Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stepping Back

I've been thinking about writing this several times but I haven't felt ready yet. I still don't feel ready or like I've processed everything but I just feel like writing would make me feel better.

My daydreams entitled "I'm Dating My Future Husband" have come to an abrupt, unwelcome halt. August is an incredible guy. He's so many things I've been looking for, plus he has all these characteristics I didn't know I wanted but now I do. He's looking for a wife and a long-lasting future with someone. After an incredible whirlwind of dates and even hanging out with him and his friends for an entire weekend, as you know, I got sudden silence from him. It really got to me. He'd been so warm to me, so interested, and I wasn't used to him being cold.

While I was on a date with this Asian guy (I met him when I was undeniably tipsy at the pool, and I remember his English being much more fluent poolside) and he was in the restroom, I checked my phone and was shocked to see a missed call from August. I'd had one the night before too, but I thought it was an accident or a pocket-dial because he never left a message. After a weekend moping over not hearing from August, I was ridiculously giddy again in a nanosecond. I'm not fond of the fact that I do that.

I have no self control and had to call him back that night, literally seconds after Mr. Asian dropped me back off at my place. I'd had coffee before the drinking date with Mr. Asian, so the combination of caffeine and a very strong bourbon cocktail left me feeling very ready to have a li'l chit-chat with August. We got a couple of sentences of small talk in before I started in on exactly what I was thinking.

"It was really hurtful that I didn't hear back from you at all this weekend."

He threw in some comments about being busy with errands and apartment shopping. Then he told me, "I've been doing a lot of thinking over the week about us, and there are some hesitations I have that make me unsure."

Of course I was quite curious to hear what they were, and I told him as much.

I don't want to give my real identity away, just in case some technology stalker freak from my past figures out this is my blog (I'm paranoid like that), so I wish I could tell you exactly what August said so you would know how RIDICULOUS his thinking is. Essentially it's a disagreement over eating habits, and it could likely be resolved if we talked about it a little more (or if he tasted my cooking) - especially since we'd been doing a lot of activity dates and had eaten a total of two meals alone together.

After he told me about this issue, I said, "Is that really a big enough concern to give up on something good that's going on?" If you have real feelings for someone, this wouldn't be something you'd throw away a relationship over.

"I know it's silly," he said, "and I think you're so great. I've had a really good time with you, and I wonder if in a week or a month from now I'm going to regret this and want to text you or call you up. But I just never thought I would marry a girl who XX."

Talk about confusing.

I told him I won't be waiting around for him to decide I'm worth his time again. He said he agreed that I shouldn't do that. I told him the choice was up to him.

In normal-person speak, he seemed to be trying to say he felt a physical/emotional connection with me, but this one particular fact about me is a dealbreaker. I must add, he's basically known most of this fact since the beginning of us emailing one another.

I was confused as hell. He even said he discussed this issue with his friends and that his friends love me and think he's being dumb.

I asked, "Do you have any other issues with us? Are you sure that's all?" There had to be something else - something he didn't like about me on the inside. Pretty sure he thinks I'm a hottie, so it can't be that. ;)

He came back with, "Well, I know you're not into sports like I am. That's something I really enjoy and is important to me."

Ridiculousness #2. What?? I have told him (and I have email proof), that I like going to live games (if I have a giant beer in my hand, it's a great time!) but don't root passionately for any teams in particular. I'm just happy to be there and don't care who wins the game. I told him that I'm a girl and there are going to be some differences in interests (such as shoe shopping), but that I'm happy to be involved in things he likes.

I just feel like now that he doesn't understand me. I'm a flexible and adaptable person. I'm willing to do a lot for a guy that I genuinely care about. I'm happy to compromise. The character flaw that came out in him over our conversation is that he doesn't like one of my particular interests, and he's not willing or ready or even ready to talk about compromise even part of the way over it, even though I would be. He knows so little about my belief in this issue - he just knows the surface - so I think he misunderstands. He says I deserve a guy who will like me for these things, but that he's having trouble with them.

What this phone call with him tells me is that he doesn't like me enough to overlook our small differences. That he is willing to throw me away because of a small thing he is scared of. Part of me thinks this warrants another conversation with him, to assure him we'd be okay, but the other part doesn't believe him - that this stupid little thing is just an excuse to avoid telling me why he really doesn't think we'll work.

Stupidly I'm going on other dates, trying to busy myself in conversation with other perfectly nice guys, but my mind won't get off of August. It's not even one of those "You want it because you can't have it" things - I was incredibly interested much before he started going cold. I'm stupidly waiting for him to call or text, telling me he was wrong and he misses me.

I know like with Paolo, I'd get over it eventually, but I just don't want to let August go. August said he wanted to be friends and see me still occasionally, but I just told him we'd be seeing about that.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know I don't have much to lose by being assertive and either
(a.) getting further closure from him so I can move on
or (b.) persuading him to have another conversation about our issues to clarify misunderstandings and try again.

But fellow readers, I graciously invite any of you to bring me back down to earth. How often has an invite to another conversation, or an invite to try again, lead to an actual relationship or marriage?


  1. Without knowing the details here, I'm incredibly frustrated with August on your behalf. Whatever the issues are, it sounds like he knows they are ridiculous, his friends know it, and you know it.

    My theory is this: if he really liked you, he would get past these things. So either he a) doesn't like you as much as originally thought (which I doubt) or b) there's more going on and he's talking himself out of something good on the premise of something silly. I would bet on the latter.

    Either way, I feel like you shouldn't have to talk someone into wanting to be with you. I've done it before, and the same things that caused them to pull away in the first place are the same things that cause it to end later.

    I read a quote today that fits here, so I'm going to share it: "If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

    And screw that friendship thing. It's a cop out. He can't have it both ways. He either needs to man up and go with his feelings of liking you or get out so you can move on!

  2. Pardon my French, but August is a jackass. I agree with Bluemoon that if he really liked you, he'd get past these things. The hard truth is everyone has dealbreakers, and some of these dealbreakers are absolutely absurd, but they exist.

    It sounds like August has a very specific set of qualifications for his future wife and isn't willing to budge, which is concerning. You've made it clear that you're gladly willing to be involved in things he likes but that isn't enough for him. That's alarming.

    Finally, and most importantly, I certainly hope you don't think you're inadequate because of your eating habits or the fact that you don't root for a specific sports team.

    My advice to you is to let him go, as hard as it is. He sounds inconsiderate, picky, inflexible, and immature. Do not be friends with him. It's not worth it if you have feelings for him. And why do you want to keep someone like that around?

  3. You ladies are both amazing! Thank you. I really needed to what both of you had to say, and what he refused to admit is something both of you brought up... That if he truly liked me he would get past the issue. He kept saying, "It's not that I don't like you, it's XX and YY facts." I truly believe honesty is the best. If someone doesn't have feelings for me, I want to hear it straight - closure is just really necessary sometimes. Totally don't want to hear copout excuses.

    And Bluemoon, I love your quote! Thanks again for sharing. I feel dumb for feeling like I would even try to persuade him to rethink his decision and "talk him into" staying with me. That's why it's good to write out these silly thoughts, so you can take a step back and laugh at them later. :)

    I hope his picky and inflexible nature will hit him hard one day when he realizes his poor decision-making skills.

    Blacklisting him in my mind and not contacting him...

  4. I agree with Bluemoon. I think deep down, we all know these things but we let emotions pile on top of the logic. It's good to be reminded of it here and there but it sucks to be in a situation where you need the reminding.

    Whoever this August is, hope you forget about him by..August (haha sorry coulnd't help myself!)