Well, except one other time… I've never done this before.
I'm so good at first dates. I'm high energy, I have lots of things to say, I have a mental closet of slam-dunk first date outfits to choose from. I can tell he's liking it all. I know he's into the fact I'm so attentive and so awesome myself, all at the same time.
I usually leave from such events with complete certainty about how it will go from here - he's going to text me again and again, it's going to be a mutual fade-out from both parties, etc.
Fast forward to the feeling after date six. Our track record seems to indicate that Paolo and I have made it this far - awkward moments and sexy moments and fun moments and all of that - that we will keep going. We've done the initial evaluations and no red flags have impeded our journey from continuing. It makes me very scared I'm as sold on him as I am. Rarely do I feel this way. It's what I've been waiting for.
But after the past several dates with him, I leave with uncertainty about whether or not all of this is going to continue. Can I be enough for him?
I date a lot. It makes great stories for my friends, and I owe dating a big thank you because I've gotten to see so much of our huge city this way. But. I've barely been in relationships. I owe dating a smack across the face as well, because it has contributed to the idea that it's okay to go on dates all the time and not commit anyone to the boyfriend role.
With Paolo, he's such a great catch that I have this anxious feeling that every time I say goodbye to him, it will be the last time I see him. That he'll just do the standard boy "I'm out" thing without bothering to fill me in. He's already let slip once, "Well, after I broke up with her - uh, I mean, after we broke up -" which gave me a hint that he could have a history of being a heartbreaker. To be fair, though, he's already given me evidence that would lead me to believe the contrary - that he wouldn't leave me high and dry and fade away without verbal indication he's doing so. He takes me on real dates. He's always well-dressed. He's classy. And damn sexy.
It sickens me that I have this need for constant affirmation from him. It's not my personality to attention-seek, to fish for compliments, to continually but indirectly ask someone, "Do you still like me?"
"How about now?"
But he brings it out in me. When I'm with him, it's no problem - he makes his likings clear and piles on the compliments. It stupefies me really - I don't even know what to say back when he says such nice things. (i.e., he says, "You're so sexy." I say, "So are youuuu." He protests, "That doesn't mean anything. You're just repeating what I'm staying!" I whine, "Well it's trueeee.") When we're apart, I start overanalyzing, as girls do, picking apart every step and move and phrase spoken. We're attempting to have pillow talk. I'm humbled by my moments of temporary stupidity:
"What's a secret about you?"
"Um… Hmmm… Er, I can't think of anything good."[Except that I am obsessed with the show The Bachelor. But that's not a good one, really, just embarrassing.]
On the phone:
"So how have you been this past week? What have you been up to?"
"Uh, good. Guess I'm good. Nothing new. Just working."[What a conversationalist I am, huh? Yessir! I couldn't think of a single interesting tidbit to share. Maybe because I spend entirely too much of my free time pondering his dreamy cheekbones.]
"What about you?"
"Well, pretty last-minute actually, work gave me this next week off because I've been putting in these extra hours. I booked some spur-of-the-moment tickets and I'm on my way to the airport right now, heading to [the first destination of what will be a worldly tour of Europe (a sibling is over there)]."Wow. I am really an exciting creature now. What I've really been doing for the past week, handsomeface? Sitting on my computer for hours on end reading blogs. Also: being antisocial and not going on dates with any other people because I'm already sold on you, babe.
My conclusion thus far is that I've lost myself while I've known him. I can't remember how I behaved before. I have trouble recalling my characteristic stories. I can't mentally resurrect all the silly little things about me I usually use to entertain my dates.
Thankfully, he's been doing a lot of traveling lately, so all the crazy talk and analysis and self-doubt have been inside my head. He hasn't seen my dirty laundry. I have the social filter to keep it that way. I think being apart, the minimalist contact, and not being graced with his rapt attention in the midst of his travels has been making me crazy.
It should be perking up my ego that this gorgeous wonderful manly person is interested enough in me to have brought me this far. Instead, I just keep worrying about when he's going to drop me. I'm afraid to open up for fear that he won't like me in my entirety. I'm also afraid that being so secretive will just shut him out and make him think there's not much to me.
Maybe if I had bigger boobs I'd feel more secure?