Intrigue, intellect

I can hardly believe it, but the show is still on for the younger man and me. Despite not having the most "proper" beginning, I expected our first date would be a lot of fun; fun it most certainly was. I think there is something special here. I'm intrigued. I was out of town, playing in the snow this past week, but that tone of excitement lingered through the days following our date. Now that I'm back, we are going out again later this weekend. He is also officially a year older now, so that means I'm officially only robbing the cradle by three years.

I can have fun with Blue, but I'm ready to end it. We had another date that was fun and almost changed my mind, but then, a couple days after my date with the younger man, I went day drinking with Blue, a few coupled friends of his, and some of his family friends. I wanted to see how he interacted with them to really gauge the accuracy of my recent assessment of him. I think what's missing this time, even more so than the confidence issue, is the kind of intelligence I look for. That great, deep conversation does not seem like it will ever be there, and I'm starting to see more of a lack of common sense and general smarts/intellect. I suppose that when I dated Blue two years ago, yet kept gravitating towards/chasing Peter instead, that's what should have tipped me off that something major was missing with Blue. I sensed it at the beginning this time around too - that something was missing - because, again, I was very interested in other guys on the side. Alone, he has never felt like enough.

Being out of town this past week helped me start to pull away and distance myself from Blue. I would feel terrible disappearing without saying anything, because he has been very sweet, attentive, and chivalrous this time around. Instead I'm being less responsive, hoping he will either get the hint or call me out until I am forced to tell him I don't want to see him anymore.

Cougar-to-be?

I saw Sam at one of our school happy hours. Since he popped back up on my radar, he comes up to talk to me every time he sees me. This time, the female classmate was present too. I knew she would be there, so I was curious to see how he would handle a situation where the two of us girls were both at the same event as him. Clearly he knows he's being bad by talking to me: he didn't come up to talk to me once at this happy hour. He did, however, stand in the same small circle as female classmate several times at the event. Ugggh. He really is being loyal. I was hoping I could win this one or that he would drop her soon, and he's not. Again, it gives me more respect for him that he's loyal, but I'm annoyed at the same time.

I thought Ted was about to ask me out again, but nope. Lately we only talk every few days. The fact that he's not desperate increases his value in my eyes, although I wish he would show a little more interest. Maybe things will heat up with us soon. We always go out in the same areas on the weekend, so I hope the next time I catch up with him is on a date and not by running into him at a bar. He's still my favorite Tinder match ever. I keep hoping someone will pop up on the dating apps who is cuter than Ted, but nope. He is exactly my type.

So my birthday was recently, and now I'm noticing that the guys on the dating apps who are cutest in my eyes are a year or two younger than me. Oh no! Am I destined to be a cougar? At the bar this weekend, a guy started talking to me who was clearly younger than me, but I thought he was attractive. After a few minutes, it came out that he is four years younger! He said his birthday is this week though, so technically he's only three years younger...and I accidentally brought him home with me. Oops. The most hilarious part of this is that today he confirmed that we are actually going on a date. He wants to go to this really nice cocktail bar, too. He's fun to talk to so it should be fine. I doubt anything will come of this, but I do know I will not be bringing him home this time.

And then there's Blue. It's crazy how so much can change in two years. I was really happy that he was interested, serious about me, and taking me to nice places; I am also seeing him differently than I used to. I don't know if I didn't pick up on it back then, because I was less secure about myself, but Blue seems to be lacking confidence this time around. It makes me less attracted to him. I think part of it is confidence and part of it is that he doesn't seem to have much going on in his life that makes him excited and keeps him busy. His usual single guy buddy now has a girlfriend that he spends all his time with, leaving Blue without plans more often. We've gone out four times now, so I'm getting a good sense of how things might be with him. I'm going to at least see him once more, but I actually am not optimistic that things are going to pan out with us after all.

I told a girl friend that I needed her help assessing Blue, so I brought Blue out with my friend and her boyfriend. They confirmed a few of the things I mentioned above. Also, the last time I dated Blue, when I would introduce him to people, it was so attractive how social he was and how well he got along with everyone. This time, he didn't have much to say. I've heard people describe before that they are attracted to people who seem as if they are "bottomless" - people who have a lot of depth, opinions, people who you feel as if you could talk to forever and there would still be more to discover. I'm not sure I feel this way about Blue. All I know is I'm not going to let myself be taken on another long ride with someone I'm not crazy about.

Speaking of Formerly-Dreamy - he was at my gym this weekend. I was annoyed; he lives right by a different gym that is part of the same fitness chain. He knows which one is "my" gym, too, yet he showed up there anyway. It was extremely awkward seeing him, but at least I knew what to expect: he had told me that after he has a breakup, he does not want to speak to that girl ever again. Fine by me, especially in his case. Obnoxiously, he kept walking by the bike that I was obviously camped out on. I still did not think he was attractive. I was at least pleased that I happened to look on point that day. Eat your heart out, Dreamy.

The plot thickens

Sometimes close analysis of a guy's words and actions is actually helpful. This is one of those times. After having several flirtatious conversations with Sam this week, yet not hearing from him outside of school, I began to try and piece things together. What was going on? Why was he taking so long to concretely ask me out?

Then I realized that he actually hadn't suggested getting drinks again since the first time we talked in the hallway at school. The day after the cocktail event this weekend, I spotted a photo of several of my classmates on my Facebook feed. I almost kept scrolling right through, when I realized I had seen a tall guy with black hair in the background. I zoomed in on the photo, and it was him. It was Sam. And the female classmate was sitting right next to him, less than 24 hours after I had realized I did feel a connection with him.

It didn't take too much longer for it to occur to me: what if "Why didn't I ask you out before?" really meant, "Why didn't I ask you out before I started going on dates with female classmate?"

Oh.

So just like that, I put it together. He's fine flirting in person if our classmate isn't around, but he doesn't follow through because he knows that a date with me could possibly mean big trouble for him with this other girl. I admire and respect that he's being loyal to her. He seems like a player by the way he flirts, but if he doesn't follow through, at least that means he sticks with his girl. While I'm fine with dating several people at once, he's older, so maybe he has a different view on that. Or, maybe he would normally be fine with dating multiple people, but in this case, with dating two girls in the same business school class, there is a high likelihood they (i.e., we) would find out about each other quite quickly.

I'm sad all that excitement was probably for nothing. I doubt I'll see the guy much until 2016, because I won't be at school much for the rest of the year. I can hope that Sam and this girl will fizzle out by the time 2016 rolls around; she's definitely not the most attractive person, but she has a good personality going for her. I don't know though, part of me thinks I won't be single anymore by the time next semester begins.

And that brings me to my date with Blue last night. It was pretty amazing. He took me to a really nice restaurant, and things were just so easy with us. Talking to him was effortless, he looked great, he acted really interested, and I think he's ready for a girlfriend. He lives with his best friend, who has had a girlfriend for a while now, and I think this - plus the fact that he's two years more mature since the last time we dated - means he's on the prowl for something stable now too. Also, unlike Sam, lately Blue has been asking me out frequently. At the end of our date last night, he wanted to make plans for the same day he gets back in town from visiting his family for Thanksgiving.

So while I was disappointed to have this epiphany about Sam, I'm not going to let it stop me from being excited about Blue. It's nice to have an extremely gorgeous, fun guy express interest and try to be a regular part of my life (ahem, unlike Sam and Ted right now).

Stepping it up?

Blue finally asked me out to dinner last week. I hadn't seen him since Halloween weekend, so I was wondering what had taken him so long! We went out for wine and tapas and had a nice conversation. Our texts had been really cautious, so seeing each other made things easier; we could catch up properly without being afraid of asking certain questions.

He gave me a hug goodbye after dinner, and it surprised me a little when he said he would like to go out again, if I wasn't opposed to it. I'm not sure if he thought I might be opposed to it because he thought he had hurt me the way things ended last time or because he had thought I wasn't interested since I let him go when he stopped trying. I agreed, but my expectations are in check this time. I'm not even sure if he's the right guy for me; I am relieved that I find myself thinking about this realistically.

He asked me out for drinks on Friday, but I had plans and had to decline. The next time he texted me it was pretty confusing - he seemed almost afraid to ask. He asked if I was seeing anyone else and if we could go on a date. I thought our tapas night was a date? I guess it wasn't clear to him, and he wanted to define it. I agreed to a date, so we are going out tomorrow night.

Ted has been texting me daily, but I haven't seen him again. I would love to see him before Thanksgiving, but it looks like that won't happen. It took three months of Tinder messaging for him to finally ask me out, so I hope that's not how long I would have to wait around for for a second date.

I matched with a guy on Hinge who just started in my graduate program, Sam. We ran into each other at school for the first time a few weeks ago. He said he had seen me around school before. I had never noticed him before, though. I've mentioned it in previous posts, but I avoid eye contact with hot-looking guys when I walk by one; so it's likely we passed each other previously and I just never gave him a good look.

From our first conversation in the hallway, I thought there was chemistry. He asked if I wanted to get a drink with him soon, and I agreed, but he never followed up. I kind of got embarrassed by this and started avoiding him at school. This weekend, we had a school cocktail event, and a few hours prior to the event, a friend told me that Sam had recently been "hanging out" with one of our female classmates. I was surprised, since I had never thought of her as competition. It made me feel really awkward about potentially seeing Sam at the event.

