Barf

Recently I realized I am way too much of a daydreamer, in terms of dating at least. I start dreaming way too far into the future and honestly lose touch with reality. Next, I become disappointed when reality slaps me fresh in the face, greeting me with the fact that my daydream is not quite the same thing as my real life. I finally found the guy I've been looking for for a long time, and we were dating for almost half a year (this is long for me - I ditch 'em fast if I'm not into it). Unfortunately, I didn't ask the right questions, and I made optimistic assumptions about things between us based on the fact "that we had made it this long." I started imagining future vacations and one day going house shopping. In the dating world, I split from someone the moment I know I don't want to be with the guy; however, I just found out he's the opposite in dating - he holds on too long when he knows he wants to end things.

He just started acting weird and I didn't say anything at first. Finally I confront him and find that things are different than I thought. And now we're broken up. The past almost-six months had been really busy, and I was so looking forward to this time where things were going to cool down and we were going to get to spend a lot more time together. Now that he finally had the time to give, he realized he didn't want to spend it on dating anyone.

I don't understand his thinking at all, but I'm not about to force a guy to be with me if he doesn't feel like it. I want him to want me. It's awful to me that I've been spending time being excited about a guy that honestly didn't want to be seeing me anymore. It's sick to me to care about someone who doesn't care back.

I want a guy in my life to be there for me, but I don't ask for a lot. I'm entirely too independent. But I don't want to go to things alone anymore. I want to have some sort of constant on the weekends, someone to relax with after work, someone to plan trips with and suffer through family events with.

But those are things he doesn't want right now.

So I'm back to square one. Barf is that feeling you get when you realize you have to start logging back onto OkCupid again.




(I took a day and a half to be hysterical and upset. But then I did log back on, and now I happen to have my next first date all set up. We'll see...)