First Taste of Older Men

Well, I've had my first taste of older men. I agreed to dinner with a 60 year old gentleman. He wined me, dined me, and bought me a Tiffany's necklace that same evening. I think I'm onto something...


Just kidding!

Really though, I went to a charity event this past weekend with a few girlfriends, and the audience was much more mature compared to the bars where I usually party. I've only been on one date with a 30 year old, and no one older than that, but at the event, I met a really great guy in his mid-thirties. Now I really do think I may be onto something. He knows to how to take initiative, makes me feel really good when I talk to him, and is very successful in his career. We have a tentative date this week!

More Like 100% Enemy...

I don't know about y'all, but I draw an unmistakably defined line between my personal and my work life. I don't talk about work on my lunch break, I don't take my work home with me, and most of all, I don't work for free. Guys like to message me about my job and ask me the types of questions I would normally be paid to answer, so on my OkC profile I have a joking remark about it.

This guy thought it would be funny to ignore my disclaimer and ask for free shit anyway. I looked at his pictures and I would never date him, so I was in one of those moods where I felt like talking back. My response that you see is kind of joking and kind of serious.

What I didn't show is his prissy defensive whiny remarks back. Basically he flipped on me, said he can't believe I told him how much my charges are (which I made up because I am salaried), that I wasn't classy, and that I didn't get that he was joking. But honestly, when he asks for free stuff, what am I supposed to say back? "Oh yes, I work way more than 40 hours a week, and of course on top of that, I'll work for you for free during my personal time!!!"

We could all sit here and brainstorm comebacks, but he's not worth the time. Hey dumb guy, way to go for demeaning a girl because she wants to use OkCupid to go on dates. Way to show that he's whiny, overly defensive, not confident, and not clever enough to have a witty response without starting an argument. Because I wasn't necessarily starting a fight...

Back on the market

I just stumbled on The Rules Revisited blog and, I must say, it's quite an absorbing read. I'm rethinking all these moments I've had with the better guys I've dated, and I'm seeing where I messed up. I'm wondering how I've even gotten so far with some of them, when I'm so far off many of these rules. I'm definitely an independent thinker, and won't bear "The Rules" as my personal dating Bible, but I could seriously stand to benefit from them. I initiate texts too much and initiate dates too much, and guys say yes - but it's more of a "Why not?" attitude than them genuinely feeling for me.

I've already been following the rules this week and haven't initiated a word to Blue. Now I notice that we're definitely talking less. I can feel him drifting away, but it's okay. Clinging to a guy who may never love me is just going to be messier later. I'm calling this one: Pretty sure, from how I'm feeling about things, that I've already seen him for the last time.

I can spot five zillion trillion things I did wrong with Peter, but that's okay too. I was telling a friend the other day that, I think underneath the show Peter puts on, he's as cold as a stone. And I don't want to end up with someone who doesn't have a heart.

So I went big and logged back into my dating profiles last night - put up new pictures and everything. It's been a whole three and a half months since I've been on the dating sites, which now I can definitely see was one of my mistakes. I'll miss what I had with Blue at the beginning of our story, but I'm excited for new stories and new boys men.

All I want is time

Someone's been especially non-communicative with me lately - can you guess who? - and I was already pissed at him, so these things plus a certain few events have led me to cross him (Peter, if you didn't guess by now) off my list.

This is scary, because this leaves me with only one guy to focus on now. Ladies, let me tell you, it really is nice to have a couple of regular guys because then you obsess less over each one. I felt really chill, really good about things with Blue, but now that I have more brainpower to dedicate to thinking about him, bad things are popping up. Part of this was being disappointed by Peter recently, but even so, all week I've been an off-and-on tear factory over Blue.

Most weekends these past couple months I've been more focused on orchestrating outings and getting Peter to show up, and so I wasn't paying as much attention to Blue. Now that all my focus is on Blue, I keep getting upset that plans don't come together with him as easily as I want. It sucks that a lot of this is my fault. It's almost been four months for us now, so I feel like weekend time together should start to be a bit more of a given with him. I know it seems like all of a sudden I'm demanding extra time from him too.

