Sunday, October 13, 2013

All I want is time

Someone's been especially non-communicative with me lately - can you guess who? - and I was already pissed at him, so these things plus a certain few events have led me to cross him (Peter, if you didn't guess by now) off my list.

This is scary, because this leaves me with only one guy to focus on now. Ladies, let me tell you, it really is nice to have a couple of regular guys because then you obsess less over each one. I felt really chill, really good about things with Blue, but now that I have more brainpower to dedicate to thinking about him, bad things are popping up. Part of this was being disappointed by Peter recently, but even so, all week I've been an off-and-on tear factory over Blue.

Most weekends these past couple months I've been more focused on orchestrating outings and getting Peter to show up, and so I wasn't paying as much attention to Blue. Now that all my focus is on Blue, I keep getting upset that plans don't come together with him as easily as I want. It sucks that a lot of this is my fault. It's almost been four months for us now, so I feel like weekend time together should start to be a bit more of a given with him. I know it seems like all of a sudden I'm demanding extra time from him too.

I keep my crazy hidden pretty well (except from my roommate), but my overanalyzing is starting to make it public. At the beginning of the weekend I went kind of crazy on Blue. All over a text conversation, I was just trying to tell him how his actions were making me feel, but it came out in an accusatory way, so he got kind of defensive about it. And I was deeply disappointed. I'm looking for a guy who will acknowledge that I'm feeling bad - he'll tell me he's sorry and that he just wants me to be better again. But Blue just tried to defend and explain his actions and didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was upset.

I was a mess the rest of the night, cried myself to sleep over it, cried all the way to work the next day and home from work. I knew my weekend would go terrible and I'd take it out on my friends if I didn't resolve the issue with him. I tried to stop the waterworks and called him during my drive. I told him I was sorry about the night before and that I hoped I didn't make him mad. I could barely get any words out because I was trying so hard not to cry. We only talked for a couple minutes, but I got a semi-satisfactory answer from him. It was enough for me to feel back to normal and not the off-balance crazy teared up lady I'd been all week.

That evening I was having a night out with a mutual friend of Peter's. At this point, Peter had been basically MIA from my life for long enough that I didn't ever expect to hear from him. But then I get a phone call, and it's him. The bar was really loud, so I had to hang up on him without even hearing what he wanted. He could have been drunk, but usually drunkenness doesn't stop him from being MIA. I recently told other mutual friends that he's been a dumbass, and they think I'm cool (and "hot" according to one), so maybe they told him he's being a dumbass for not being better to me? And now my value has increased in his eyes? Who knows. I just know I'm done making the first move. Apparently that's what he's into though - girls who don't care about him.

Annnnyway...back to the more important guy. Unfortunately yet again today, Blue had another fuckup - the same type of issue that's been bothering me. I didn't get upset, but it makes me question things again. Sometimes you wonder how these amazing-seeming people can be single, but then you spend more time with them and quirks like these surface. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow but we'll see. I'm just sick of unreliable, disappointing dudes. Sometimes I feel like I could love him, but then something happens to make me doubt him. And then it repairs again, then breaks again. I don't want this cycle to keep continuing...


  1. What exactly is the issue with Blue in terms of reliability? Does he not plan dates? Is he "out of sight, out of mind" with you? Does he hit you up last minute? Are you doing all the initiating and planning?

    With behavior like that, it's really hard not to get disappointed when a guy doesn't follow through. But you really do have to 'train' the guy - don't accept last-minute dates, and if gives you a wishy washy answer about hanging out, make other plans. If you're always initiating, lean back a little and let him come to you.

    Does Blue know about Peter?

  2. P.S. boys that make you cry like that are bad news! I know you like Blue, but crying is not good :(

  3. Hey Sabrina, I was trying not to be too specific because I'm always worried someone I know will find my blog and know it's me. I know it's not likely though...

    To answer your question, sometimes Blue initiates dates but it seems like lately I'm the one more actively trying to see him. Recently, if we don't already have plans, I'll ask what he's up to during the weekend, and he doesn't take that initiative and try to make plans ahead of time. He told me he was going to a friend's birthday thing recently, and so since he didn't invite me along I made other plans and bought a concert ticket. Then, right before the concert starts, he tells me they're at bars now and I should come out. So I said, ok, I'll leave the concert early if I can and come out and join you guys. I tried to make specific plans about when I'd meet him, but then he doesn't text/call me back again for hours, until I'm already pissed at him and at home and the bars are frustrating.

    Another instance, he went to a wedding and drank a lot, knowing we had plans the next afternoon. He tells me he feels terrible the day we have plans and pushes them to the next day (which he knows will be a busy workday). Then he had to work late so he pushed our plans to the next day. Things like that.

    I talked to him about it, about how his actions make it seem like he doesn't care either way if he sees me or not. And he's like, "Oh, well I wasn't trying to make it seem that way, I didn't mean that, and I did want to see you." He makes it seem simple and like I'm overthinking things, but when I do see him, this past behavior colors how I act around him and how I feel. It makes things different. :(

    When I'm with him though, he's a great guy and treats me really well. It's annoying though, because as I spend more time not with him, he starts to piss me off.

    1. And he doesn't know about Peter, but I see Blue still logs into his dating profile occasionally. Since he's not my boyfriend, I allow myself to do what I want!

      Thanks for your advice, btw. I will definitely have to train him. I have just been nicer to him lately because I used to blow him off a lot because I wanted to see Peter.... Bad M!!

    2. Blue reminds me so much of my first-ever boyfriend (at age 25, late bloomer!). After a few weeks, I was chasing him. Not chasing, per se, but I was initiating weekend plans because I felt like "we're dating, shouldn't we hang out at least one weekend night?"

      He wasn't good with logistics so I'd make my own plans and then he'd ask me to hang out last minute so I had to scramble to accommodate him. I was so terrified I wouldn't get to see him otherwise. Plus, he seemed way less concerned than I was that we wouldn't get to meet up.

      In the end, he had the gall to tell me I was "smothering" him. Meanwhile, he was neglecting me! It was my first exposure to "he's just not that into you." Think of it this way: Blue should be terrified he's not going to see you if he doesn't initiate more. If he doesn't seem to think about you when you're not around or you're not initiating, you're the one feeling terrible and anxious. And he shouldn't make you feel bad for wanting to see him.

      You leaving a concert early to meet him is baaaad!! :)

    3. I can see your point. The situation with your first BF sounds quite similar. I totally have that feeling that I'm scared I won't get to see him - guess I need to turn it around on him. What I'm hung up on is that the longer I know him, I feel like I should care less about playing games and just say what I want to say - and that since it has been a while, it's ok to let him know I want to see him. I guess I thought eventually it's ok to be vulnerable - it's so annoying to have to continue playing games because otherwise they feel "smothered."

      It's still like guys and girls are on unequal playing fields - it's ok for him to suggest he's interested, but as soon as I act as if I am, he acts differently.

    4. It's so hard to figure out what's vulnerable and what's nagging. I don't know if I've figured it out. But I think that when you lead with how you feel, rather than something he's done wrong, it's more vulnerable.

      As painfully difficult as it is, you have to lean back right now. You have to let him come to you. You're making it easy for him right now, which is why he doesn't value you. I'm speaking from my own experience of course, but based on what you said, it sounds like you're putting way more into this than he is right now.