Friday, June 28, 2013

Playing the Field?

Spring and summer have really brought the guys out to play this year. I've been embracing the philosophy of dating multiple guys at a time, but it's getting complicated. Things have started to become regular with a new guy - we'll call him Rugby Guy - and I've noticed he hasn't been logging into the dating site much lately. However, in my experience, when I've been really into one guy in particular, I will stop logging in on a regular basis after we've gone on a few dates. I do notice that some guys continue to log in frequently, even if things between us seem to be going well. And since I haven't claimed anyone as an official boyfriend in quite a while, it's safe to say that the previous observation is fairly telling. Those guys didn't work out for me.

Rugby Guy's profile does say he's looking for a serious relationship, but we know statements like that can be honest or purposely deceptive, depending on the guy. The thing is, I'm starting to feel bad that I'm still dating around. Rugby Guy and I have had some sexytime, as Sabrina cleverly calls it, and even though he's the only one I'm sharing that with right now, I still feel guilty that I'm talking to other guys. Hell, I've been planning dates with other guys and am still starting conversations with new ones. That being said, I am a fiercely loyal girl. If I'm really into someone, enough that we decide we're going to be exclusive, I don't break that. That's one of my great qualities, I think, that I don't cheat. But if I think I were about to get serious with someone other than Rugby Guy, I would need to decide between the two guys and stop seeing one of them.

I'm not sold on Rugby Guy yet, and he hasn't asked me to be, either. He's slowly opening up, and I'm seeing more and more that we could have something great - but I definitely need more time to see things through.

The thing I'm wondering the most is when I will know it's time to stop dating around. I don't want a guy to think I'm a hoe, seeing a million other dudes, but I also know it's good for the guy you're into to realize that you're in high demand - so that he will step up his game and actively do something if he wants you to be with only him. I've put all my eggs in one basket several times before, without commitment from the other party, and that ended up being a bad idea because I was the one who got hurt.

I guess with guys in the past, I've pretty much known/strongly suspected they were seeing other people, so I thought it was totally ok for me to do the same. With Rugby Guy, I think he's actually serious and might not be trying to talk to anyone else anymore... But I don't want to count on that and silently hold out for him without us discussing it. Lately I've been thinking I don't really believe in having "the talk," so this is gonna be a hard situation... Let's just hope it figures itself out!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stepping Back

I've been thinking about writing this several times but I haven't felt ready yet. I still don't feel ready or like I've processed everything but I just feel like writing would make me feel better.

My daydreams entitled "I'm Dating My Future Husband" have come to an abrupt, unwelcome halt. August is an incredible guy. He's so many things I've been looking for, plus he has all these characteristics I didn't know I wanted but now I do. He's looking for a wife and a long-lasting future with someone. After an incredible whirlwind of dates and even hanging out with him and his friends for an entire weekend, as you know, I got sudden silence from him. It really got to me. He'd been so warm to me, so interested, and I wasn't used to him being cold.

While I was on a date with this Asian guy (I met him when I was undeniably tipsy at the pool, and I remember his English being much more fluent poolside) and he was in the restroom, I checked my phone and was shocked to see a missed call from August. I'd had one the night before too, but I thought it was an accident or a pocket-dial because he never left a message. After a weekend moping over not hearing from August, I was ridiculously giddy again in a nanosecond. I'm not fond of the fact that I do that.

I have no self control and had to call him back that night, literally seconds after Mr. Asian dropped me back off at my place. I'd had coffee before the drinking date with Mr. Asian, so the combination of caffeine and a very strong bourbon cocktail left me feeling very ready to have a li'l chit-chat with August. We got a couple of sentences of small talk in before I started in on exactly what I was thinking.

"It was really hurtful that I didn't hear back from you at all this weekend."

He threw in some comments about being busy with errands and apartment shopping. Then he told me, "I've been doing a lot of thinking over the week about us, and there are some hesitations I have that make me unsure."