I keep my crazy hidden pretty well (except from my roommate), but my overanalyzing is starting to make it public. At the beginning of the weekend I went kind of crazy on Blue. All over a text conversation, I was just trying to tell him how his actions were making me feel, but it came out in an accusatory way, so he got kind of defensive about it. And I was deeply disappointed. I'm looking for a guy who will acknowledge that I'm feeling bad - he'll tell me he's sorry and that he just wants me to be better again. But Blue just tried to defend and explain his actions and didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was upset.

I was a mess the rest of the night, cried myself to sleep over it, cried all the way to work the next day and home from work. I knew my weekend would go terrible and I'd take it out on my friends if I didn't resolve the issue with him. I tried to stop the waterworks and called him during my drive. I told him I was sorry about the night before and that I hoped I didn't make him mad. I could barely get any words out because I was trying so hard not to cry. We only talked for a couple minutes, but I got a semi-satisfactory answer from him. It was enough for me to feel back to normal and not the off-balance crazy teared up lady I'd been all week.

That evening I was having a night out with a mutual friend of Peter's. At this point, Peter had been basically MIA from my life for long enough that I didn't ever expect to hear from him. But then I get a phone call, and it's him. The bar was really loud, so I had to hang up on him without even hearing what he wanted. He could have been drunk, but usually drunkenness doesn't stop him from being MIA. I recently told other mutual friends that he's been a dumbass, and they think I'm cool (and "hot" according to one), so maybe they told him he's being a dumbass for not being better to me? And now my value has increased in his eyes? Who knows. I just know I'm done making the first move. Apparently that's what he's into though - girls who don't care about him.

Annnnyway...back to the more important guy. Unfortunately yet again today, Blue had another fuckup - the same type of issue that's been bothering me. I didn't get upset, but it makes me question things again. Sometimes you wonder how these amazing-seeming people can be single, but then you spend more time with them and quirks like these surface. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow but we'll see. I'm just sick of unreliable, disappointing dudes. Sometimes I feel like I could love him, but then something happens to make me doubt him. And then it repairs again, then breaks again. I don't want this cycle to keep continuing...

True Blue vs. Mister Mysterious

It's been a while, mostly because I'm still stuck between two guys; however, I'm happy to report that the picture is clearer with who I'm leaning towards and who's better for me.

Blue is stable, tall, and gorgeous with beautiful blue eyes, a great body, and dresses well. We've been seeing each other for a few months now, almost every week. He's gone out with my friends and me, and he just got along really well - was very fun and sociable. We've gone on fantastic dates - amazing restaurants, a rooftop bar, and even a double date. He's one of the first guys I don't feel awkward with before going to sleep, talking softly. His dating profile made it seem like he didn't want to get too serious with anyone, but I'm seeing him open up - as if he's not opposed to it. He lets me know he's thinking about me.

For a while, though, I wasn't sure about Blue, because Peter came back into the picture. He's a guy I went on a couple dates with many months in the past, but he made such an impression that I developed a sizable obsession with him. The thing is, I don't feel secure with him at all now. He's also extremely good looking, in perfect shape, medium height, and incredibly smart/professional. But more and more, I'm realizing he's emotionally unavailable. While Blue will send me drunken texts saying he wishes he was with me, etc., - Peter often seems to not give a care in the world about me most of the time when he's not with me. Peter comes out to parties and bars with my friends and me almost every weekend, but even though we kiss and dance when we're together, we haven't even been on a one-on-one date since we met again. He's chatty talking with my friends and new people but can often be very quiet around me.

Peter really pissed me off this weekend and messed up my plans to meet up with Blue one night. Part of me is upset with myself that I let Peter get in the way of a really good thing I have with Blue, but dealing with Peter this weekend has given me more clarity about how I really feel. I'd had a preference for Peter over Blue, but I really missed seeing Blue while I was with Peter. Blue makes me feel loved, secure, worth his time. Peter makes me feel doubtful and incessantly guessing about what he's thinking - he's affectionate when he's drunk but distant otherwise. I'm only being intimate with Blue, but that's mostly because Peter seems to have no interest in going home with anyone (totally don't understand this!).