Of course he was there. Again, I avoided him almost the entire time. At least the female classmate wasn't there. While I was at the bar, another new male student started chatting me up, and we talked for a while. At one point, Sam came up right next to me, so we finally greeted each other and quickly exchanged a few words. When this other kid started trying to dance with me, I made it clear I wasn't interested, and he left me alone. A little later, Sam finally came out to the dance floor, headed directly for me with a very seductive look in his eye. He has this look every time I see him.

We danced and talked for a while. There was a lot of chemistry. And then he asked me why I was so "weird" in the hall when we first met. I was shocked by this and asked what he meant, and eventually he admitted that it seemed like I wasn't interested. I had no idea I was acting that way in that moment. He also told me I had given him a death glare in the hallway the time after that, which I also had no idea I was doing. Oops. I told him I obviously couldn't control my face and that I hadn't meant it. Our whole conversation was really playful. It was so entertaining talking to him - it was like being around him magically gave me more energy. He's a smooth guy, I admit, but near the end of our conversation, he was like, "Why didn't I ask you out before?" I told him I didn't know - that was his problem.

I saw him in school again this morning, and it was really nice talking to him for just a few minutes. I am crushing hard right now. We're both staying in town for Thanksgiving, so I hope he actually asks me out instead of vaguely asking me out like he has several times now. Even if he turns out to be one of those charismatic, player-type guys, I think I would thoroughly enjoy spending a few hours out with him.

This Sam thing makes me wonder though: every time that things appear to get normal with Blue, why does another shiny object pop up and distract me?

Apparently I'm an expert at running into this guy

I don't go to clubs much these days, but that doesn't mean I'm getting more mature. Business school, limited responsibilities, and my single status mean that I'm back to acting like a younger version of myself. A couple of girl friends invited me to a club this weekend to see a DJ play, and I jumped on it, recalling the good times back from my club days. We danced a bunch, we laughed at some hipster guy's intentionally ridiculous (but hilarious) dance moves. I stood outside the men's room as my girl friends ran in, one of them shouting that she was using the urinal. Ridiculous and so inappropriate but I wouldn't trade it.

Eventually we decided to change the scenery and Uber back to our usual hangout spot, a cluster of dive bars. Continuing their silly behavior, my girl friends danced ridiculously through the bar as we searched for a spot to park ourselves. That's when my gaze zeroed in on Chase. Of course he was there, and this time it had nothing to do with my roomie's orchestration. Chase was buying his drink and didn't see me, so I stuck my rear out and ass-butted him as a greeting. Lee was there too and gave me a hug. Lee immediately wanted to start chatting with me about my two friends. They were still being silly and he was like, "Where did you meet these girls?! They look like so much fun!"

Compared to Lee, Chase remained fairly distant, and at some point I realized Chase was there with another girl. I hadn't talked to Chase since Halloween, when I texted him a picture of Lee dressed up as a girl. Chase's new arm candy was boring-looking in my opinion but wasn't unattractive. She looked a little like me (but while it's catty and immature, she was frankly dressed like a slob).

Lately my sentiment about Chase was that I loved our good times and the way he made me feel, but he had eventually bored me, partly from his inaction and partly because he stopped making me feel the way he initially made me feel. Lately my sentiment was that I still liked him as a person and that I might be friends with him at some point in the future because he was a fun drinking buddy. Yet seeing him that night, seeing him with another girl, made me loathe him in that moment. I kind of still feel that way.

I didn't think of it at the time, but later, for a few moments, I wished I had made out with Lee in front of Chase, just to spite him. I know my history with Lee was something that bothered Chase, and I wanted Chase to feel bothered. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't do this or think of this at the time - it would be a new low of immaturity. I know I like a couple of my current options better than Chase, but still, seeing him with someone new got to me. And I was surprised it got to me. I thought I had mostly moved on and didn't care much about what Chase has been up to. I think the part that bothers me is knowing that he has moved on, knowing that he is putting some level of effort into another girl, which frankly he never did with me. With us, from his end, it was mostly accidental and convenience.

Thankfully, in addition to running into Chase at the bar, a bunch of our other girl friends were already there. I had so much fun with them that night and didn't let seeing Chase get me down. I don't even know why I felt like writing this - probably partially to clear my mind of the nagging thought of him on that night. I guess this is what closes the book on the Chase story.

My human teddy bear

Sometimes a guy totally surprises me, in that my initial intuitions were all wrong about him. Last week, Ted asked me on a real date - dinner and drinks. I couldn't believe it - a dinner date request from the guy who I thought I would only see out at the bar.

Based on his texts and the fact that he is an engineer, I expected him to be quiet and possibly awkward. Additionally, the only time I had seen him in person before this date was at a bar, when he was in his Halloween costume (which was fairly concealing), so I was looking forward to seeing him in regular clothes to assess his normal appearance.

Ted and I went out a couple of nights ago. I was relieved to see that, in his normal dress, he looked just like his pictures - he was really cute. (I call him Ted because he reminds me of a blond, human teddy bear. Awww.)

Also, I wasn't expecting him to be so chatty. He was a great conversationalist, and we had a lot in common in terms of lifestyle and things we like to do for fun. He wasn't awkward in the least. I must have smiled for the entire date.

We had only been communicating on the apps and hadn't exchanged numbers prior to the date. He didn't kiss me, so I headed home knowing I had a great time but unsure of his thoughts towards me. It seemed like he could have a decent time with almost any girl.

A little while after I had arrived back home, a message from Ted came in through the app. He said he had enjoyed his time with me and asked for my phone number, because he had forgotten to in person. The combination of items in his message made me feel a little giddy - they hit on exactly what I had wanted to hear. Furthermore, I was extremely impressed with him that he asked for my number. Since my last relationship, every single phone number exchange I've had via the dating apps has been the guy giving his number instead of asking for mine - annoying but a fact of life these days.

I also thought he could be a fratty player, but he was a gentleman the entire date - through his words and his actions. I'm excited about the fact that this is a guy I could have real dates with but who also goes to the same bars as my friends and me.

And what about Blue, you may be wondering? Well, he has vaguely asked me out (no time or date requested) and also requested that I take him "sometime" to this bar I've been telling him about. Our texts are pretty boring right now. I know I'm trying to take it slow and not assume anything, so my texts are very cautious - and I can sense the same thing from his. I read some of our texts from two years ago on my old phone, and it was definitely the old me back then: it seems like I asked him out a lot of the time. I'm not doing that this time, and I'm perfectly fine with waiting around for him to make a move. It's nice to feel content whether he is in my life or not.

Boys, boys, boys

Maybe my blog should be called Boys, Boys, Boys. My posts are full of them! Well, let's cut to the chase (look at that pun!) - my date a couple Fridays ago. I went on a date with a teacher (who has the same name as Chase in real life). He looked so cute in his pictures and we had had great text conversations, but he looked totally different in person. Within the first few words out of his mouth, I knew I wasn't attracted. I tried to be lively and fake it throughout our interaction, but I was definitely forcing it. We had a pretty good conversation and I continued to text him afterwards, but he has been clingy-ish and texting too much; I have decided I'm not going to give him another chance because I have started to feel irritated hearing from him. Not a good sign.

I have been talking to a guy since August (!!) on Tinder, and since we have connected on another dating app too. He is the one who has never asked me out. We'll call him Ted. Well, we ran into each other in a bar on Friday, which meant we were both in Halloween costumes. Mine that night happened to involve a bikini top, so secret's out - now he knows how small my boobs are. Ha. Also, one of his friends immediately shouted out the names of the two dating apps right after Ted and I greeted each other. I'm wondering how his friend knew!? Ted must have been talking about me beforehand, which amuses me. I talked to Ted for a couple minutes and then went back to my friends. He ended up messaging me a few times the next day, but who knows if we'll ever actually meet up on purpose. Seems like another late-night-bar-hangout-only guy in the making. I want to see him again though, in normal clothes this time, to do a better physical assessment. ;)

The biggest news of all is that I ran into Blue on Friday as well, in a Halloween store. Yes, Blue, from two years ago! I tend not to make eye contact with potentially hot-looking guys I spot in public, and I saw a guy out of the corner of my eye talking on the phone. I didn't recognize him. He ended his phone call and came up to me after I walked to the next aisle over. He introduced himself, because I hadn't recognized him - he was one of the last people I would expect to see out somewhere. Blue looked unbelievably gorgeous. His hair was different - it almost looked a little red (and he insisted he didn't dye it).

He is the one who seemed to lose interest and stopped trying to make plans, so it was weird that he genuinely seemed interested in catching up right there in the Halloween store. What's more is that he also wanted to meet up on Halloween. I hadn't done my hair and was in my gym clothes, pre-workout, but I could tell he was interested. I was flattered. Right there, all of those old feelings came back from when we were first dating.

So, Blue has been texting me again. I am very curious to see what comes of this!

Oh goodness, there's more

Surprise! After weeks and weeks and weeks, Chase and I finally had another accidental run-in. On our way out towards uptown, my roomie mentioned that we were going to stop at Lee's (Chase's friend's) house to pick Lee up. Once we hopped over to the second bar of the night, in walks Chase. I would have loved to see my facial expression - I know it was a mix of fake annoyance, real annoyance, and shock. We greeted each other with a hug and then swiftly began avoiding each other, keeping on opposite sides of the group. Neither of us had been trying to talk to each other since our last conversation, so I think neither of us was sure what the other was thinking.