Of course I was quite curious to hear what they were, and I told him as much.

I don't want to give my real identity away, just in case some technology stalker freak from my past figures out this is my blog (I'm paranoid like that), so I wish I could tell you exactly what August said so you would know how RIDICULOUS his thinking is. Essentially it's a disagreement over eating habits, and it could likely be resolved if we talked about it a little more (or if he tasted my cooking) - especially since we'd been doing a lot of activity dates and had eaten a total of two meals alone together.

After he told me about this issue, I said, "Is that really a big enough concern to give up on something good that's going on?" If you have real feelings for someone, this wouldn't be something you'd throw away a relationship over.

"I know it's silly," he said, "and I think you're so great. I've had a really good time with you, and I wonder if in a week or a month from now I'm going to regret this and want to text you or call you up. But I just never thought I would marry a girl who XX."

Talk about confusing.

I told him I won't be waiting around for him to decide I'm worth his time again. He said he agreed that I shouldn't do that. I told him the choice was up to him.

In normal-person speak, he seemed to be trying to say he felt a physical/emotional connection with me, but this one particular fact about me is a dealbreaker. I must add, he's basically known most of this fact since the beginning of us emailing one another.

I was confused as hell. He even said he discussed this issue with his friends and that his friends love me and think he's being dumb.

I asked, "Do you have any other issues with us? Are you sure that's all?" There had to be something else - something he didn't like about me on the inside. Pretty sure he thinks I'm a hottie, so it can't be that. ;)

He came back with, "Well, I know you're not into sports like I am. That's something I really enjoy and is important to me."

Ridiculousness #2. What?? I have told him (and I have email proof), that I like going to live games (if I have a giant beer in my hand, it's a great time!) but don't root passionately for any teams in particular. I'm just happy to be there and don't care who wins the game. I told him that I'm a girl and there are going to be some differences in interests (such as shoe shopping), but that I'm happy to be involved in things he likes.

I just feel like now that he doesn't understand me. I'm a flexible and adaptable person. I'm willing to do a lot for a guy that I genuinely care about. I'm happy to compromise. The character flaw that came out in him over our conversation is that he doesn't like one of my particular interests, and he's not willing or ready or even ready to talk about compromise even part of the way over it, even though I would be. He knows so little about my belief in this issue - he just knows the surface - so I think he misunderstands. He says I deserve a guy who will like me for these things, but that he's having trouble with them.

What this phone call with him tells me is that he doesn't like me enough to overlook our small differences. That he is willing to throw me away because of a small thing he is scared of. Part of me thinks this warrants another conversation with him, to assure him we'd be okay, but the other part doesn't believe him - that this stupid little thing is just an excuse to avoid telling me why he really doesn't think we'll work.

Stupidly I'm going on other dates, trying to busy myself in conversation with other perfectly nice guys, but my mind won't get off of August. It's not even one of those "You want it because you can't have it" things - I was incredibly interested much before he started going cold. I'm stupidly waiting for him to call or text, telling me he was wrong and he misses me.

I know like with Paolo, I'd get over it eventually, but I just don't want to let August go. August said he wanted to be friends and see me still occasionally, but I just told him we'd be seeing about that.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know I don't have much to lose by being assertive and either
(a.) getting further closure from him so I can move on
or (b.) persuading him to have another conversation about our issues to clarify misunderstandings and try again.

But fellow readers, I graciously invite any of you to bring me back down to earth. How often has an invite to another conversation, or an invite to try again, lead to an actual relationship or marriage?

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Not this again

It's beating a dead horse to bring him up again, but the truth is I was likely in love with Paolo when he broke things off. I didn't see how my life would go on after we broke up. I had nothing to look forward to and I thought I couldn't look at any other guy the way I saw and adored Paolo. It was foolish, as warning signs were there and I ignored them. Since then I've written him off as the ultimate commitment-phobe.

