Damned Either Way

I agreed to meet Dreamy this weekend despite not wanting to. He has been in a much better mood lately, and it allowed me to see some of the sides of him again that I originally admired. He had been in such a Negative Nancy funk these past few months and had been spewing a lot of negativity before this turnaround. We had a nice time at dinner but when he tried to get physical, I just couldn't pretend. We ended up having an argument, but I was too weak to say what I really wanted. I just couldn't say the words "Break Up" or even dance around them.

The inadequate communication was partly my fault for being bad at expressing my feelings. Part of it was our fault, because we never talk about our feelings for each other, with each other. I ended up going silent for a lot of the argument and not telling him what was wrong. Part of me thinks he got the hint that I don't want to be with him anymore, and part of me thinks I totally confused him - that he doesn't know what just happened. Earlier in the night, I had told him I wanted to meet up with some friends later (not specifying to him if he was invited or not), and he ended up leaving my place after our fight, telling me I could "get to it now." I followed him to the door, and we parted with a weak hug; but the way he left, I couldn't tell if he was pissed off and trying to hide it or if he was confused. I expected to feel relieved for getting him to leave, but instead I felt really sad. I felt like I had disappointed someone who has been a great friend to me over the past year. I felt like I didn't give him the treatment and respect he deserves. At the same time, I was too scared to reject him and tell him he isn't what I am looking for. I didn't want to make him feel like he isn't good enough or like he has wasted his time.

I'm not sure what is going to happen next. I have been pretty passive throughout the relationship, and to be honest, what I realistically think I am going to do is wait for him to reach out first. I could see this going several ways: 1) It could be a little longer than usual before he gets back in touch, because he isn't sure what happened. 2) He could call midweek to sort this out, and I'll be either too chicken to answer right away or I'll answer, act like all is well now, and prolong this breakup even further... I just don't know. I really do want to respect him, but I don't want to go through what will be the very painful motions of hashing out this split.

It's funny how after you take certain actions, even if you attempted to visualize the consequences, new situations come up that you didn't prepare for. The ones that really hit me today are the downsides of being single. For a few weeks, I had dreamed about being single again and all the guys that are out there waiting. But now, my thoughts are that I don't want to go through online dating again, of being excited over some assholes who disappoint you later; through the motions of getting dolled up only to figure out your date doesn't look like you thought he would; through the realization that the dating pool that is left kind of sucks; through not always having a guy to go out with on date night... I know the end result is worth it, if you really find love. It's a disappointment that a decent-looking, "together" kind of guy, a guy who took so much initiative throughout the dating process and who actually committed to me, is a guy that I realized I don't love. Mutual love seems like the hardest thing for me to find.

Hot Roomie is around again now, but after what just transpired with Dreamy, and with my less-than-optimistic state of mind about guys right now, my expectations are low. I really do feel bad that the dog liked Dreamy so much. Hopefully things will be up again soon! I used to think dating was so fun, even if I had a few too many frogs in a row; I don't want to be a jaded old fart, so I hope that positive attitude about dating will be back again soon.