Sunday, July 26, 2015

Changing my mind

My opinions have changed about online dating. I used to be a big fan; now, part of me feels like I have already dated everyone who lives here, and part of me thinks that I have been scarred from being "fooled" by Dreamy (because I met him online). I am back on Tinder and OkCupid now, and I just downloaded Hinge. I used to get so excited browsing all of my "options," but now, I am not feeling anyone I see.

I believe part of it is I am branching out more than I have in the past few years. Lately I have been meeting more people out in real life. I have felt quite optimistic about some of the guys I have met and gotten to know: Ryan, of course, and a couple others this weekend. Even if these guys may not necessarily be 100% all about me (yet! - haha), I am happy that I have good feelings on my end; it shows that by seeing them interact with people aside from me, relatively quickly I get a much better picture of the type of people they are. When I go on dates with guys from dating sites/apps, I only see what the guy chooses to show me. Interacting in person, in lots of different settings, also helped me vet Romeo much more quickly than one-on-one dates would have.

Lately, I want to learn about a guy's personality before I categorize him as attractive - and a few pictures online doesn't do that for me.

Yet another problem is that now that guys feel like they have more options (from all the apps and dating sites), they don't initiate conversations as much anymore. They expect girls to do more of the work (i.e., first messages), but I don't want to do the work!

I went on two OkCupid dates after I got back home from SF. Of course, I was comparing both guys to Ryan and the amazing date we had just had. I was pleasant with the guys, but I didn't feel like sharing myself or trying to establish a real connection. To be honest, I wasn't very curious about either of them and didn't do a great job of asking them questions. I just feel like I can't fake it anymore, and it's the first time in a while that I have had first dates where the guy didn't follow up afterward. Neither of the OkCupid guys did - they left things at, "Well, let me know if you want to hang out again." (I am the girl, and they are the guy - so I will not be doing that, anyway!)

Recently though, I am making peace with the idea of taking a little more initiative if I meet someone particularly special or spot someone really interesting online. This weekend, I went on a river trip with a group of about fifteen girls...and exactly three guys. In this case, I am thinking about trying to connect with the two cute guys in the group, deliberately and of my own accord, rather than doing nothing, since there were so many other girls there. I am still pondering exactly how I'm going to do this.

Despite the excitement of the cute boys at the river, what it boils down to is: one, almost no one compares to Ryan lately, and two, I want to move to SF, now.

I think the most mentally healthy thing for me to do is to put Ryan out of my mind until I'm back in SF. I don't want to obsess about someone long distance unless they are equally dedicated to me. I'm not asking or expecting Ryan to yearn for me while I'm living in the city he just moved away from - I truthfully think he wants to be fully present in SF. I am hoping for some good times once I'm back (in two weeks!) and then to put him out of my mind until, or unless, I am living there too.


  1. There's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and being assertive, as long as you're reasonable in your actions and expectations.

    I can see Ryan's position... or anyone in this modern world of dating apps. Trying to date long distance is a lot of work and sometimes it's easier to pop onto Tinder, Happn, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel.... the list is endless. But if you end up in SF for a longer period, it's nice to know there's someone there you have chemistry with.

    1. Definitely. Much to my delight, the latest gossip I've heard is that he's been having poor luck dating there so far, even with all these dating technologies. Apparently SF girls are "bitchy"...haha!