At the next bar, we started acting a little more cordial towards each other, and at one point when it was just us two talking, I mentioned something funny (but kind of bad) that had happened to me. He was like, "I have to hear the story behind this!" and we went outside and talked a little more. He started holding my hand as we would walk through the crowds, and finally, this was a night where he didn't drink too much but was still having fun.

At the end of the night, my roomie and I got into a cab with Lee and Chase, and there was a lot of debate about where we'd be going. Chase ended up winning, telling the driver that he wanted to be dropped off at his apartment. I was a little disappointed, because even though I knew things were kind of over between us, I still hadn't gotten a kiss - and he is so good at it so I really missed that. I was also disappointed because he had never invited me over before, and it seemed like he wanted to keep it that way.

When we pulled up to the apartment, Chase got out, and Lee gave me a nudge and a couple words hinting that I should get out of the car too. "Should I really get out?" I whispered, and Lee replied, "YES!"

I got out of the car and told Chase that Lee had practically pushed me out of the car and said I wasn't allowed to come with them. To my delight, Chase didn't look bothered one bit. He just said, "Okay!" It was nice - I was worried he would tell me he was tired or make some excuse why he didn't want me to come in with him. I'm not sure if he was surprised or not that I was coming home with him, because he brought up that he'd seen another guy in the group talking to me earlier that night and thought something was going on with us. It made me giggle that he'd noticed and that he didn't know how much of a weakness I had had for him (Chase).

I also had wanted to come over for forever because I hadn't met his dog yet (who ended up being so sweet and adorable!). We took the dog for a walk and then, back inside, proceeded to do good but bad things.

I don't regret it. It was good, and I had a lot of fun. Now that I know what to expect from our communications (i.e., little to nothing), it makes things much easier for me. The next day, I was left with the feeling that I kind of got what I wanted - it was almost closure, even, around all the hopes I had had about him previously. I wouldn't mind more makeouts or fun nights with him, but I was so worried, and even mad at Lee, about Chase not wanting me because of a past hookup with Lee. Now that I know that wasn't the issue, it makes me feel like a lot of the reasons behind Chase's inaction were not about me.

The other reason I am at peace with all things Chase is because I'm talking to someone new - someone who is extremely good-looking, kind, and most of all, who wants to communicate with me. The funny thing is he has the same name (in real life) as Chase (which is an alias). I matched with this new guy on two different dating apps, and I will meet him for real this Friday. Sometimes I hate texting, but I've had so much fun messaging with this new guy - and if both the attraction and communication are there are in real life as well, this date could go very well. More soon!

Conflicting dating theories

Regarding the Chase saga: I last left off when I was upset and agonized over hoping I'd hear from him on a Friday night. Thank goodness I had fun plans with friends the next night to take my mind off of him and my disappointment. Unfortunately, a very wise guy friend was present, who offered to compose a "chill" text message for me telling Chase which area of town we were hitting up that night and inviting him to join.

Chase wrote back shortly afterwards to say he was currently at a bar a couple miles away. I wasn't sure what to say, since he obviously had already set up shop with friends there, but I wasn't about to go ditch my plans to go running to him, especially since he wasn't exactly down the street. Drunken decisions again got the best of me, when I allowed another girl to convince me to tell him I was at X bar and that he should come dance with me. I heard nothing for a while, and then he asked if I was going to dance with him. At this point, his spelling was off, and I could see a little bit of drunk text syndrome taking over.

Since I'd already been out with my friends for most of the night and they wanted to go home soon, they told me it would be permissible for me to go meet him. Only thing was, Mr. Chase was too far gone to text me coherently anymore. He called me to ask what the plan was, and since I was on my way home and my phone was about to die, I told him he could come over (bad M!), and he agreed to the plan. (He has slept over a couple times before but was well-behaved, if you know what I mean.) I knew it was bad to do this, but I just wanted to see him. He called again right before I got home to say he was stopping at his place then coming over, but combined with his state at that point in the night, this stop at home meant he was unlikely to actually make it to my place. I hoped he would, but he didn't show.

He texted me a couple times that week, and I'm quite certain he doesn't remember talking on the phone that night. The text conversations were really short. I wasn't sure why he was reaching out if he didn't want to talk that much or suggest that we see each other. He did ask if I was going to a festival the next weekend, which didn't end up working out on my end. Even though he didn't end up going either, he didn't suggest seeing each other otherwise.

Admittedly it does bother me that he acts like, and says, he really likes me when he's drinking, and then barely acknowledges I exist when he's sober. I don't need someone like that. I'm too old for that. But I still had feelings for him, and this is where two different arguments come up against each other. One side says that guys can be shy and that they won't ask girls out, even ones they really like; the girl has to make it abundantly clear that it would be well-received, or she has to do the asking herself. Part of me was trying to convince myself he might be one of those guys, but he asked me out perfectly fine for this event downtown. This side of thinking, inspired by this podcast, says guys like girls that aren't passive and who take some initiative with guys - that it's okay to let a guy think you might like him.

The other voice, the other side of the argument, says that if he likes me enough, he will make things happen between us; if he isn't making his interest clear to me and asking me out, then there is no genuine interest.

At this point, the second argument is winning. I'm not trying to talk to him, I'm not thinking about him as much, and I'm trying to talk to and date other guys again. I really am getting over him pretty well, but I just thought I'd update you all on where the story has settled. ;) My goal is to start getting excited about a couple of other guys so that when Chase resurfaces, I'm in a really great place instead of being overeager and still pining. My roomie has been the one to coordinate all the groups that have led to Chase and I running into each other, but she's been traveling a lot lately; as a result, I haven't run into him by accident since the last time she schemed for Chase and I to meet. Chase and I also go to school together but are on opposite schedules and haven't run into each other there yet. I'm sure I'll see him one way or another soon, but if he's not trying to text me or call me or make plans, I would much rather just talk to him the next time I see in person rather than plot my next "accidental" meeting or use my energy trying to craft the perfect texts. In person is just easier.

Part of me wishes I hadn't ever met Chase, even though I really and truly adored him. I was in this awesome headspace before him, this "look at my badass, single, party-filled life" mentality, and was just so excited about possibilities, about being free of Dreamy, about having a post-MBA job offer already signed. I'm trying to get that back. I hate that meeting him and being disappointed by him took it away and made me start to doubt myself.

In other news, I've been pretty good at spotting red flags with new (dating app) guys. There is one who was demanding about me switching over from the app to texting/giving him my phone number, who brought up the word "sleepover" within the first few texts, and who sends a bunch of texts and questions before I've responded to the first. RED FLAGS. Irritating. He is asking if we're still going out now, to which I greeted with silence. Responding, "Sorry, I just don't think we're a match," is going to lead to more questions, more texts, and probably insults - so I'm going to keep silent on this one. I just wish he would get it - spelling this type of thing out is not going to be pretty.

Cross your fingers for me, please!

Not ready

The last setting I described with Chase was nothing short of bliss. That feeling kept with me throughout the week, heart practically bursting. We hadn't planned anything for the following Friday, but my roommate kind of schemed so that Chase and I ended up out together in the same group again. We were both surprised to see each other there, but it shouldn't have been as surprising as we took it since it's the same people with us almost every time. I was a little offended he hadn't reached out to me personally, but since his guy friend (best friend), Lee, had told me once that Chase was shy, I gave him a pass. We were happy to see each other, and we essentially had a repeat night of wonderfulness.

A few drinks in, I was given the piece of information I needed to understand why Chase hadn't contacted me that night. Earlier that night, Lee told Chase that things had happened between Lee and I earlier in the year. I was shocked both at Chase's honesty for telling me that he knew as well as at the fact that Lee told him. I literally almost started to cry on the spot, saying, "That makes me really upset." I felt like Lee was trying to come between Chase and I, and what happened with Lee didn't mean anything - we've never been interested in each other for real. Chase said it made him uncomfortable but that he was glad that he knew. In a way, I was relieved too, so that I didn't have to hide it from him; yet I didn't want it to change anything between us. I told him that he has to know that what he and I have is nothing like what was between Lee and me. Chase said he knew that. We talked through it a little more. Chase said, still, I really like you. I know we were drinking, but he ended up telling me he loved me several times that night. I didn't say it back because I wanted to take it with a grain of salt, and I didn't want to embarrass him by taking it too seriously when I wasn't sure how he meant it. It's crazy to think about though, because I was really feeling those feelings too. I just kept telling him back that he is a sweetheart. We managed to have another amazing night. I remember telling him that I was so happy, and he said, me too.

We hadn't texted during the week, but we were going back and forth on Saturday after he went home. It was mostly about nothing, but silly me, remembering Lee's comment that Chase was shy, dropped my normal MO and decided to go for it, asking what he was doing that night. His slowness to respond immediately filled me with dread. We had stayed up way, way, too late, so I knew that sleeping explained some of the delay, but when I kept hearing back from him, that anxious feeling wouldn't go away. He ended picking me up pretty late and we went out to meet Lee and some others. I felt so awkward (plus sober) and closed off, though; even though we ended up out together, the way he responded still made me feel rejected. We had good conversations that night, but it was different. I was distant, and we were more quiet than normal. We weren't as affectionate because we had already discussed that Lee was super annoyed at us about that so we were going to be good. I knew Chase had morning plans with his family but tried not to be disappointed when he didn't come inside after taking me home at the end of the night.

