Without question there are reasons it has been so long since I've written. For a while, it was because things on the relationship front were smooth. Since then, it has been because I have been doubting my feelings again. Unfortunately, in dating, I place too much weight on mystery. The initial attraction to Dreamy was largely attributable to this. I got to know him slowly, and since he travels for work, I only saw him once a week. In a matter of days will mark a year since we began dating. After all of this time, I feel I have a good sense of Dreamy's personality; but the catch is, I don't like what I see. Even considering the facts I learned from the beginning of our time together, such as huge struggles he endured when he was younger and the value he places on integrity, I feel in many ways I do not like my boyfriend as a person.
Now I can see the problem in online dating. With Dreamy, it allowed me to create - and for too long, hold onto - a picture in my head of him that wasn't entirely accurate. I began to doubt my feelings the first time I saw him interact with his friends, about four or five months after we started dating. This is where I was exposed to new sides of his personality - sides which now are the ones that are predominant when I am with him. It makes me sad it took me so long to figure someone out; I kept ignoring those exact doubts and giving him more time, yet my issues with him all come down to those very traits I sensed that early on.
Dreamy is extremely opinionated and particular. It bothers me that he is not more laid-back; I feel if we were to ever get married, he would get the say in everything - and I would not be a happy wife. I see this from everything from picking home decor to choosing a date activity; the rare time I suggest a bar, restaurant, or date idea, usually he completely craps on it or just ignores what I have said. While I thought he was incredibly good looking at first, his personality has become such a big part of how I "see" him that I no longer find him physically attractive.
While he has many good qualities, I feel if I loved him, I would overlook the bad things. It's great that my dog likes him. But I do not think I will ever love Dreamy like I want to love a boyfriend or future spouse. We never talk about feelings, though. We had a small argument last week but it wasn't enough for me to begin revealing my doubts. I have been very pleasant around him, because I still view him as a friend. In short, if I were to break up with him, he would not see it coming - I haven't voiced any of my complaints because we always talk about "things" - houses, work, dogs - and he talks most of the time. If I want to add anything to what he says, lately, I have to interrupt him or talk over him (because he won't stop talking when I start). More and more I foresee a loveless and unfulfilled future with him, but I don't know how to get out of this. We already text very little (and he always texts me), and most weeks he calls me once - so pulling away to "give him a hint" would literally mean me not responding to him. He has been very good to me in certain ways, and we have been together essentially a year, so it is clear I owe him much more respect than a fade out.
I feel like this is a guy I cannot reveal my feelings to anymore, so I don't know how to say the words to break up with him. I don't want to keep going through the motions though. I want to feel something with someone, but being committed like this means I can't move on until I end it. It's just not going to be pretty when I do.