I gave Peter a ride home after a night out, and it had been a long night and we were both sober by then. I was pissed at him and kind of just stopped talking waiting for him to get out of the car. He kept talking, though, as if he were trying to buy time, and I wasn't going to make a move to kiss him (because normally it doesn't happen with us when he's sober). What I don't understand, though, is that he seemed concerned. He asked, "Is it okay if I see you again?" - as if he thought I might not want to. I noncommittally said yes, but I knew I would see him again because I can't resist him (which I thought he could tell by now). He kissed me, and I was surprised and even more confused.

As I spell this all out, it seems clear to me - and I'm sure everyone reading - who the better guy is here. Nothing is official with Blue, but hopefully I can talk more with Peter about his distant behavior and figure him out better. It's fun to have two guys for now, but I'm putting my money on Blue as this situation continues to play out.

Asian Fetish Boy

People like to say, "Don't feel weird about what I'm about to say, but-" and then they say something that is difficult to look past. This kind of statement is often returned with the false promise that things are all good, that there's nothing to feel weird about, etc. If you really like a guy, then sometimes you really can forget about whatever silly thing he's just told you. If deep down, you don't really like the dude, then a situation like this will let you know for sure.

And such is the case with Asian Fetish Boy.

Now, I'm not Asian by any stretch, but I found out fairly soon that I was talking to a guy with an Asian fetish - and that things wouldn't ever work out with us. He talked about all different Asian cultures nonstop and the different languages he had started learning, trips he took, books he read. His social cues were a little off, because he couldn't tell that I had to knowledge on any of these topics and had nothing to contribute to the conversation. He seemed like a nice guy, though, and with some hesitation, I agreed to go to an Asian spa with him, per his request (the specific origin of the spa will remain a secret to protect my identity, of course).

It's definitely weird for a not-super-manly guy to request to go to a spa. I told him it wouldn't be weird, even though it was definitely odd and it was only a second date. And it changed things with us for good...

So the deal was, we'd each go to our respective locker rooms and we'd each see a lot of naked old people of our respective gender. I'd get in some tea-scented hot tubs, hang out a bit in the sauna, and take a shower in the ladies' locker room, then meet him in the communal area (clothed in a flimsy robe thingy) to sit in different hot saunas.

The ladies' room was heavenly. The hot tubs really were like sitting in a fragrant cup of hot tea. They smelled amazing and I wanted to stay all day. The nice thing about being an adult is that now I don't care about being naked in front of people, whether it's in a locker room or in the bedroom (haha), so it was nice to just walk around baring it all without any cares.

Anyway, when our proposed time limit was up, I was sad to put on the robe and go out to the common room. Not many people were there, so when we go into the first sauna room, no one else was there. And I don't even need to give you three guesses to let you figure out what Asian Fetish Boy does...

He starts to try to make out with my face.

The bad news is, we're less than 30 minutes into our date, and I already know it will never work out between us. He was a horrible, terrible, nasty and disgusting kisser. My face got all slobbered on. I really didn't know what to do, because we had at least five more sauna rooms to try, and you betcha that he was going to try to suck face in every single room. It was very awkward, and whatever rapport we'd built on the first date was totally erased and my interest in him had gone down to less than zero. We're talking negative numbers.

Basically I dealt with the situation as best I could. I pulled away as quick as I could from the kiss, kept telling him this room was too hot/I was ready to go to the next room, and I'd try to find the rooms that had other people in it so he couldn't kiss me. Of course, when we'd go into a populated sauna, he'd be ready to leave again in like 60 seconds. I tried to keep myself as quiet and boring in the conversation as I could so that he'd lose interest. He tried to kiss me a couple more times, but I kept my trap shut as tightly as possible and barely let him touch me.

The really weird part about this sauna thing was this unspoken pressure to hook up in some way when you're in a room alone together, and the awkwardness that ensues when you discover you really don't like the person you're stuck in that room with - you're just not interested in any way.