As this week went on, the feeling of dread kept growing. When we were with each other, he had been asking me a lot about going to a concert this weekend, but neither of us had tickets at the times we discussed it. I was hoping that maybe it would come up last minute and that would mean we'd be spending a lot of weekend time together, but he never got in touch this week to confirm it or talk about it again. I should have just said yes right then instead of being vague about going, so that we would have already had plans.

I didn't want to feel that terrible anxious feeling of possibly being rejected or not received warmly, so I haven't reached out to him again. Still, I've felt so heartsick and lonely not hearing from him. I hate that it has been killing me even though I've only known him a month.

I went out last night to a school event and didn't know Lee would be there. I had a few drinks and then confronted Lee about what the heck was going on with his BFF Chase - that I hadn't heard from him since last weekend. Lee told me that Chase likes me, to calm down, that Chase is in school and working at the same time so he's been busy. But things really started to come together when Lee said, he probably shouldn't be mentioning this to me, but Chase just had his heart ripped apart by some other girl. I've looked at Chase's pictures so I knew exactly who the bitch was, but I think it's been a couple months now, if not more. Lee said he thinks that Chase is not ready to be in a relationship again but acknowledges that he does fall fast. He said that if I want a relationship, then I probably am just going to have to wait around for him for a little bit.

The more time I've had to process it, the more at ease I feel about it:  at least not talking to me is not an outright rejection of me - it could be that he's just still thinking about this other girl. That still sucks, but I keep telling myself that if I am better than her, more charming, more put together, more in shape, then I'll win him over (silly, I know); at the same time, I don't want to be the kind of girl that waits around for a guy. But again, I didn't develop feelings during my last relationship, so maybe someone I have strong feelings for is worth holding out for. I don't know. I stopped seeing/talking to other guys since Chase and I last talked about that topic, but now I don't know if I should feel dumb for doing that. What keeps going through my mind too is that all of our heart-to-hearts have been after several drinks. How much of this is real? When he was with me in those amazing times, it didn't seem like another girl was ever on his mind. At the same time, I may still have nothing to have inner debates about, nothing to wait around for, because Friday night is almost over and I still haven't heard from the guy. I'm so confused. I don't want to be the one to initiate contact first, and I don't see how Chase could turn off the switch, and go from hot to cold, this fast. I just can't swallow that this might be over already.

Having real feelings for someone is no fun sometimes.

Nope, he blew up

Remember the guy from Tinder who cannot stop texting? Last week I mentioned that he demanded I call him after I stopped returning his texts. Well, there are new developments. Yesterday, he demanded that I "communicate with him" because he needs to know "what's going on with us." Apparently it's not obvious that nothing is going on with us.

I told a group of friends about him and that he's a braggy guy, but furthermore, I don't feel bad about calling it off because of his date game. Not that it's about what a guy buys me, but he was telling me alllll about how he doubled his salary with his last career move; nevertheless, the first date was a coffee date (i.e., he only bought me coffee) and on the second date, we split the check at dinner (he couldn't even treat a girl who is a student to dinner). So he has literally invested almost nothing in this "relationship."

Given this information, I asked the group whether or not I should respond to his demands, and their overwhelming response was that I don't owe him anything (exactly what I was thinking) and that I should BLOCK him instead. So I blocked him on my phone. He doesn't have the social intelligence to interpret silence and subtleties like canceling a date, and if I was more explicit about not being interested, I thought he would a.) be offended and lash out or b.) try to argue with me about what he thinks my feelings really are.

Unfortunately, my MacBook also receives my text messages, and it didn't get the memo to block the dude. So now I see the additional texts that he's sent, and now he's outright name-calling. I think I might finally have him blocked for real, but these new messages make me upset. I just want nothing to do with him or his messages. At least I'm proud of myself for having my red-flag radar on point post-Dreamy.

Something new

After my reunion with Chase, I mentioned I saw him the next night. What I didn't mention was that it was a much tamer evening - barely affectionate, and he only stayed out with our friends for a couple hours. He dropped me off at home in a cab and then went his own way, and I began to wonder if we really had what I thought we had. When I walked in the door of my apartment, Chase's guy friend and my roomie were already there, doing homework. Since I was home early, I announced to them that I might go out to a different bar in a few minutes and started to message some friends who were out already. Guess Chase's friend thought I was trying to meet up with guys, because he asked, "How many dudes are you dating?!"

I took it as a joke and told him I had just gotten rid of one [Hinge Guy] and mentioned one other, but that I liked Chase better. ;)

Earlier that night, Chase had mentioned to me that he was planning to go to an event downtown the next day and asked if I was interested. I said I was, but then I didn't hear from him at all the next day (except for a Facebook friend request). Since it was a long weekend anyway, I decided to keep my mind busy and go out with a different group of friends instead.

The next day, I was feeling more and more anxious about Chase. I hadn't heard from him and it was starting to sink in that he probably wasn't interested after all - really, I was the one who "initiated" things by asking friends to find an excuse to reintroduce us. But that afternoon, I about jumped for joy when I got a message from him saying he was going to the event today (one of those nerdy conferences where people dress in costume) and out tonight and that I should join. I was feeling a little rough after three nights in a row of parties, and while I took my time responding to him, I immediately started getting dressed and doing my makeup.

I met Chase downtown, and he took my hand right away. It made me so happy. He asked about how my previous night had gone and confessed he had consulted with his guy friend about texting me, which I thought was cute and flattering.  He apologized that he had been exhausted and not himself a couple nights earlier. I told him it had made me unsure whether or not he really wanted to be there, but he told me, no, he was definitely interested. It was amazing how he made me feel better so quickly.

We got drinks inside one of the hotels and wove through the crowd to meet up with Chase's guy friend and another girl. Chase was definitely seeming like himself, at least, as much as I knew him so far. He remained very attentive, reaching out to hold my hand or resting his hand on my back. We had a great time chatting and walking around, commenting on the costumes and the bizarre people present.

When we were a ways behind the other two people in our group, he told me that his friend had said I was dating a bunch of people. I freaked out inside. I didn't know whether this fact was helping me or hurting me, but since we had both had a couple drinks at this point, I told him I had been going on dates but that a lot of the guys were kind of lame (completely the truth). I asked him if he was dating anyone as well, and he said he wasn't. I was a little shocked that by this point, we had already talked more about feelings and dating more than Dreamy and I had in a year. Chase kept telling me vulnerable things, and I shocked myself by what I was able to say back; I normally clam up completely when it comes to discussing feelings. I was surprised to observe Chase unapologetically state what was on his mind; further, it was in a way that brought me closer to him, a way that was so cute instead of scaring me off.

Chase is a really funny guy - his mannerisms and the way he interacts with people, the way he rolls his eyes jokingly or pretends to push your face away. It's hard to explain how entertaining he is, but it's silly and adorable and I love it. When the dance floor started, we became so wrapped up in our own world that we lost the rest of the group. I had the absolute best time. It was a night that I want to remember for a long time. He was so cute and was so sweet to me. He came home with me (and behaved himself). He's the most perfect kisser. It's not often that I have the feeling of missing a guy, but I can't wait to see him next.

With the bliss that comes along with Chase, there is pain associated with ending things with another guy. The Tinder guy has gotten really needy and has been raising a lot of red flags, and additionally, I realized I would be embarrassed introducing him to friends. He's good-looking but the things that come out of his mouth are things that make me not want to associate with him. We've only been on three dates, so I just stopped responding to his messages and believe the choice to do so is appropriate; however, he keeps texting. In one of the last couple messages, he demanded that I call him ASAP because we had talked about seeing each other that day (and I wasn't responding to him anymore). I essentially sent a break-up text and added that I felt too ill to talk on the phone that day, which was true. I don't owe him anything. (He has committed several dating faux pas that back this up and which counted alone should have been enough to dismiss him.) However, he misinterpreted my text and thought I was only saying I was sick, not that I didn't want to see him anymore. I'm just going to leave it alone and hope he doesn't blow up. Thank god he doesn't know where I live.

In spirit of not leaving things on a bad note, I'm really optimistic about what is coming next this year. Part of me feels vulnerable and scared, hoping that nothing can keep me from what I might have. Part of me feels paralyzed, not knowing how to handle something that is truly great. But mostly, I hope that something so positive will outshine all of my fears and the hard things that come along with something new.

Overcoming a questionable start

You may or may not remember Chase, the boy with "amnesia" from my last post. Well, I have some excellent, tremendously exciting news: my friends found a way to re-introduce us!

As I was embarking on my third date with one of the Tinder guys, I got a text from my girl friend saying that Chase was coming out to the event our other friends had planned for the night. I made a total player move and ended the Tinder date fairly early in order to make it to the event where Chase and my friends would be (at one of those awesome new game, bowling, and bar combination venues).

I knew that meeting Chase again would be awkward, given that he didn't remember me but that his guy friend likely filled him on what happened that night. We kind of awkwardly avoided talking to each other at first, but after I had a couple drinks, of course I began feeling more comfortable about discussing our little situation (and so did he).

"So what exactly happened?" he asked, as he hadn't heard my version of the story yet.

I told him we had had a lot of fun, we danced, and he had told me some pretty funny details (such as volunteering his middle name). He said when he woke up the next day, he had this feeling that he'd had a really good night but couldn't remember why or what had happened.

It's weird, but blackout Chase thankfully has similar taste as regular Chase. After we talked things out, it's almost like we picked right back up where we had left off: there was a lot of kissing and dancing, and I had so much fun. He gives me really good feelings, and he's not like these other guys I've been meeting lately, who get clingy really quickly and who almost try to keep track of you at all times (they ask what you're doing virtually every day - which is very irritating).

