Thursday, October 24, 2013

Back on the market

I just stumbled on The Rules Revisited blog and, I must say, it's quite an absorbing read. I'm rethinking all these moments I've had with the better guys I've dated, and I'm seeing where I messed up. I'm wondering how I've even gotten so far with some of them, when I'm so far off many of these rules. I'm definitely an independent thinker, and won't bear "The Rules" as my personal dating Bible, but I could seriously stand to benefit from them. I initiate texts too much and initiate dates too much, and guys say yes - but it's more of a "Why not?" attitude than them genuinely feeling for me.

I've already been following the rules this week and haven't initiated a word to Blue. Now I notice that we're definitely talking less. I can feel him drifting away, but it's okay. Clinging to a guy who may never love me is just going to be messier later. I'm calling this one: Pretty sure, from how I'm feeling about things, that I've already seen him for the last time.

I can spot five zillion trillion things I did wrong with Peter, but that's okay too. I was telling a friend the other day that, I think underneath the show Peter puts on, he's as cold as a stone. And I don't want to end up with someone who doesn't have a heart.

So I went big and logged back into my dating profiles last night - put up new pictures and everything. It's been a whole three and a half months since I've been on the dating sites, which now I can definitely see was one of my mistakes. I'll miss what I had with Blue at the beginning of our story, but I'm excited for new stories and new boys men.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

All I want is time

Someone's been especially non-communicative with me lately - can you guess who? - and I was already pissed at him, so these things plus a certain few events have led me to cross him (Peter, if you didn't guess by now) off my list.

This is scary, because this leaves me with only one guy to focus on now. Ladies, let me tell you, it really is nice to have a couple of regular guys because then you obsess less over each one. I felt really chill, really good about things with Blue, but now that I have more brainpower to dedicate to thinking about him, bad things are popping up. Part of this was being disappointed by Peter recently, but even so, all week I've been an off-and-on tear factory over Blue.

Most weekends these past couple months I've been more focused on orchestrating outings and getting Peter to show up, and so I wasn't paying as much attention to Blue. Now that all my focus is on Blue, I keep getting upset that plans don't come together with him as easily as I want. It sucks that a lot of this is my fault. It's almost been four months for us now, so I feel like weekend time together should start to be a bit more of a given with him. I know it seems like all of a sudden I'm demanding extra time from him too.

I keep my crazy hidden pretty well (except from my roommate), but my overanalyzing is starting to make it public. At the beginning of the weekend I went kind of crazy on Blue. All over a text conversation, I was just trying to tell him how his actions were making me feel, but it came out in an accusatory way, so he got kind of defensive about it. And I was deeply disappointed. I'm looking for a guy who will acknowledge that I'm feeling bad - he'll tell me he's sorry and that he just wants me to be better again. But Blue just tried to defend and explain his actions and didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was upset.

I was a mess the rest of the night, cried myself to sleep over it, cried all the way to work the next day and home from work. I knew my weekend would go terrible and I'd take it out on my friends if I didn't resolve the issue with him. I tried to stop the waterworks and called him during my drive. I told him I was sorry about the night before and that I hoped I didn't make him mad. I could barely get any words out because I was trying so hard not to cry. We only talked for a couple minutes, but I got a semi-satisfactory answer from him. It was enough for me to feel back to normal and not the off-balance crazy teared up lady I'd been all week.

That evening I was having a night out with a mutual friend of Peter's. At this point, Peter had been basically MIA from my life for long enough that I didn't ever expect to hear from him. But then I get a phone call, and it's him. The bar was really loud, so I had to hang up on him without even hearing what he wanted. He could have been drunk, but usually drunkenness doesn't stop him from being MIA. I recently told other mutual friends that he's been a dumbass, and they think I'm cool (and "hot" according to one), so maybe they told him he's being a dumbass for not being better to me? And now my value has increased in his eyes? Who knows. I just know I'm done making the first move. Apparently that's what he's into though - girls who don't care about him.

Annnnyway...back to the more important guy. Unfortunately yet again today, Blue had another fuckup - the same type of issue that's been bothering me. I didn't get upset, but it makes me question things again. Sometimes you wonder how these amazing-seeming people can be single, but then you spend more time with them and quirks like these surface. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow but we'll see. I'm just sick of unreliable, disappointing dudes. Sometimes I feel like I could love him, but then something happens to make me doubt him. And then it repairs again, then breaks again. I don't want this cycle to keep continuing...