Dreamy and I went without seeing each other for longer than usual. At first, and for a while, I barely noticed - grad school has been busy with lots of homework and social events. However, I started to feel weird after a while, and I was able to put a finger on it pretty quickly: I'd been without any human touch since the last time I had seen him. I hadn't even hugged a single person, and it didn't feel right.
Prior to this realization, I had been doing some disaster planning in my head. My grad school class is fairly small, and most of the guys in it are married or are committed to very serious girlfriends. This made it difficult to figure out any "back up" targets, should anything go wrong with Dreamy; however, I did identify one. In spirit of not having my eggs all in one basket, I have this school crush to keep me entertained during the time I'm away from Dreamy. While I'm sure Dreamy wouldn't like this idea if he knew about it, I think it's a healthy practice for me, so that I can continue not to overthink things with Dreamy.
I was reunited with Dreamy this weekend. As soon as I saw him, it felt like we had never been apart. He had candles lit in every room when I first entered his apartment, which was adorable. (He tried to talk it up later that he likes candlelight as his lighting preference, as if he didn't do it for me - but I still think he did!) We had a couple of drinks there then walked to a nice restaurant nearby to have dinner on the patio.
He often mentions his best friends who are married and how he's less able to pin them down to have guy time these days. He describes situations where his friends' wives act in a controlling manner and often contribute to preventing their husbands from hanging out with friends. I always express my disagreement with the way the women act, hinting to my beliefs that a guy should still have his freedom and not be controlled in a relationship.
Dreamy treats me so well - he's so generous, attentive, and kind to me. I think I've done a good job of communicating to him that I'm not like his friends' wives and girlfriends, and I think he knows that fact himself. Dreamy continues to do everything to demonstrate that he's very interested in me, but his comments about his friends make me wonder about his real thoughts on marriage and if these women are tainting it for him. I haven't been upfront enough to ask about his direct beliefs about such things, which is very usual for me. He's an incredible guy, so I acknowledge that I'm lucky to be the girl taking advantage of his non-married status. I can see that he values spending a lot of time with the girl he likes, yet still, he's the only one of his good friends who is single. I suppose I'm answering my own question, but I think it will just take him a little more time to see that serious commitment doesn't mean ending his autonomy.
He cooked us an amazing breakfast the next morning, and it's quite a relief to see that he values great food just as much as I do! The home-cooked meals we've had so far have been incredible. Despite the issues I wonder about, everything is great with us. A bunch of my classmates are planning a day trip to an upcoming racing event (the kind that starts with an N and has a cult following of people that get made fun of often, haha), so I'm thinking of asking him if he'd like to come along, just to do something different. I'm a little scared of inviting him, though, so we'll see - but I'm sure it would be a highly entertaining day!
My BF has repeatedly expressed the same concerns about his married friends. Same stuff---they're not allowed to drink anymore, they can rarely go out with their guy friends, etc, etc. I did flat out ask BF if he's open to marriage, and told him that I definitely want to re-marry and thought it was only fair to ensure I wasn't barking up the wrong tree. He said he's open to it, but doesn't want to rush anything, which is fine since I don't either!
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I've tried to show him that not every relationship is like that. I encourage him to spend time with his friends. Hell, I've given him the big green light to spend an evening of our upcoming vacation online and on the phone with his friends to do their annual fantasy football draft since he'd miss it otherwise. ;-)
Well, it's a relief that there are other committed guys out there who haven't given up on marriage, despite what happens with their friends' relationships! That's awesome you give BF a lot of freedom too. :)
DeleteI wonder what it is about relationships and/or marriage that turn seemingly sane women into control freaks, and make normally masculine men into sniveling idiots. I would never want to be in a relationship where the guy needed my permission to hang out with his friends, unless we had prior plans. Nor would I balk at socializing separately. That's just life!
ReplyDeleteTotally agreed! Sometimes I'm just in awe over how these guys have turned into weak pushovers now that they're married. I'm especially with you in that I wouldn't want my future husband to become like that!
DeleteI wonder how and why some couples are together, especially if they have controlling partners, who don't let them live their lives independently outside of the relationships. It's good that you and Dreamy have a common understanding though.
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering about the "stage" when you have "the conversation". It seems such a formality. I've never had to do that before, as the guy has always said at the first date or beginning stages, "so we're boyfriend and girlfriend now" or something along those lines.
I hate going through stages with no human contact. Whilst I love being independent and even like a bit of "hermit time", I also miss hugs, when things are busy...