He met up with us the next night as well for a little bit. I like him. I'm a little worried that he won't ask me on a real date, because we've just been together in group settings at bars. Based on a few words that our mutual guy friend said to me, I've also inferred Chase is not always an initiator with the ladies. I've been reading this book lately that essentially says a guy may like you enough to put in X and Y effort (e.g., kiss you at a bar) but that doesn't mean he likes you enough to follow through with Z action (e.g., take you on dates and be in a relationship with you). This is a really eye-opening mindset for me but has inspired a bit of pessimism as well. In the future, with a guy I really like, I feel like I am going to be bothered with worries about the quality of his actions and what that means in terms of the strength of his feelings for me.

But I'm not going to chase Chase, even though I feel this odd compulsion to do so. I am going to sit back, wait, and hope he makes moves on his own.

Eternal texters, love amnesia, and warning bells

I don't think dating has ever been so much fun. Each time I sit down to write a new post lately, there are a handful of new guys - the beauty of dating apps, revealed. Things have slowed down with Hinge Guy; I like him but not enough. I don't want to abruptly disappear on him, but he offered to take me out to celebrate the full-time offer (!!) I recently received from the company where I interned this summer - I just haven't taken him up on it yet.

The Tinder match I have that I think is the most gorgeous (the hot blond one I mentioned in the last post) is of course the one who keeps sending me messages that have nothing to do with asking me out. Everyone else I'm talking to on there has at least gotten my number, if not asked me out, by now. I'm going to be patient with him a little longer before making any executive decisions about cutting him off.

One of my guy friends from business school brought one of his friends out to the bar with our group the other night. I didn't pay much attention to him at first, but once our group joined the dance floor, it just happened that the friend of my friend and I were paired up. I started noticing how funny he was, and I love, love, love guys who like to dance, and our chemistry after that was just crazy. I have never been that flirty with a guy in my life - but it came so easy with him (we'll call him Chase). We had so much fun and stayed attached to each other for the rest of the evening. It was great and made me realize what I really want right now - someone who is so much fun, and playful and adorable like this guy. (Formerly-Known-as-Dreamy never did things like this. In comparison, he was terribly boring.)

I knew Chase had been drinking a generous amount that night, but it was the biggest bummer/heartbreak ever when I found out through my girl friend that the guy did not remember me at all the next day.

That's right - one of the most fun and amazing times I've ever had with a guy, and he flat out doesn't know I exist. Here's the kicker: in the past, I may or may not have had a couple drunk make-out sessions with the guy friend who brought Chase to the bar that night, so I feel so awkward about asking the guy friend to help me reconnect with him. My guy friend and I have never tried to pursue anything romantic with each other outside of the bar, so in my mind, it's okay to date his friend. My girl friend told me she and our friends were watching us and that "it was magical," so she said she would do the legwork for me. Much to my frustration, she was not successful in reuniting us all weekend (Chase and I met the prior weekend). I am so impatient to see him again, even though I know I'll feel awkward because he has no idea what a great time we had.

I am dating someone else on Tinder as well. It's weird - at the same time, a bunch of warning bells go off in my head about him, yet I'm also really intrigued and actually look forward to seeing him again. I can't figure him out - I'm not sure if he's full of shit or if he's just a really attractive but kind of corny guy. Unfortunately, one downside of this guy is that he's hot and he knows it, which is normally such a turnoff for me; in his case, I'm letting it slide for now. I also can't tell if he's really, really into me or if he's just sucking up to get my approval (I am openly skeptical towards him). Despite my skepticism, I like him more than I think I should, but I'm holding back a little because I'm still incredibly curious about Chase.

Ahh. It's an exciting time in the dating world!

Gay bars, "locking it down," and recent compulsions/obsessions

I didn't text Ryan all week after I received his message that he would be "traveling" most of the week I was visiting. After our final day on the job, the other interns and I headed out to the gay bars, which were pretty entertaining. It was a night of celebration, so clearly there was drinking involved; the drinks got the best of me, and I gave in and quickly shot Ryan a message, asking if he'd been to the area before. I figured one of two things would happen:
1.) He could magically be "back in town" and come out to join the group, or
2.) He would interpret it as an innocent request for bar suggestions, at least keep some semblance of a rapport/prior friendship, and offer his input on which bar to hit up next.

Spoiler alert: I didn't see Ryan while I was in town. He at least decided to keep things friendly and respond that he thought the area was fun. I am glad that I didn't get completely iced out; if we end up living in the same city again, at least things won't be as awkward for me.

SF seemed a little less rosy without the possibility of having Ryan's company. I had a lot of fun with the other interns, including Romeo. I actually saw him on Tinder within minutes of opening it in my hotel room, but I freaked out and swiped left. We didn't bring up the fact that we saw each other on there, and we also weren't best buddies like we were in the first intern trip; maybe I will see him again next year if we both take the job full-time.

I haven't mentioned him before, but I've decided that one of the other interns is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. He is incredibly smart and talks/expresses himself in this way that is both nerdy and adorable at the same time. He is Indian, so beautiful, tall with the perfect build, and such a perfect person; he also has a girlfriend. Boo. I couldn't get this thought out of my head: I had this compulsion to ask if he had any brothers or friends who look exactly like him, so that I could date that guy. I think he will come back to the company full-time, so maybe one day we will reunite and he will dump his girlfriend for me. Ha. (Asking him if he would dump his girlfriend for me was my other compulsive thought.)

In other news, this week, Guy from Hinge asked me if I wanted to see him exclusively. I like him, but I'm not obsessed with him. It is still very soon since the breakup with Formerly-Known-as-Dreamy, and I told Hinge Guy this, plus that I didn't want to make a hasty decision or rush into anything. Not counting the week I was out of town, we have been dating for two weeks. He's a nice guy, but I need to take my time to meet more guys and go on dates with other people. Plus, I am highly enjoying the single life! I'm not ready to do couple-y things again and have a dude hanging on my side at every party or friend outing I attend.

He may be better than other guys out there, but I don't know how long I can pull off keeping him "on hold." I honestly need more time to date around; without it, I would probably want to break up anyway to keep exploring. I think the guy was disappointed, but he understood and took it well. The kissing situation has thankfully gotten much better; he is very receptive to "training." ;)

There are two other guys from the dating apps that I'm pretty excited about. With one, I am obsessed with his pictures (because he looks EXACTLY like a blond, American version of the Hot Indian Intern), and with the other, I love our conversations. I haven't met either one yet, but I have a first date scheduled with the conversationalist for next week.

Poor Hinge Guy! He has no idea that I have turned into a dating app addict, in spite of contrary claims I made in a post a few short weeks ago.

Strike three

It seems I have been striking out with the hotties lately. I told Ryan I was coming back to visit for work this week and that I might need more help finding fun places to go. I gave him an out to protect myself (I asked if he'd be around at all this week), and sadly, he went right for the out. I'm pretty sure he is fake "traveling" this week; I believe this because he didn't say where he was going, and he said he'd be gone a lot of the week (i.e., not the whole week) yet didn't bother asking which days I would be there. He offered to be available to text suggestions, though.

I'm bummed, but thankfully, I received some intel from Bestie before this conversation went down.  (Again, she is the girlfriend of Ryan's best friend so she really does know what's going on.)  She warned me that Ryan is really immature and advised me only to have fun with him if we saw each other again. The details she disclosed helped me lower my hopes and expectations about him. This conversation helped soften the blow of him not seeming interested, but it doesn't help that Bestie also acknowledges that aside from his flaws, he's so hot, so perfect, so smart, and (sometimes) so charming.

Apparently Ryan told her he had a good time with me after the last visit, but sleeping over probably wasn't the best way to get him to see me again! Before I texted Ryan about the upcoming visit, I also asked Bestie if Ryan had said anything that might indicate he might not want to hear from me, but she denied any indication of this, said all his other dates lately have been terrible, and said I was the only friend of hers he had ever been interested in. Some other details she told me was that he is very socially awkward but can hide it on occasion, and that since he arrived in town, he basically has been sitting at home all day every day. From this angle, if I were a guy and had nothing to do and a girl offered to hang out, I'd probably take the opportunity out of sheer boredom.

Who knows what's up with him, but I'll own up to my mistake of sleeping over. I should have known better. Beforehand I rationalized it this way: A) I didn't think I'd actually be that into him, B) I was in vacation mode, C) I've hung out with him several other times without doing anything physical, and D) I already knew that he liked me based on things Bestie has told me.

Another reason I think he's pretending to be out of town is that Bestie said he hasn't started his new job yet. I am betting that he'll get bored from his fake travels later this week. I am betting that if I don't text him again until I'm there (later in the week), ask if he is back from out of town yet, and invite him out with the intern group, he might magically be back in SF. We'll see. It's too bad he's not interested, but you can't have everyone you want.

The other hotties I referred to striking out with are Hot Roomie and Romeo. Hot Roomie is still not interested, but Romeo has been creeping on my LinkedIn page again! It's weird though, because he has never tried to email me at work, ask for my phone number, add me on Facebook, or anything - why do guys stalk when they could just talk?! I'll see Mr. Romeo later this week as well, so maybe he will entertain me in SF if Ryan ends up being MIA.