This disaster date happened a few months ago and I still shudder thinking about it. When we left, he asked if he'd see me again. I curtly and noncommittally gave him an "mmhmm" and drove off AFAP (as fast as possible). Never spoke to that dude again.

I hope he can admit to himself one day that he really just needs to date an Asian already, and that he's delusional to think otherwise.



In other news, been seeing a good bit of Peter lately but only in groups, going out on weekends. He made me very happy the other night. His friends were going to the same bar that I was already planning to go to one night recently, so he decided to show up there with them. When we finally found each other he was drunk and hilarious, and there was immediately lots of kissing. As I thought would happen, I've been neglecting Blue ever since I reconnected with Peter. I haven't seen him one time since, so tonight will be the first night I've seen Blue in a while. He's going to be cooking me dinner. Nice, right? It's really difficult for me to focus on two guys I really like, especially because I have a preference for Peter, but tonight will be good. Seeing him in person again will really help me figure things out, although I won't be putting any pressure on myself to make any decisions about either guy.

We shall see...

Crazier night

When you're dating several people but realize there is one you really like, dating the others starts to feel overwhelming and burdensome.

So, what I did was I got rid of all of them but Blue. I was feeling a lot happier just focusing on one guy...

And then this weekend happened.

Going back to my "crazy night" in April, you may recall I mentioned Peter, this guy I had liked a ridiculous amount and for way too long. He was that guy for me, the one who leaves your life who you never get out of your head completely. Unfortunately back when we were in contact (and even on dates), there was a lot of talking and no action. Well... I had another Peter spotting this week. Some friends and I were out one night dancing it up, and it didn't take me long to notice Peter in the room. I managed to avoid staring at him for a good bit of the night. Lately I travel in a group of dance-loving people, so we basically closed down the place. The bar was emptying out, and there were about five people left on the dance floor. Off to the side, I notice Peter - randomly talking to my guy friends.

Talk about a major OMG moment.

So I continued dancing, looking in the opposite direction. My girl friend there asked me if I wanted to come sit in the corner with her and another friend, so I followed her and confided about how much I had liked this guy... And how he was standing there, talking to our friends. Peter's friends had totally disappeared, and my group was the only one left in the room. So I collected all the balls I had, and with the help of some EtOH, I walk right up to him and say, "I think I know you... Peter?"

It's been quite a long time - a couple of years - so I was surprised to hear him say my first and last name (I'm sure I never told him the latter) and say he'd thought about me. He was visibly intoxicated, but he was able to say some of the right things to make it seem like this was a good meeting.

Normally I'm way too nice to guys I really like, but again liquid courage was guiding my way. When he told me he wanted another chance, I put on a show of being skeptical (he was the one that disappeared on me). So, fast forward, I leave the bar and he takes my hand, holding it the entire walk back to my friends' house. A couple hours later, it's just the two of us, and we're almost home. He asks if it's okay if he can take me out again, and I put on my skeptical show again (even though I'm hella excited inside) but end up telling him he can if he really wants to. Finally he asks to kiss me, and we have our first kiss. Took long enough - literally years - but thankfully it was great.

He asked what I was doing the next night, so we kind of merged plans so we could go out in another group. I set my expectations low, figuring he would sober up the next day and not say anything to me. He ended up following through, though.

He had a lot less to drink that next night, but he still acted like he wanted to be there. It ended up being a great night, and we had second kisses and other fun things. It's crazy to me... After I stopped hearing from him years back, I kept thinking I wished I had gotten to kiss him once, just to take the memory with me. I never thought we'd speak again, and definitely never thought any of this would happen if we did. I am excited about what else could happen, but I also am not getting any hopes up. I got the little fantasy I wished for, and I know my life can be fine without him.

What I am worried about, is that my future actions related to liking Peter will mess things up with Blue. I hate juggling two guys I really like. It feels pretty bad. But Peter is making me forget the good things I have with Blue. I'd say Blue is a little cuter, and definitely taller, but Peter is on my mind much more. I want to keep both of them around, in case something goes wrong with one of them, but I feel bad about doing that.

To be continued...