Single

I have not seen Dreamy since my last post. Two days after our argument, he asked if we could cook dinner together that night. Planning to officially break up with him, I said yes (but that I could not stay too long that night). A couple hours later, he canceled. I was annoyed. He said we should do Friday instead. I didn't respond, because that was the first week of my internship, and I had no idea yet how long I was going to be at work that first week and if we would have happy hours or things like that after.

A few days later, he asked about it again, wondering if he got mixed up about when I was going out of town. I briefly explained that work stuff was up in the air so I couldn't agree to anything, but that I'd be going out of town later in the weekend. He did not ask how the first week of work was, and he never responded to my last text. He never responded or called again. As you all may have picked up on, I had been very scared to have the break-up conversation. So, after a year of dating, it looks like we have settled on a mutual fade-out.

It sounds pretty messed up, but I am kind of fine parting ways silently. There is no nice way to say to someone that you don't have feelings for them. Admittedly, I feel bad about him paying for dates once almost every week for a year, and I feel bad about not parting with any final good words so he knows I am grateful for the good times. Oh well. We haven't exchanged any texts in two weeks, and I haven't seen him in three weeks. So... I'm going to declare it.

I'M SINGLE!

I feel oddly free. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me again, full of possibilities and hotties. I still feel the sporadic twinge of guilt for not ending this in an adult way, but *he didn't either!* I haven't started dating again yet, but I do have my eye on someone. And surprise! - it's not Hot Roomie! (While he's still a hottie, he just does not seem interested.)

I have to travel to SF a bunch for my internship, and I am sensing that one of my fellow interns (henceforth called "Romeo") is interested in me. After a work-sponsored happy hour in SF, a few of the interns and I set out for dinner near The Embarcadero. Romeo and I ended up getting seats next to each other. I had first met him during final round interviews at the beginning of the year, but we didn't interact much then. At this dinner, we kept each other entertained; he kept cracking jokes about leaving his number for the (much older) waitress. Even though I was the lone female in our group, Romeo made an effort to ask around the dinner table to see who was single. When it was his turn, he said he had broken up with his girlfriend recently. When the subject turned to me, in a joking way I said I was with someone but we were on the rocks and basically over. I don't think guys normally ask other guys about their girlfriends on a first meeting, so I think this question of Romeo's was really for me.

Earlier during the dinner, Romeo had told me he would buy me a drink later that night, and he, another intern, and I were the only ones game for "one more" drink after dinner was over. (Our trio did not have to reconvene for work until noon the next day, while everyone else was out of luck.) Somehow Romeo convinced us to go to several bars in a row instead of just one, until finally the other guy called it a night, leaving just Romeo and me. I had decided by that point that I was interested in Romeo and agreed to one more bar. I really enjoyed being out with him, and even though I was so tired, at his request I stopped by his apartment with him for a few minutes before I went back to my hotel. Nothing happened, no kisses or anything, but for this, I'm glad; it would have made me look bad since my girlfriend status was still uncertain at the time.

This sounds a little self-involved to say, but I think one of the other interns likes me too. I kept catching him and Romeo looking at me the next day. I mention this because having two people act this certain way makes the action easier to interpret as interest (especially compared to actions of Hot Roomie and his lack of interest). I hope Romeo does like me, because I am highly anticipating my next trip to SF (and seeing him). If Romeo and I both get full-time offers after the internship, it is very likely we would both be located in SF. SF gets a bad reputation within the dating blog world, but honestly, I am looking forward to a new start and new possibilities. It really does feel nice to be excited about a guy again!

Damned Either Way

I agreed to meet Dreamy this weekend despite not wanting to. He has been in a much better mood lately, and it allowed me to see some of the sides of him again that I originally admired. He had been in such a Negative Nancy funk these past few months and had been spewing a lot of negativity before this turnaround. We had a nice time at dinner but when he tried to get physical, I just couldn't pretend. We ended up having an argument, but I was too weak to say what I really wanted. I just couldn't say the words "Break Up" or even dance around them.

The inadequate communication was partly my fault for being bad at expressing my feelings. Part of it was our fault, because we never talk about our feelings for each other, with each other. I ended up going silent for a lot of the argument and not telling him what was wrong. Part of me thinks he got the hint that I don't want to be with him anymore, and part of me thinks I totally confused him - that he doesn't know what just happened. Earlier in the night, I had told him I wanted to meet up with some friends later (not specifying to him if he was invited or not), and he ended up leaving my place after our fight, telling me I could "get to it now." I followed him to the door, and we parted with a weak hug; but the way he left, I couldn't tell if he was pissed off and trying to hide it or if he was confused. I expected to feel relieved for getting him to leave, but instead I felt really sad. I felt like I had disappointed someone who has been a great friend to me over the past year. I felt like I didn't give him the treatment and respect he deserves. At the same time, I was too scared to reject him and tell him he isn't what I am looking for. I didn't want to make him feel like he isn't good enough or like he has wasted his time.

I'm not sure what is going to happen next. I have been pretty passive throughout the relationship, and to be honest, what I realistically think I am going to do is wait for him to reach out first. I could see this going several ways: 1) It could be a little longer than usual before he gets back in touch, because he isn't sure what happened. 2) He could call midweek to sort this out, and I'll be either too chicken to answer right away or I'll answer, act like all is well now, and prolong this breakup even further... I just don't know. I really do want to respect him, but I don't want to go through what will be the very painful motions of hashing out this split.

It's funny how after you take certain actions, even if you attempted to visualize the consequences, new situations come up that you didn't prepare for. The ones that really hit me today are the downsides of being single. For a few weeks, I had dreamed about being single again and all the guys that are out there waiting. But now, my thoughts are that I don't want to go through online dating again, of being excited over some assholes who disappoint you later; through the motions of getting dolled up only to figure out your date doesn't look like you thought he would; through the realization that the dating pool that is left kind of sucks; through not always having a guy to go out with on date night... I know the end result is worth it, if you really find love. It's a disappointment that a decent-looking, "together" kind of guy, a guy who took so much initiative throughout the dating process and who actually committed to me, is a guy that I realized I don't love. Mutual love seems like the hardest thing for me to find.

Hot Roomie is around again now, but after what just transpired with Dreamy, and with my less-than-optimistic state of mind about guys right now, my expectations are low. I really do feel bad that the dog liked Dreamy so much. Hopefully things will be up again soon! I used to think dating was so fun, even if I had a few too many frogs in a row; I don't want to be a jaded old fart, so I hope that positive attitude about dating will be back again soon.