In other news, I have been on several dates with a guy I "met" on Hinge. He's really cute and sweet, and we work in the same field so we have that in common. I met some of his friends already, which I was so glad for; he aced the "friends interaction" test. This is a new test I have instituted since the true colors of Formerly-Known-as-Dreamy came out when he interacted with friends, and it wasn't a pretty sight.

I'm not sure what to call the new guy yet, so he'll be Guy from Hinge for now. He definitely seems like a genuinely good person and is so pleasant and easy to be around, but he's different from other guys I've dated. He's a few years older than me, but he told me he hasn't dated a girl for more than a month or so in quite a while. I am beginning to see why: He can be awkward physically at inopportune moments. I have never been so aware and self-conscious of how I stand when I hug or kiss someone before; he's not suave at all when he moves in for a kiss so in order to compensate, I feel hyper-aware at the times a kiss is likely to happen. It's never been something I've had to worry about, so it feels like such an odd concern! Admittedly, we have only had three dates and little kisses, so we're not fully comfortable with each other yet. Hopefully the situation will improve soon!

I am worried about seeing one guy too often or hopping into a relationship before I have adequate time to re-explore the dating pool. A couple of fresh new classes of MBA students will be at school when I return, so I want to be sure I meet and give those guys a chance as well! Anyway, those are my ridiculous dating thoughts of the week. Talk to you all soon. :)

Changing my mind

My opinions have changed about online dating. I used to be a big fan; now, part of me feels like I have already dated everyone who lives here, and part of me thinks that I have been scarred from being "fooled" by Dreamy (because I met him online). I am back on Tinder and OkCupid now, and I just downloaded Hinge. I used to get so excited browsing all of my "options," but now, I am not feeling anyone I see.

I believe part of it is I am branching out more than I have in the past few years. Lately I have been meeting more people out in real life. I have felt quite optimistic about some of the guys I have met and gotten to know: Ryan, of course, and a couple others this weekend. Even if these guys may not necessarily be 100% all about me (yet! - haha), I am happy that I have good feelings on my end; it shows that by seeing them interact with people aside from me, relatively quickly I get a much better picture of the type of people they are. When I go on dates with guys from dating sites/apps, I only see what the guy chooses to show me. Interacting in person, in lots of different settings, also helped me vet Romeo much more quickly than one-on-one dates would have.

Lately, I want to learn about a guy's personality before I categorize him as attractive - and a few pictures online doesn't do that for me.

Yet another problem is that now that guys feel like they have more options (from all the apps and dating sites), they don't initiate conversations as much anymore. They expect girls to do more of the work (i.e., first messages), but I don't want to do the work!

I went on two OkCupid dates after I got back home from SF. Of course, I was comparing both guys to Ryan and the amazing date we had just had. I was pleasant with the guys, but I didn't feel like sharing myself or trying to establish a real connection. To be honest, I wasn't very curious about either of them and didn't do a great job of asking them questions. I just feel like I can't fake it anymore, and it's the first time in a while that I have had first dates where the guy didn't follow up afterward. Neither of the OkCupid guys did - they left things at, "Well, let me know if you want to hang out again." (I am the girl, and they are the guy - so I will not be doing that, anyway!)

Recently though, I am making peace with the idea of taking a little more initiative if I meet someone particularly special or spot someone really interesting online. This weekend, I went on a river trip with a group of about fifteen girls...and exactly three guys. In this case, I am thinking about trying to connect with the two cute guys in the group, deliberately and of my own accord, rather than doing nothing, since there were so many other girls there. I am still pondering exactly how I'm going to do this.

Despite the excitement of the cute boys at the river, what it boils down to is: one, almost no one compares to Ryan lately, and two, I want to move to SF, now.

I think the most mentally healthy thing for me to do is to put Ryan out of my mind until I'm back in SF. I don't want to obsess about someone long distance unless they are equally dedicated to me. I'm not asking or expecting Ryan to yearn for me while I'm living in the city he just moved away from - I truthfully think he wants to be fully present in SF. I am hoping for some good times once I'm back (in two weeks!) and then to put him out of my mind until, or unless, I am living there too.

Mission: Accomplished

Originally, I had Romeo on my mind for my return trip to SF. I was still excited to see him; however, on my (very long) plane ride over to the West coast, I kept thinking about Ryan.

With Dreamy, I initiated nothing. However, I think Sabrina was right in a comment she recently made; being completely passive doesn't work for me. In the end, I did not develop real feelings for Dreamy because I had nothing at stake. I never made myself vulnerable - never reached out to him unless it was returning a phone call or text.

It was a big step for me to procure Ryan's number and text him first. I was nervous about being rejected or not receiving a response. In light of what I had learned about Ryan - that he had had only one girlfriend and apparently had "no game" with girls - I thought it was appropriate and necessary for me to reach out to him.

Bestie had also prepped me that it would be best if I framed my request to Ryan around seeing new parts of SF (which I implied meant not to make it about seeing him). I took her advice. I sent the text right before my plane took off, then immediately turned the phone off so I couldn't obsess about it during my flight. However, I kept thinking about what a night with Ryan might be like. ;)

When I restarted my phone after landing in SF, I was bummed to discover I hadn't heard back from Ryan. I didn't hear from him that night either. The next day, all the interns were reunited, and I was able to see Romeo's lovely face again. We were together at the office all day but didn't talk much. When we were given a lunch break, Romeo and I decided to go out for coffee together (SF has the best coffee!), and one other intern ended up tagging along. It was nice to catch up a little, and I was hoping we would do more of that at happy hour.

Once we arrived back at the office, I checked my phone and was overjoyed to discover that Ryan had written back to make plans with me. Responding to him was going to have to wait, though, because he made me wait first.

HR had organized a happy hour just for the interns, so we walked to a restaurant several blocks away after the day of programming was over. Romeo had an open spot next to him at the table, and he motioned for me to sit next to him. After a few minutes of sitting next to each other, though, he didn't seem that interested and didn't really engage in conversation. Reflecting back on our first night out in SF (the previous visit), I don't remember what we discussed once we started drinking after dinner. I realized I didn't know that much about him, and I really didn't know what to talk to him about. Romeo started looking at his phone and then got up to talk to the male interns huddled around the bar. At that point, my read was, "Definitely not interested." Maybe once we were talking, we realized we didn't have much chemistry? My other guesses were that he had gotten back together with the ex he had recently parted with or that he already had someone new he was seriously interested in.

So, I started texting Ryan instead. He shot me a teaser photo of the amazing view from his apartment, and we made plans to go out the next night.

We all left the restaurant at the same time. I wasn't sure of everyone's plans but definitely wanted to go out. We arrived at one intersection, and Romeo's group walked one way. Another group started walking a different way. Someone quickly explained that Romeo's group was going home for the night, but the other group was going out. Something definitely had to be up with him, because Romeo was usually the guy asking who all was going out. I decided to walk with the party group, and we had an enjoyable and late night of more drinks. The downside was that we stayed in our immediate work area rather than exploring a new one.

The next day, I ended up being in a small group with Romeo when we went out to lunch. He seemed a little more sociable but still not that interested. He was surprised that we had all went out the night before though - he must have been walking with the wrong group. ;) I was surprised too, because I thought he had just wanted to go home. A group of four of us, including Romeo, went out for happy hour after we were done with the day of intern activities. Romeo didn't put much effort in to engage, and I noticed him yawning and checking his phone as well - definitely not the makings of chemistry. I didn't fret: I had a hot date with Ryan, who had decided we were going out for dinner and drinks in his neighborhood. After a drink with the intern boys, I said my goodbyes and headed on my next adventure.

Ryan's area of town was one new to me. He gave me a quick tour of his apartment, which was incredible given my expectations about SF real estate - it was huge and had a gorgeous view of the water. That view alone made me want to move to SF.

Talking with Ryan was starkly different compared to my interactions with guys who aren't interested (i.e., Hot Roomie and, now, Romeo). Ryan engaged right away and started (lovingly) calling me "nerd" and "silly" throughout our initial conversations. We headed out for a sushi restaurant, which involved a walk down a huge SF hill. I was in heels, and Ryan helped me without hesitation. He was so personable; it was very surprising to me that he hadn't had much luck with the ladies.

The restaurant ended up being really nice. Ryan bought our cocktails at the bar while we were waiting for our table. He shared a few personal things, including some comments that I read to mean that he hadn't been dating since he moved (at least I hoped so!). Like I knew him to do before, he asked plenty of questions, was curious, and was just a pleasure to talk with. I was having so much fun and was trying not to think about how rare it is to find a guy like this.

He started a conversation that turned into a game, essentially, where he said I had to give him a kiss for every wrong answer I gave. We had a couple more cocktails, and he went to town ordering all different kinds of sushi (and took complete responsibility for the bill at the end). While we were walking the stairs to exit the restaurant, he stopped me mid-stair to collect his first kiss. He was so adorable.

Ryan wanted to go to another bar afterwards, and I was excited to see more of SF. We ended up at a 1920's-looking bar, and I was pleased to find out that in addition to amazing coffee, SF also has consistently amazing cocktails. Ryan was so fun to talk to, and I was glad that I already knew who he was as a person since I'd spent group time with him several times before this. I really appreciated that he acted like everyone he met was a friend - he introduced himself by name to the bartender, spotted a friend and introduced himself and me to all the other people in the group, and had done this earlier in the night as well. I liked that he engaged everyone. The main thing that made me lose my attraction for Dreamy was that he was not great in social settings - he often acted like an asshole in social situations and made questionable/asshole-ish statements on the regular that made me not want friends to meet him. Ryan also kissed me at the bar, which I was impressed with considering his friend he knew (a girl, actually) was sitting a few bar stools down.

