It feels like it's been forever. After a nice month-long break from school over the holidays, I am bewildered that I've been as slammed with schoolwork as I have. This is my last semester of grad school, and it was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to be coasting! Unfortunately, I picked all the wrong classes for that, and the MBA-vacation mindset is out the window for now.
I have been trying a bunch of new exercise classes lately, and it has been such an amazing change to walk into a new spa-like studio each day and have a different experience instead of going to the same ol' gym all the time. I've been loving Flywheel and other stat-based cycling classes lately; I tried kickboxing for the first time today (and loved it); I quickly developed an addiction for hot power yoga over the past several weeks; and I've even been doing hip hop and dance fitness classes. So much fun!
Oh yeah, and boys? Well, a few weeks back, I jokingly told Cam that I was going to "prom" soon and was trying to decide who I should let take me, and he so kindly offered to be my date. I had been putting it off for a while, because I wanted to tell him about it without directly asking him out. It was a prom theme party a couple of friends put together. Afterwards, several of them told me they thought he was really sweet. Cam seems a little more shy to me now than I had initially judged, and I felt bad when I left his side to join in girl-talk conversations at the party. He was fine watching the football game that was on, though, and made conversation with some of the guys, but I still am uncomfortable feeling like part of a "couple" when I bring a guy along to meet friends. I've been doing my own thing for so long that it feels odd not flying solo to events and to have to think about someone aside from myself.
I think Cam and I have been good lately. It's the busy season at work for him, so he's been at the office until late at night every weeknight and has been pulling full days on the weekends too. The last couple of times I've seen him since the prom party, it has been really low key nights at one of our apartments.
I understand that he's legitimately busy right now, and I honestly don't have much free time lately either, but I don't want to keep putting up with movie nights in. I don't need anything wild, but I'm used to being taken on real dates by guys. Even if he's tired from the long days, from my view, he has the bandwidth to put a little more effort in. The problem is we don't talk enough or really even know each other well enough for me to feel comfortable implying that he needs to step it up. I've never been good at communicating my expectations and standards in relationships.
So, I thought things were good with us until I had a deeper conversation than I normally have with a couple of girl friends, and it occurred to me that Cam and I never have come close to talking on that kind of level. So then I started reevaluating everything and started feeling like my needs aren't being met. I've had some emotional meltdowns lately related to stressful school things, and feeling like Cam (or any guy) is not there for me I think just added to that.
I really like Cam and think there are good things between us, but I think part of me is lazy and feels like it's so much effort to go back out into the dating pool that I don't want to cast him aside just yet - especially now that I've already put a couple of months into this. Furthermore, dating app guys are so flaky these days. If I'm brutally honest here? Pre-Cam, it was getting really tough to get a respectable, quality date off those apps (I shut mine off a couple weeks ago). And texting, ugh. I'm not a fan.
I think my main guy problem here boils down to this: How do I better communicate my needs to someone who isn't making an effort to spend enough quality time with me for me to actually talk to him? His workaholic spree is over at the end of the month, but I don't know if I should wait around that long to see if he's going to step it up. Put in such a situation, how do you show loyalty and understanding while still standing up for yourself? Deep down, I think I believe that if a guy cares, he will make time and fight to make things work...and there, I think, is my answer.