How long does it really take to fall in love? In just a few weeks, at least internally, I started to reach obsessing status with August. I started to get really hopeful, because I didn't think I would feel again for a long time after Paolo. August and I have seen each other three weekends in a row, and I met his friends this past one. Minutes after my last post, he texted and then called me about our plans. It seemed like all my doubts had been unfounded - that I was being dramatic. An hour after posting I was over at his place with his friends as planned.

August remained so sweet to me and was treating me so well I couldn't believe it. We bid farewell last weekend with talk of seeing each other the next weekend. We'd spent time together three different days last week, and all things considered together, it seemed like we were on the fast track to relationship status. He remained respectful and didn't even try to get sex from it, although he had the opportunity multiple times.

I texted him midweek, and he wrote back immediately but wasn't too talkative. I dismissed it - I wrote him back late in the evening and didn't ask him any questions or give him much to follow up on. He didn't say another word and then it was Friday. I feel like I take too much and don't give enough when it comes to talking to guys, so I initiated contact with him again, asking what he had going on this weekend. Total silence.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I tried to keep myself busy, lamely but hopefully waiting to hear from him - hoping the case would be the same as last week's episode of poor communication. It wasn't. It was different. Eventually I hit breaking point, and it became late enough in the day where I knew I wouldn't hear from him. If he wanted to just text a few words, he would have. I moped for the rest of the day. I feel like the heartbreak has hit rock-bottom.

My dad called in the evening. While I was talking to him, August called as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't click over to answer August's call but figured I'd give it at least an hour and then try back. I swung from miserable to happy and relieved. I got off the phone with my dad only to see August hadn't left a message. No text. Nothing. It didn't seem like it rang that long, but I have a brand new phone so I wasn't sure. I wondered for a moment if he called by accident and hung up.

I consulted Google for advice about when to call him back, and ultimately just went for it and called an hour later. No answer. It seemed like the one person I was waiting to hear from did indeed accidentally call me. He didn't pick up his phone a mere hour later and hasn't contacted me since, so it seems like the only explanation.

I feel dumb for feeling so torn up over August, but deep down, my gut instincts told me I might be dating my future husband. Honestly, he seemed very serious about us and like he was really into me. He has a history of staying in relationships for a very long time, and he's stated he's looking for something long-term. I have no idea what happened to make him lose interest in just a few days, but in this situation it's been long enough where it's completely unacceptable that he disappears without saying anything. If only you guys could read our initial messages from OkCupid, you would understand what I mean and how different things have been with him. It's crazy to me to have so much interest from him, to zero. From so much courtesy, to zero.

At first I thought I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of trying to contact him again, but now I feel that I need to talk to him a final time before walking away for good. I've drafted up a biting text that normally I wouldn't send, but I just need to get a word in even if he doesn't return any words of his own. At minimum, I want to let him know his behavior is not ok.

Writing this has made me feel better, but I'm still feeling empty inside. Love is the primary thing I want in my life right now. Now that I've been so close a couple of times recently it hurts that much harder to have my heart broken. It makes it so hard to trust a guy again, when I have one that totally trips me up. Hell, it's hard to trust myself, when I can be so wrong as to think a guy is one of those rare genuine gentleman, and then he turns out to be an inconsiderate ass at the core. It worries me that my radar can be so far off to be hopeful about a future with a guy who ends up not respecting me at all. To be fair to myself though, he's said (in what I thought was a humble, genuine way) that he's a guy that really does respect women.

I have a date with a new guy tonight (since I'm writing this post at 5 AM technically) and it's coming at a good time to help me keep my mind off of August. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready. The impact of August's actions will be running in the background. It's going to be really hard to believe and trust the guys that come after him. I don't find guys I like often, but when I do, I fall much more quickly than I'm comfortable with.

What I still can't believe it that I lasted five more months with commitment-phobe Paolo than I did with self-advertised "long-term" August.