I was really on cloud nine at this point. I hadn't imagined that Ryan would treat this like a real date. We had talked about sitting on his patio (it's huge!), so we went back to his place. It was quickly reaffirmed that he was an incredible kisser, and I slept over. :) I had expected to feel a high and sense of pride that I had been able to score a date with Ryan while in SF, but I actually had so much fun that it started making me feel depressed. (At least it confirmed that splitting with Dreamy was the best decision ever, because it freed me up for dates like this.)

My next SF trip is coming up in a few weeks. I really hope I will see him next time. Honestly, I feel kind of attached - bad M! I am hoping I can focus on other guys back home; if I move to SF, it wouldn't be for another year anyway. But I had such a good time, and Ryan is kind of wonderful.

I only saw Romeo briefly on my last day in SF, so nothing eventful to report there. Yet once again, I'm counting the days until I'm back!

A guy I haven't told you about yet

My trip didn't go as planned - at all. However, to properly explain the events of this week's adventures, there is a backstory that needs to come first.

One of my favorite girl friends and I started dating guys at the same time: around the time Dreamy and I were a regular thing. This caused Bestie and I to see each other much less than we would have liked, but I was so excited to hear from her again earlier this spring. Since we had paired off with the guys, we kept missing each other at various events, so I was determined to make another gathering with Bestie happen soon. A group of us got together at the beginning of May, and we had the best time catching up. It was the first time I admitted to someone all the doubts I was having about Dreamy.

Bestie's boyfriend was also there that night. I had first met Bestie's BF and his best friend, a guy named Ryan, a few months before, out at our favorite fratty bars (where the crowds are now starting to feel way too young). It's nostalgic for Bestie and I, though, and it is still fun if we don't go too often and if we find a bar where people are dancing (or - let's be honest - a bar where Bestie and I can start a dance floor!). Anyway, the boyfriend's best friend, Ryan, was extremely attractive, and he was all about the dance floor too. I liked that, but I was focused on dating Dreamy and dismissed Ryan as a possibility.

About a week after the night at the fratty bars, I went out for espresso at a new location of my favorite coffee bar. A guy came up to me and looked so familiar. He asked if my name was M. I had participated in a lot of networking events during that time of year, so at first, I thought he was an alumni from my business school; it took me a few seconds to realize it was Ryan. Instantly I cursed myself for not wearing makeup to my coffee run, but then I reminded myself that it didn't matter because I was with Dreamy. I approved that Ryan had great taste in coffee, though.

Fast forward to the night in May. Ryan was out with us. I was in a girl-talk huddle with Bestie, quietly telling her about my problems with Dreamy. Ryan was looking hot, as always, and it was a weird coincidence to hear that he was moving to SF soon; I already had a bunch of SF trips lined up for the summer. I told him he'd have to find all the cool spots before I got there so he could share them with me later in the summer.

After the group exited our second bar of the next, we stood around, contemplating what to do next. Ryan got my attention and convinced me to walk back to the first bar with him, saying that everyone else would follow in a few minutes anyway. I had loved the cocktails at the first bar, so I agreed to go with him. He bought drinks for both of us, but we were quickly disappointed to hear that the bar was about to close. Fortunately, Ryan had the brilliant idea to sneak out, still holding our cocktail glasses, to a third bar. It was genius. The rest of the gang met us at the third bar, and we found it pretty hilarious to discover that the bartender from the first bar had come across the street to hunt Ryan and I down about 30 minutes later, because he needed their cocktail glasses back!

Bestie and I started chatting again, and Ryan went back to socializing with some of his coworkers who had tagged along. Finally, I was ready to call it a night, so I summoned a cab and said my goodbyes. I open the left back door of the cab, only to find the opposite back door opening and Ryan, getting in as well. He said he was thinking we could split the ride, since we lived in neighboring areas anyway. The driver stopped at my apartment first, but Ryan made an excuse to get out as well. We sat on the floor of my living room, playing with the dog, discussing coffee and other random things. I really liked that Ryan was curious, asked great questions, and was attentive to my answers.

Even though I was still dating Dreamy, I let Ryan kiss me. I thought he was really hot and sweet and in the moment, after all the conversations of that day, I was sure I would break up with Dreamy soon.

Ryan didn't ask for my number, and I saw him again that weekend (in a group) without any eventful happenings between us; then, he moved. I assumed he wasn't that interested, plus he was moving anyway, so I didn't think much of it.

Fast forward: Obviously, Dreamy and I have been broken up a while now. This past weekend, days before my work trip to SF, I went out with Bestie. She was taking a lot of pictures of the group and the shenanigans of the evening. She kept telling me that Ryan was texting her in Snapchat, commenting that I looked hot (haha). After this happened several times, I asked her if she thought I should contact Ryan while I was in SF that week. And that's when I learned some vital information about Ryan. Bestie's boyfriend and Ryan have a serious bromance, so Bestie has inside information about his dating life. Apparently Ryan has only had one girlfriend in his life, and he doesn't have much luck on the dating apps (something about him "not having game" with girls). She said that she had already kind of known about Ryan trying to go home with me before and told me that he seemed embarrassed about it because he was drunk. He hadn't seemed overly drunk to me, but he didn't try anything beyond kissing; now it makes sense, but at the time I just thought he had wanted to go home, decided he didn't like me, or was being a gentleman and not pushing his luck.

Even though Bestie is happily coupled, we both agree Ryan is ridiculously hot; so before my trip, she gave me his number, told me I was the only one of her girl friends that Ryan had liked, and encouraged me/planted the idea for me to try to hook up (yes, literally) with him while I was in SF. He's so hot, and I'll be there anyway, so why not?

Well, that's the backstory. I am back from SF, and I have more to tell. To be continued...

Obsessions true to my name

All of this will probably sound ridiculous, but I am excited to share anyway.

As interns, we have been viewing weekly webinars on various areas of the business. It's silly, but I get excited for them because I like to see fellow intern Romeo's name pop up on the participant list. (He's based in SF for the summer, and I travel there but am based somewhere else). Well, this week, the webinar was very eventful. There is an option on the program to share a video of yourself during the presentation from your laptop webcam, even if you are a participant rather than a presenter. So Romeo accidentally and unknowingly had his video turned on, so for the first 15 minutes, I could see a live video of his adorable face from his webcam. I had forgotten exactly what he looked like, so seeing his super good looking self was a nice treat. I kept giggling to myself and felt my face turning red just knowing that I could peek at him whenever I wanted.

Eventually, he must have realized his mistake, because he signed off of the participant list altogether.

I logged into LinkedIn today and saw that my profile had had a new viewer earlier in the day. Even though the viewer was anonymous, the tagline (a very unique one) was still visible. A few weeks ago, an anonymous visitor from the school Romeo goes to had viewed my profile - with the same tagline. Now the tagline included the name of our company rather than his school, so I 100% know it was him. I like that he is trying to creep on me.

I am heading to SF in a few days for our next all-intern session, so I am excited to see what this visit holds - hopefully a lot of time with Romeo. :) I was not single the last time I saw him, and now I am - so yay.

In other news, Paolo (yes, PAOLO! from 2012!) texted me this week out of the blue. He doesn't live here anymore, but yesterday he mentioned he was in town and wanted to have dinner before he traveled back home that night. We tried to get together last year when he was in town, but I was off gallivanting with Guy No. 1 and Peter and the gang so it didn't happen.

It was really nice to see Paolo. He looked good, and it was fun talking with him again. It's odd seeing someone you dated so long ago. We talked about how we have both changed and agreed it was for the better. I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend now, but I'm flattered he wanted to spend part of his short visit to town hanging out with me.

In other other news, I was curious if formerly-known-as-Dreamy was back on POF again (where we met). He was, with almost the exact same username. I just rolled my eyes when I saw it - I do NOT miss him.

Not to be outdone, I created a new account on OKC. It was a lackluster first couple of days, but finally some quality messages came in. One guy seems really great - he sends me long messages back and reminded me how much I love to write long letters to people, and how I used to exchange long emails with my BFF back in college. I miss doing that. There really is something to writing to another person that is intimate, whether they are a guy or a best friend. I like that this guy wants to share himself in that way.

More adventures are coming soon - I'm sure of it.

Single

I have not seen Dreamy since my last post. Two days after our argument, he asked if we could cook dinner together that night. Planning to officially break up with him, I said yes (but that I could not stay too long that night). A couple hours later, he canceled. I was annoyed. He said we should do Friday instead. I didn't respond, because that was the first week of my internship, and I had no idea yet how long I was going to be at work that first week and if we would have happy hours or things like that after.

A few days later, he asked about it again, wondering if he got mixed up about when I was going out of town. I briefly explained that work stuff was up in the air so I couldn't agree to anything, but that I'd be going out of town later in the weekend. He did not ask how the first week of work was, and he never responded to my last text. He never responded or called again. As you all may have picked up on, I had been very scared to have the break-up conversation. So, after a year of dating, it looks like we have settled on a mutual fade-out.

It sounds pretty messed up, but I am kind of fine parting ways silently. There is no nice way to say to someone that you don't have feelings for them. Admittedly, I feel bad about him paying for dates once almost every week for a year, and I feel bad about not parting with any final good words so he knows I am grateful for the good times. Oh well. We haven't exchanged any texts in two weeks, and I haven't seen him in three weeks. So... I'm going to declare it.

