my head of him that wasn't entirely accurate. I began to doubt my feelings the first time I saw him interact with his friends, about four or five months after we started dating. This is where I was exposed to new sides of his personality - sides which now are the ones that are predominant when I am with him. It makes me sad it took me so long to figure someone out; I kept ignoring those exact doubts and giving him more time, yet my issues with him all come down to those very traits I sensed that early on.

Dreamy is extremely opinionated and particular. It bothers me that he is not more laid-back; I feel if we were to ever get married, he would get the say in everything - and I would not be a happy wife. I see this from everything from picking home decor to choosing a date activity; the rare time I suggest a bar, restaurant, or date idea, usually he completely craps on it or just ignores what I have said. While I thought he was incredibly good looking at first, his personality has become such a big part of how I "see" him that I no longer find him physically attractive.

While he has many good qualities, I feel if I loved him, I would overlook the bad things. It's great that my dog likes him. But I do not think I will ever love Dreamy like I want to love a boyfriend or future spouse. We never talk about feelings, though. We had a small argument last week but it wasn't enough for me to begin revealing my doubts. I have been very pleasant around him, because I still view him as a friend. In short, if I were to break up with him, he would not see it coming - I haven't voiced any of my complaints because we always talk about "things" - houses, work, dogs - and he talks most of the time. If I want to add anything to what he says, lately, I have to interrupt him or talk over him (because he won't stop talking when I start). More and more I foresee a loveless and unfulfilled future with him, but I don't know how to get out of this. We already text very little (and he always texts me), and most weeks he calls me once - so pulling away to "give him a hint" would literally mean me not responding to him. He has been very good to me in certain ways, and we have been together essentially a year, so it is clear I owe him much more respect than a fade out.

I feel like this is a guy I cannot reveal my feelings to anymore, so I don't know how to say the words to break up with him. I don't want to keep going through the motions though. I want to feel something with someone, but being committed like this means I can't move on until I end it. It's just not going to be pretty when I do.


  1. Thanks for your comment. It's good to hear other perspectives and to hear that I'm not totally irrational!

    Wow!!! Is there any possibility of you talking through it? I think once you approach that '1 year mark' or once you're in a long- term committed relationship, you inevitably have doubts, owing to the 'honeymoon period' being over, but from what you've said, it sounds like you have genuine worries.

    Someone's emotional flaws can make them unattractive and I guess, it's really hindering your relationship. I think you should be with someone who makes you feel fulfilled and who respects what you have to say. I love how you said, you like many things about him and rather than referring to his qualities, you mention how your dog likes him, that's worrying if that's the main and only factor!

  2. This is completely beyond talking through, in my opinion. I"m sorry that it's turned out that way, but hearing you say that you feel like you'd be an unhappy wife, and that you see a loveless and unfilled future, are major red flags.

    It sounds like you know what needs to be done and again, I'm sorry.... these conversations are so terrifying and tough. Sending you support and encouragement.