I'M SINGLE!

I feel oddly free. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me again, full of possibilities and hotties. I still feel the sporadic twinge of guilt for not ending this in an adult way, but *he didn't either!* I haven't started dating again yet, but I do have my eye on someone. And surprise! - it's not Hot Roomie! (While he's still a hottie, he just does not seem interested.)

I have to travel to SF a bunch for my internship, and I am sensing that one of my fellow interns (henceforth called "Romeo") is interested in me. After a work-sponsored happy hour in SF, a few of the interns and I set out for dinner near The Embarcadero. Romeo and I ended up getting seats next to each other. I had first met him during final round interviews at the beginning of the year, but we didn't interact much then. At this dinner, we kept each other entertained; he kept cracking jokes about leaving his number for the (much older) waitress. Even though I was the lone female in our group, Romeo made an effort to ask around the dinner table to see who was single. When it was his turn, he said he had broken up with his girlfriend recently. When the subject turned to me, in a joking way I said I was with someone but we were on the rocks and basically over. I don't think guys normally ask other guys about their girlfriends on a first meeting, so I think this question of Romeo's was really for me.

Earlier during the dinner, Romeo had told me he would buy me a drink later that night, and he, another intern, and I were the only ones game for "one more" drink after dinner was over. (Our trio did not have to reconvene for work until noon the next day, while everyone else was out of luck.) Somehow Romeo convinced us to go to several bars in a row instead of just one, until finally the other guy called it a night, leaving just Romeo and me. I had decided by that point that I was interested in Romeo and agreed to one more bar. I really enjoyed being out with him, and even though I was so tired, at his request I stopped by his apartment with him for a few minutes before I went back to my hotel. Nothing happened, no kisses or anything, but for this, I'm glad; it would have made me look bad since my girlfriend status was still uncertain at the time.

This sounds a little self-involved to say, but I think one of the other interns likes me too. I kept catching him and Romeo looking at me the next day. I mention this because having two people act this certain way makes the action easier to interpret as interest (especially compared to actions of Hot Roomie and his lack of interest). I hope Romeo does like me, because I am highly anticipating my next trip to SF (and seeing him). If Romeo and I both get full-time offers after the internship, it is very likely we would both be located in SF. SF gets a bad reputation within the dating blog world, but honestly, I am looking forward to a new start and new possibilities. It really does feel nice to be excited about a guy again!

Damned Either Way

I agreed to meet Dreamy this weekend despite not wanting to. He has been in a much better mood lately, and it allowed me to see some of the sides of him again that I originally admired. He had been in such a Negative Nancy funk these past few months and had been spewing a lot of negativity before this turnaround. We had a nice time at dinner but when he tried to get physical, I just couldn't pretend. We ended up having an argument, but I was too weak to say what I really wanted. I just couldn't say the words "Break Up" or even dance around them.

The inadequate communication was partly my fault for being bad at expressing my feelings. Part of it was our fault, because we never talk about our feelings for each other, with each other. I ended up going silent for a lot of the argument and not telling him what was wrong. Part of me thinks he got the hint that I don't want to be with him anymore, and part of me thinks I totally confused him - that he doesn't know what just happened. Earlier in the night, I had told him I wanted to meet up with some friends later (not specifying to him if he was invited or not), and he ended up leaving my place after our fight, telling me I could "get to it now." I followed him to the door, and we parted with a weak hug; but the way he left, I couldn't tell if he was pissed off and trying to hide it or if he was confused. I expected to feel relieved for getting him to leave, but instead I felt really sad. I felt like I had disappointed someone who has been a great friend to me over the past year. I felt like I didn't give him the treatment and respect he deserves. At the same time, I was too scared to reject him and tell him he isn't what I am looking for. I didn't want to make him feel like he isn't good enough or like he has wasted his time.

I'm not sure what is going to happen next. I have been pretty passive throughout the relationship, and to be honest, what I realistically think I am going to do is wait for him to reach out first. I could see this going several ways: 1) It could be a little longer than usual before he gets back in touch, because he isn't sure what happened. 2) He could call midweek to sort this out, and I'll be either too chicken to answer right away or I'll answer, act like all is well now, and prolong this breakup even further... I just don't know. I really do want to respect him, but I don't want to go through what will be the very painful motions of hashing out this split.

It's funny how after you take certain actions, even if you attempted to visualize the consequences, new situations come up that you didn't prepare for. The ones that really hit me today are the downsides of being single. For a few weeks, I had dreamed about being single again and all the guys that are out there waiting. But now, my thoughts are that I don't want to go through online dating again, of being excited over some assholes who disappoint you later; through the motions of getting dolled up only to figure out your date doesn't look like you thought he would; through the realization that the dating pool that is left kind of sucks; through not always having a guy to go out with on date night... I know the end result is worth it, if you really find love. It's a disappointment that a decent-looking, "together" kind of guy, a guy who took so much initiative throughout the dating process and who actually committed to me, is a guy that I realized I don't love. Mutual love seems like the hardest thing for me to find.

Hot Roomie is around again now, but after what just transpired with Dreamy, and with my less-than-optimistic state of mind about guys right now, my expectations are low. I really do feel bad that the dog liked Dreamy so much. Hopefully things will be up again soon! I used to think dating was so fun, even if I had a few too many frogs in a row; I don't want to be a jaded old fart, so I hope that positive attitude about dating will be back again soon.

New Developments

I haven't had the talk with Dreamy yet. I saw him for a few hours this weekend but didn't stay at his place for long. Our time with each other was actually fine and enjoyable, so it made bringing up bad news difficult; I also was not ready to talk about breaking up, and writing my last post set me at ease and got some of the negative feelings out of my mind. To be clear, though, I still don't want to continue the relationship. I won't see him for a couple of weeks because I am going to visit my parents a few states away, so maybe the distance will help throw off our routine and get me to finally admit what is on my mind.

The new development is an exciting one. My female roommate moved out for the summer, and a grad student from a different business school has moved in for the summer - and this new roomie is a guy. I have never lived with a boy before, but ex-roomie waited too long to find someone to sublease her room; so here we are. I saw a few pictures of the guy after we agreed to room together, and I wasn't sure how things would shake out in person. He moved in this weekend, and he is really, really cute and has a laid-back, charming personality that I like. It is exciting to feel this way again... I have a crush! I have not disclosed to him that I have a boyfriend, and Dreamy does not know I have a male roommate. It's a sticky situation, but Hot Roomie is out of town now for a couple weeks, plus I won't see Dreamy for a couple weeks - buying me some time to sort my life out. The pup is not a fan of Hot Roomie yet but hopefully he will come around. :)

A Shift

Without question there are reasons it has been so long since I've written. For a while, it was because things on the relationship front were smooth. Since then, it has been because I have been doubting my feelings again. Unfortunately, in dating, I place too much weight on mystery. The initial attraction to Dreamy was largely attributable to this. I got to know him slowly, and since he travels for work, I only saw him once a week. In a matter of days will mark a year since we began dating. After all of this time, I feel I have a good sense of Dreamy's personality; but the catch is, I don't like what I see. Even considering the facts I learned from the beginning of our time together, such as huge struggles he endured when he was younger and the value he places on integrity, I feel in many ways I do not like my boyfriend as a person.

Now I can see the problem in online dating. With Dreamy, it allowed me to create - and for too long, hold onto - a picture in my head of him that wasn't entirely accurate. I began to doubt my feelings the first time I saw him interact with his friends, about four or five months after we started dating. This is where I was exposed to new sides of his personality - sides which now are the ones that are predominant when I am with him. It makes me sad it took me so long to figure someone out; I kept ignoring those exact doubts and giving him more time, yet my issues with him all come down to those very traits I sensed that early on.

Dreamy is extremely opinionated and particular. It bothers me that he is not more laid-back; I feel if we were to ever get married, he would get the say in everything - and I would not be a happy wife. I see this from everything from picking home decor to choosing a date activity; the rare time I suggest a bar, restaurant, or date idea, usually he completely craps on it or just ignores what I have said. While I thought he was incredibly good looking at first, his personality has become such a big part of how I "see" him that I no longer find him physically attractive.

While he has many good qualities, I feel if I loved him, I would overlook the bad things. It's great that my dog likes him. But I do not think I will ever love Dreamy like I want to love a boyfriend or future spouse. We never talk about feelings, though. We had a small argument last week but it wasn't enough for me to begin revealing my doubts. I have been very pleasant around him, because I still view him as a friend. In short, if I were to break up with him, he would not see it coming - I haven't voiced any of my complaints because we always talk about "things" - houses, work, dogs - and he talks most of the time. If I want to add anything to what he says, lately, I have to interrupt him or talk over him (because he won't stop talking when I start). More and more I foresee a loveless and unfulfilled future with him, but I don't know how to get out of this. We already text very little (and he always texts me), and most weeks he calls me once - so pulling away to "give him a hint" would literally mean me not responding to him. He has been very good to me in certain ways, and we have been together essentially a year, so it is clear I owe him much more respect than a fade out.

I feel like this is a guy I cannot reveal my feelings to anymore, so I don't know how to say the words to break up with him. I don't want to keep going through the motions though. I want to feel something with someone, but being committed like this means I can't move on until I end it. It's just not going to be pretty when I do.